Interesting story. No villains or negative thoughts. Everyone seemed friendly and well mannered. I do wonder what they were doing on the planet, if only certain people could see the closet of just those General selected. Is it like Narnia where time is different because they are on different planets with different day and night cycles?
I have a lot of questions and none were answered. However having questions means I am curious about the story. Though you keep description to bare minimum, I still want to know more.
Good job.
This gave me nostalgia feels and I am not in my golden years. I really enjoyed this poem it rhymed well and had good subject. I especially loved the map description as I was very proud to be my dad’s navigator and pull out the large ABC map on my lap that was too big and try to understand it while he drove, some of my best memories.
Even though I may be considered a ‘whippersnapper’ and not in my golden years (yet) I can understand the subject mater well. I remember reading a poem similar that took words we now use in completely different ways and showed how much their definition had changed, ‘web was something to dust away not to spend on the entire day’.
That poem made me always think about how words and culture change with them. I hope you enjoy your sun bathing on ships, some day I may take my children on road trips and reminisce.
I liked this poem it was dark and sad. I was reading it like going through a story and it did keep me interested until the end. I like the log and forest metaphors that you bring up a few times through out the poem. It helps bring the theme together quite nicely in the poem.
I have written poems in the past and some of the hardest parts is rhyming and not making it feel forced or un-needed. Sometime rhyming in poems lighten the mood of a poem which themes are supposed to be dark, depressing or sad. I did find some of the rhymes a little disconnected and forced. However from experience I know how difficult it is once you find certain lines that really work building up around them other rhymes is hard.
Over all I liked the flow and the read of the poem. It does have some points that I had to re-read as I said above because of the rhyming not flowing too well, however over all it was a good poem.
The subject is interesting and I do like playing with pronouns and not knowing exactly if the narrator was male or female. It allows the audience to connect more. I do hope if the poem is about a real situation that the narrator eventually got out of the bad relationship and is happy with where they are now. It takes a very strong person to admit their faults and be able to understand them.
I did enjoy this story a lot it set up some intrigue and made me want to read more. I liked the first few lines identified the time period pretty easily with a remark about checking a phone for the time, a very modern phenomenon. You also immediately place the main character in her 20’s as she is going to a lecture.
I do question how the late students who interrupt the lecture conveniently find seats if the MC ‘had’ to sit in the front. I also am trying to find a clue as to why a tan line on a ring finger immediately points to infidelity instead of carelessly loosing the ring down the drain after washing hands or in the shower that morning. As If the character had a sense of the problem from clues the audience is not privy to.
The juxtaposition of talking about the lecture and the lecturers voice in the background to a description of the couple coming over to the MC’s house to see her parents is a little jaunting. I’m sure the couple going to the MC’s house for drinks is important to the story, however it seems out of place in the lecture hall description.
The entrance of the Steph was interesting as well. Where everyone else was barely described, Steph is described quite well. Again this might have to do with further evidence in future parts of the story however, I am curious why say her husband was not described in such a way?
Mystery is one of my favorite genres and I know that descriptions are important to clue audience/reader into important details. So I understand if certain parts of a character or scene needs to be emphasized more then others. That being said I enjoyed this snippet and it definitely made me want to read more and see where the plot leads.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bellrevue
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 8:41am on Dec 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
