Wow, this was both a little strange and kind of gross. I can't believe he just put it in his pocket! That wouldn't have been my first thought of what to do with a fetus (after the panic passed, of course).
There weren't any spelling errors that I found reading over it, and there wasn't any dialogue, so I can't comment on that. The only reason I didn't give you a perfect 5 was because of some strange punctuation that may or may not be a stylistic choice. It seems to happen more frequently in the beginning of the piece, then happens less and less as you hit your stride, but there's a lot of places where it seems like a sentence should stop, but doesn't. Then there's other places where sentences stop instead of bleeding smoothly into the next sentence. I would recommend reading this aloud to yourself and editing the punctuation where the reading becomes awkward.
There was one particular sentence that didn't seem to fit your style, either - "This was just a room, with human or without." - everything after the comma seems a little strange. It's not wrong, so changing it is entirely optional, of course, but I would have said something along the lines of "with or without an occupant."
I liked this story. It was brief, to the point, and had a lot of content for the length. I also like the fact that you set it in Akihabara, a very loud, colorful district of a loud, colorful city, and still managed to keep the story focused on one rather mundane man and his not-so-mundane event. Very well done!
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I would like to join! I just joined WDC yesterday, so I don't have much to give other than reviews and hellos, but I'm willing to give it a go. This looks like a fun group to get involved with and I'm hoping having a group of people around will also help keep me active on the site (I have a bad habit of wandering off when life gets busy...).
"Oh, how I mystified by..." - Should be "was" between "I" and "mystified".
"I was reading book..." - Should be "a" between "reading" and "book".
"...was swaying on the meadow has caught my attention." - This sentence just doesn't make sense. "Was swaying on the meadow..." makes it sound like the meadow had suddenly decided to start pitching like a ship and she's wavering along with it. Perhaps she was swaying on a breeze that blew through the meadow?
"She seems afraid of me." - Should be "seemed" here. You started off your story in past tense (things happened, not happening), so you should try to stay in the passive voice. You do this a lot through your paper. Be sure to read through it and change things like "can't" to "couldn't".
This is a fascinating story, so I hope it's for a creative writing assignment. Also, if you have a higher word limit, I would expand a little bit more. This story has room for more description. Personally, I would read over this very carefully and make sure all your tenses are the same, look for missing words and punctuation, and add a little bit more description. If I were a teacher, I'd give this a C, maybe a low B, simply because of the errors that make it look like you didn't put much effort into it, despite the story being a good concept.
"...cloud as she bound from tree to tree." - I believe it would be "bounded", considering the rest of your writing so far is in the past tense.
' “Oh, and why’s that, huh. ' - Should replace the period with a question mark here.
"...cooked.” flitter ground..." - Flitter's name needs to be capitalized here.
I do really like this beginning of a story, despite it's short length. I adore the names of your characters. They fit and they flow well; they're not terrible mouthfuls of names like a lot of fantasy seems to be guilty of. I also like the fact that you were brave enough to make up your own race to pluck a main character from, instead of sticking with the typical fantasy mainstays of elves and dwarfs and whatnot (which I'm guilty of).
Only a few gripes: While your dialogue for Flitter is very natural (I can tell you've worked with her more as a character), the same can't be said for Sandrell. He seems to switch back and forth a lot between a very normal speech patter for a younger individual (“I fall out of one tree and I’m marked for life.”) to something that seems altogether too formal for his briefly introduced character ("Of course, I would stop you. What if a human sees you?...") I think you should stick more with the contractions in his speech, because it gives off the impression that he's younger. Speaking without contractions usually gives off the feeling of an air of superiority, which doesn't really fit this situation.
The other thing is the length. It was a nice quick read, which was good. It means the reader isn't slogging through what you've written, but it seems like you rushed to the end to get the idea out on paper, which is also fine. Just, to me, it seems like you could spend more time detailing the world that Flitter is abandoning. Right now, the reader doesn't know very much about it other than it's like a faerie kingdom and humans can't see it. The reader has no reason to be attached to it and, therefore, feel Flitters apprehension at leaving.
All in all, a good read! Looking forward to the rest!
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