Simple story, it has potential for a short. I feel like you were trying to create a dark satire of sorts but failed. I'm gonna assume this is a rough draft.
Grammar-
second sentence, leaving not living.
Second paragraph, consider rewriting this. It feels broken and takes to long to get to the pint. possible example; "Carl Weber, cardiologist. Though through unexpected circumstances..."
Third paragraph, stay consistent with the perspective. "I feel down on his knees"? It should be he from how the rest is written. Then end your quote with quotations. Not so much spaces for the whys.
Fourth paragraph, 7th sentence there is no need for the comma. Then last sentence it would be "Sitting" not "Seating".
Context and situation-
For a short story you really want to draw in your reader in the first paragraph. You are setting this up as a longer novel length story, but speed through the set up. With a short story you want to jump right into the action. I would recommend starting with a scene of his sun but don't give anything away.
Consider rewording "Humanity was turned off". I feel it lacks the punch to make your character lifeless.
Finally I would recommend that you take some time to reword your work. I think a lot of that was simply because you were in the heat of it and needed to get it down. That's fine but it helps to walk away and come back to it. Read it again. Keep writing.
First off, great job sticking with a format. It flows beautifully from beginning to end. I personally have never heard of this type of poem, so of course I googled it. I enjoyed the humor of a crime scene written in the format of the Villanelle. This is what poetry should be, an art of thought and almost lyrical content of a specific situation.
Secondly, grammar. I feel in the sentence "Behind the click and clack a subtle chime." there should be a comma to separate the statement of a subtle chime from the click and clack. Otherwise I feel its apart of the clacking. Then as I noticed in the poem "Do not go Gentle into that good night" the author started each line with a capital letter, even if t was the middle of a sentence. You may have, for reasons I'm not sure of, decided to start some with lowercase letters. The use of that however It threw me off a bit.
This is interesting, I feel a supernatural vibe to it. The only thing I'd like to see in this is more details but that's just what I enjoy more. Stuff like how she would of reacted and seen more of base feelings. What you have I like though.
Hey stargazer. I thought I would drop by and review something. I found that your use of describing your character's feelings and anxiety worked in pulling me in. I also like how your paragraphs are set up for each individual scene. I think this has improved greatly since the last time I read it.
Ok so I'm new to this and just thought I would try and make a random review. At first I'll be honest I almost was about to reload for another one. I guess I will note for you the intro/hook was decent enough to grab my attention. There was very little wrong with your so called dissertation. What I liked; besides the adult potty humor that personally I think if this didn't make someone laugh (especially that most males have experienced this) you are probably up tight. What makes humor really work, written wise, is to hear the person's personality through their words. Plus great detail on the thought process being stuck in the car and also in the release of your "pressure". The only thing I could find that was remotely off was that I have never had a problem using the facilities at a gas station and being forced to buy something. Perhaps a restaurant, but truly the only price paid here was probably physically on your bladder. I'm sure that repeated times holding it could cause some health issues.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/anti-hero
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 6:39pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
