This poem was very sweet. You did my favorite thing and that is using limited words and expressing infinite ideas. You used fresh imagery, my favorite is "Your crystal life shine clear." I also appreciate that you are expressing love and apparently parental love without using much cliche or overused language.
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The narrator is really in pain. If this was a cathartic piece I hope it worked. I recommend coming back through the poem and tightening up the language. I recommend that you use fewer words that have a more powerful impact. This poem has definate potential. I also had some trouble with the first metaphor "like one of Pavlov's dogs" is a reference to a leaping heart and I don't recall Pavlov's dogs leaping. I think you were making a comment on your heart responding automatically, but that wasn't clear.
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I am in the midst of the empty nest and find it quite satisfying. We do have dogs (3), but the are much more fun to have around than children. (Plus you can put them in a cage when they are annoying.) One thing I think you missed is that, unlike your children", you can put a pet to "sleep." This was a humorous piece although I sensed some truth to it all.
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Oh the frustration! Your words made it obvious. I believe there are pen gnomes out there lurking whose job it is to steal and return pens in a random fashion just for the thrill of watching us mortals go pure stark raving crazy searching for one. This was a very nice piece of poetic prose.
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I enjoyed this chapter and will try to read more of the story. I enjoyed the dialogue. I also liked that you stepped into each character's role. THis really added depth to the piece. I haven't read more, but I hope that you are able to maintain an objectivity to the characters as you go. Favoring one characters point of view will scew your story.
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I am sorry to say that this story did not ring true for me. There were some problems with the dialogue. I am pretty sure (I work with teenagers) that teen boys don't really talk like this. Also, first Chester is trash talking about a girl and then he's mad at his friend for doing the same: "...she's not that kind of girl." I also cannot hear a teen boy saying "as if she's searching for your soul," or "we spend the evening together." I also have to question the sophisication level of a 15 year old girl. I'm not convinced that she would have the forethought to hand out the mortuary phone number instead of her own.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe her family owns the mortuary and she was interested in Chester and there is a misunderstanding about the number.
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This story has potential. Some of it seems forced perhaps because it is the result of a challenge. I would like to see the characters fleshed out a little more. The mothera nd son need more aof a "spiritual awakening" to bond them together enough to actually believe that they leave together. I would also like to see an exploration of the motivation to stay beyone "I love hime." Those are often the words used by domestic violece victims, but it's not what they reallyl mean, many times they are confusing "love" with a sense (troubled as it may be) of security or a fear of the unkown. Keep writing.
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I love Spring. There is a completeness to its arrival. I suppose it makes Winter worth the trouble. Without Winter's stark nothing how can we know the joy of renewal. You expressed that sentiment brilliantly. Your imagery is fresh like spring sunlight. You are a gifted poet and I am now a fan. Thank you!
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This poem was wonderful. Simple, Zen-like in its use of language. The imagery brought the pictures clearly to my heart. Butterflies lighting on flower, flower, flower, and dancing, playing, being. I can feel the breeze and smell the sweet summer air. A imple pem that expresses a complex emotion. Thank you.
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I struggled with this story. I found it predicable which I don't think the author intended. I also struggled with the lack of depth of the characters especially the narrator. I also had a difficult time with the scene of the bully removing the bandages, it just didn't ring true. I think this story could be worked into something really terrific it had elements of Flannery O'Connor to it. I encourage the author to take another look.{image# 732758}
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