Wow. This is perhaps the saddest thing I've read lately. Why is it that kids and Christmas have such potential for sadness, like "The Little Match Girl"? Anyway, the meter and rhyming and very consistent throughout, and I think it suits the subject well. I did notice some typos that on a second read you'll probably catch anyway, but if you want me to list them out, just let me know :)
Very nice :) I think this is a universal concept to which everyone can relate. I especially like when you compare the surface of the mask to the surface of an occluded diamond. What great imagery! The only thing I saw in this poem that might bear changing is the lack of punctuation in the piece. Unless you are trying for a mish-mash of emotions feel to it, you might consider adding some commas and periods to indicate rests in between thoughts.
Cute :) I like the rhythm of this poem and the fact that it's for your youngest child is just great! In the last verse, I noticed you broke form from the other two verses, and I don't know if this was intentional or not, but the second line of it could really stand to be two separate lines. Also, the first line of the verse leaves "clean" uncoupled with another rhyming word on another line, so you might consider rewording it. Overall I love it, though :)
This poem made me cry. It's so bittersweet, and the images are just so vivid. I feel like I was walking right beside you :). I am a big poetry fan, and this is as good or better than some of my favorite poets. What more can I say? This poem was just wonderful and it says so much. Thank you for releasing it out into the world!
Nice :) I love poems with a simple concept, such as a noisy neighbor, that goes beyond the concept itself and turns it into something so lyrical. I enjoyed the incorporation of the old song in with it, and I think everyone can relate to this situation, especially when trying to sleep or get some writing done. I really can't think of a thing I would change.
Interesting. Was this an exercise or part of a bigger story? I would love to see it as a longer story. Where did Thar go? So many questions :) Your writing is pretty solid, and you have a firm grasp of language and what sounds good. The grammar side of it needs a bit of work, perhaps. I saw a few places where punctuation wasn't what I thought it should be but, as with anything, if it's there or not there for a reason, leave it like it is. The line "still gilded the rose-colored clouds gold" kind of pulled me out of the story for a second, since if something is gilded, it is gold, so it's a bit repetitive, but overall great job! I hope to see this in an expanded format sometime in the future :)
I like the voice of this poem. The idea it conveys and the language is just beautiful in some places. The name of the poem is very Dickinson-esque :) The rhyming is what gets me about this poem. It seems very forced, and it may be an even better poem if it was unrhymed.
Good meter and rhyming overall, though I did notice a near-miss rhyme in "still" and "appear" in the second verse. It might help the poem flow more smoothly to reword it slightly. I like the poem, though, and always love to see poets doing what they do best :)
I really enjoyed reading this story. The narrative is solid and well-paced, and the dialogue is very believable. You did a good job of writing 5-year-old dialogue, which is hard to do sometimes. The concept itself is also intriguing and, while I'm a big fan of happy endings, I did enjoy the denouement. There were only a couple of things I noticed in the story. First, there are a few spots where it looks like some words got dropped, but another read through and edit should fix that. Second, there are quite a few British terms and spellings in the story, even though it is set in the states. I don't know if this is intentional or not, but if it is, it might help to explain why the family talks "English English." Overall, great story!
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