This is really moving! What a beautifully crafted story. I'd love to know if this a story that has been passed down in your family. If it's a work of fiction, it's so well written, I wouldn't have been able to tell. The details are rich enough, but not over detailed so you could really hear this as a narrative being told to orally to others. Really a work of art! Great job!
This is a great solid story! I can see you really taking it somewhere much bigger than it is! I liked the characters and I liked how you made a point to keep Taylor really grounded. I think it was an interesting way to throw Taylor and Jake together as well. Good job!
I also noticed that you're a big fan of details. Details are great, but I think your story would benefit more from a bigger picture view than isolating tiny details. As in Taylor's music career. There are apparent mistakes that, with a good proofreading and some research, could easily be fixed. For instance, if she was on the Billboard charts, they usually break down length of stay into weeks. Your sentence is about how she was on for a month and half after the first month. Easy slip up, especially when you're trying to get the words down! Another thing is that, as a rock act, she would not be the most appropriate act for Carnegie Hall. MSG, definitely. Being from New York, I'm familiar with a lot of the places you'd see a concert. :) You could state that she had sold out stadiums across the country and not focus so much on individual venues. Does that make sense?
Another thing I noticed was that everyone dies. There are other ways to create drama and tension other than killing everyone off and I think if you maybe focused on another avenue for the guardians, you'd be able to create compassionate characters without all the adults dying off. Maybe her aunt has a prolonged illness? Maybe Jake, although he's got loving foster parents, doesn't really get along all that well with them. They allow him to live in his house, but as a real tenant instead of a family member.
I think you've got a really great structure here and you could spend some time getting to know your characters and pull out something fabulous from them! Don't stop writing and have fun doing it! Good luck!
As a comic reader and a comic family, I applaud you for showing your nerdy side and being proud of it! And I agree, the villains always have more fun. Everyone likes the good guys. lol
I like that this plays on the theme of the every day hero. It reminds me a lot of how Kick Ass started out. I think you could have a good story behind this, although I know it was just a short essay to start with. You could definitely expand on this and give yourself a hero of your own! Find all those things that are meaningful about helping out others and make it a little bigger.
You've got solid writing in this as well! Great job!
This is an interesting little story you've got here! I'm a nychtophobe myself, so I can really relate to fear you're trying to get across here! At first, I wasn't sure if she was afraid of ghosts, being alone or being hurt in the dark, but it did come through in the end. I'd love to see this made a little longer, honestly! I want to know why the grandmother features prominently. You could develop her as a character and involve the hospital visits into a more in depth exploration of both characters.
The sentence about how she endured sleep gave me the impression that she had been afraid of nightmares or sleeping. Maybe endured could be substituted with another word or the sentence could be rearranged altogether. When she falls in exasperation, I also could think that might have a better word. Exhaustion, maybe, from struggling to get moving? Exasperated makes me think she's more annoyed than frightened, unless you want to build up that fear from aggravation, but I'll tell you from experience that the fear comes on like a light switch! :)
One other thing that would be more effective is to rearrange the sentences describing her hand wounds. I see where you were going with it, but introducing the voices maybe after or before her hurting herself would be more effective and tie the wound sentences together.
If you make any updates, please contact me! I can see this as a legitimate novella!! :) Keep writing and don't give up, nightmares or darkness or anything!
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