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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aubreylippert
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3 Public Reviews Given
5 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Bree Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I absolutely loved this. It was so well written. The first sentence is a little cliche, but your introduction is so well written that it's easy to overlook and it still manages to grab the reader's attention. The fondness for your title, which I liked right away because it was short and to the point, doubled after reading the story. When you know what follows, the title becomes almost sentimental.

Your story resonates. When your readers think about what you've written long after actually reading it, then you know you're on the right path as a writer.

Very beautifully done! Now that I've read this, I'm going to have to look up other projects you've published on this website. ^_^;;

Good job and as always, keep writing!
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Review by Bree Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Overall, I like your idea and I think you're heading in a neat direction with it. There are just a /few/ things you need to watch out for. First of all, in your first paragraph, you switch between past and present tense. I only noticed it once, but it was enough to immediately ruin any flow you might have been trying to develop.

And speaking of the flow, that's one thing you need to work on. Your dialogue and paragraphs are broken up in odd places, which makes it seem disorganized and a little difficult to read. For example, here's a sample of your writing:

'“No!” The young woman screamed, her voice drenched in the horror that her eyes betrayed, as she stared at her oppressor.
The man standing before her was tall and, even in the unnatural darkness, she could make out the delicate features.

“You should feel honored...” Came the voice from that figure, as he slowly made his way towards her. “your blood will be my meal.”'

You could make it a lot smoother by making just a few subtle changes. Here's how I would written it.

'"NO!"

The young woman screamed, her voice drenched in horror as she stared up at her oppressor. The man standing before her was tall and even in the unnatural darkness, she could make out his delicate features.

"You should feel honored," came the voice from the man as he slowly made his way to her. "Your blood will be my meal."

--

Do you see how a few minor changes can dramatically change the way something is read? The changes I made were very small. Most of the changes revolved around the spacing.

Read whatever you type out loud after you've typed it. You can catch a lot more when you read out loud to yourself. Get in character when you read, try to convey whatever your characters are feeling or expressing, and you'll notice a lot that you didn't before. I know that method helps me make sure everything flows together and the transitions from paragraph to paragraph are smoother after I've done that.

You sound like you've got some neat ideas! And I hope my advice helped you some. =] Have a great day and keep writing! *Heart*
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