This was a good read but there were a few, very few, glaring errors. I will enumerate them as follows:
1) First paragraph accustom should be accustomed
2) Third paragraph splendid should read splendidly
3) Fifth paragraph Four days should read For days
4) be back, be back is redundant especially as you used it in the sentence regarding death coming back for you
5) her voice lulled my nigh should read nights
Other than these little errors as I said previously good read, keep up the good work and I hope this review helped. Don't feel like I am picking on you I am as tough or tougher on myself and I know my own writing needs a lot of work.
I was really geting into this story and you left me hanging. First time I've read a vampire story where the protaganist uses magic,white or black,against a vampire.
Couldn't find anything wrong with it. I originally was gonna give you 4.5 stars,but after rereading it I cahanged it to five.You are now the member of an exclusive club,as I rarely give perfect scores. I'll look for the finish.
A 4th 5 star rating,just because it's an Ode To Cofee, of which I partake of wholeheartedly eac and every day.
Adam I don't understand how you caught the deeling of caffeiene fanatic, but keep up the good work!
That's all I have to say.
Okay, I know this is tough to take, but this is the
third story this week that I have rated a five star.I also have to say that this the absolutely first one that brought me to tears. When I got to the young girls selfless act I had to pause til I could read through my tears again.As a former homeless person who pulled himself up by his bootstraps, that was the most touching part of the story.
The only mistake I saw was when you used the word make instaed of made in the doctors statement to the parents, thus rating a 5 star although I would have given it a ten if we rated that high.
This must be someones lucky week. Second 5 Star rating I've given this week. I really got into it right from the start and really enjoyed your descriptions and use of metaphors.
I also found this to be a good moral tale and think that it should be read by all ages!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
arg62
I really could spot no problems with this so I think this may be the first time I gave out a perfect 5 for a story. Took me 3 or 4 paragraphs to realize main character was a girl who had an imaginary friend named Jack, but I think that's what made me read it to the end. Good luck in contest.
I really liked the web page and would like to say thank you to sapphire_black for leading me here.
I would definately like to join and help in any way I can.
I was looking for a group to join as I spend more time reviewing others works in an effort to help and if I can do some good while doing so, so much the better.
With all that said keep up the GOOD WORK!
there were only two misspellings quite should be quiet( In the sentence where Phil thinks he had never heard his brothers be so quiet you spelled quite) and Saraha desert should be Sahara desert, other than I thought that this was an imaginative fun story about how things that can go wrong can be righted in the end.
Keep up the good work.
I thought this article was well written.
Looking at it from a non-belevers point of view you do make some good points,but personally,as someone who has quite literally died and came back,I am still skeptical regarding this subject.
When I died there was no bright light,tunnel,etc.,nor were there any flames of hell, that I have read and heard others speak about.
I do believe that when loved ones die they do continue looking out for you, as my mom is still looking over my shoulder even though she passed away 3 1/2 years ago.
Keep up the good work.
Very well written.I could picture the conflict as the madness descended on your character. The only change I would make is the line blood cloaked....Should read as blood soaked....
I will be adding you to my list of fav authors to enable me to keep an eye out for more items like this from you.
The only question I have is are you going to expand on this character? I would really like to know what triggered his descent into madness and if he has other such experiences.
Overall I thought that this well written, considering the fact that you were trying to state two points of view, as seen from the perspective of each protaginist.This isn't a bad idea, but if I may ask whose story were you trying to tell?
1)If it was Nates then maybe this could have been done as a single piece and then you could have done another piece based on Jacks point of view.
2)You never state what mothers reaction was to Jcck knocking Nate through kitchen window.
3)What was the purpose of the music always playing in Jacks head? Was it his way of dealing with emotions that he was afraid to show or are you using this as a metaphore for his emotions?
4) Also noticed that neither character ever tried to explain his point of veiw to each other and both seemed to always internalize their feelings.
Like I said in my opening statement I thought it was well written for something that uses such a difficult technique. The only problems being that the questions I asked above are never really answered in the story itself and in my opinion the story would have worked much better if some of these questions were answered by one or both of the characters.
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