'second person point of veiw. its weird but pretty cool' The intro needs sorting out as it is the first impression to the reader; it might put people off.
Take this out of the brackets and use a ; there are still suds on the floor. Same here 'It's a woman; you could tell by the sound of the heels.'
'Its Melissa' needs to be 'it's' as in 'it is'. 'strugles' = Struggles . 'Your still' needs to be 'you're'.
'heals'= heels
'you cant do anything' =can't
'you house taking'= your
'she whispers in your ear, "good night."' I think this needs to be a new sentence.
Obviously a lot of typos, the story idea is worth exploring but it's the character's house, right? So how has she managed to get those other men there before him/us?
Also the constant 'you do this/that' structure starts to grate a little maybe you could experiment with bizaare character viewpoints. Overall a creditable effort but I think it needs a little bit of work to make it that bit more different or surreal.
Only my opinion so take or leave what you feel comfortable with. If you need reviews try the 'Item Jumps' dropdown number 4 and 7. Keep writing!
'The cursor took it to it shrinking' This line seems a little clumsy and stilted. This line to seems at odds with the rest of the poem's rhythm 'Stand front cursor, yours to show'.
The subject is an interesting way to show writer's block and the style works well. The first stanza is really good and it brings you in. Sticking to a rhyme scheme may have left you with too few options to go with later, so how about a free verse version?
Overall, an enjoyable poem!
This is only my opinion so take or leave what you feel comfortable with.
I think you should rate this poem because a 'Not Rated' is considered the same as the highest rating and as such, will not be listed on the public pages. The same goes with the 'intro'. I can't see any reason why it can't be 'ASR' and 'E' respectively.
To start with, I think you should lose the spaces inbetween the lines as it just doesn't suit poetry, and subliminaly (sp?) it makes the read a little disjointed. I think it does anyway.
'Where is it that she was going?' There is a little bit of a mixture of tenses here and needs to be switched around. 'or an old flame, perchance?' should be capitalised in keeping with the rest of the stanzas.
This is a simple poem that is quite effective. I would've liked more description and less of the questions, but it suits the style of the poem you have chosen.
Obviously a very short poem. But it has some interesting thoughts and images, but without further writing it doesn't have a chance to develop, so it reads, at first, like a series of unconnected sentences. I think this is a great idea and even though you may not feel comfortable with writing poetry please have a try, you never know you may enjoy it.
I notice some of your port isn't rated (it has a dash) if you try and find a suitable rating then they will be displayed on public pages and you will get more views. A dash basically signifies/equals the highest rating possible.
The first line is very good; it pulled me in. I think it tailed off towards the end because you moved away from the imagery of summer.
I think maybe all the lines should be capitalised and then some of the lines won't seem to run-on; they'll be forceful in their own right.
'Moonlite nights and mosquito bites' The 'lite' I thought you used it because it puns with the 'bites' but you use it later. I would prefer the traditional spelling of 'light'.
Overall this is a creditable poem but the promise of the 1st line and 'mosquito...' needs to be fully realised later.
This is only my opinion so take or leave what you feel comfortable with.
Write on!
Best Wishes
I think this should be capitalised: 'but over ends she can not win.'
I like this because the rhyme and rhythm schemes do not sound forced. This is quite a traditional poem with the mythical subject, and the way it is described. I read gladly to the end.
I think this is a very different and original take on a well-worn subject. The mundanity of the description hides well the outcome. I think using 'thread' twice distracts a little, in a short specific poem like this. Is there any other way of describing her fraying jeans?
It might be useful to add a link to 'quad quatrains', as I don't know much about it!
A brilliantly entertaining how-to article and I gladly read to the end even though I don't really need this type of advice just yet. LOL!
This could do with some writingML tags because of the interactive nature of the piece, and you could maybe liven up the step-by-step points with ML stars?
Just a thought!
Best Wishes
Anouska Foster
A fast entertaining account of a day in your life. The third person narrative (i think that's what it's called) and the obvious first person bracketed comments were at first a little hard to understand; why had you written it like that?
But it is a fizzy account of your trials. I can't see any mistakes, but this is more of a diary type piece. So apart from glaring errors it wouldn't detract much from the piece.
Write on!
Best Wishes
Anouska Foster
'The eve’ recalls a thousand things' There is a stray apostrophe on the eve.
I think I'd prefer it if the lines were capitalised to make it look stronger.
I like this a lot and describes what happens to writers when they see things in a different way, even if only briefly.
Well done!
Best Wishes
Anouska Foster
Very nice!! You have spelt review wrong, and maybe you could experiment with paint and draw a logo for yourself. To brighten it up a bit.
Best Wishes
Anouska Foster
'and golden hued boys from the past.' Do you need the 'and'?
like battalions of fallen soldiers. Do you need the 'like'?
Most of the lines are strong enough to take capital letters, i think. I don't like the last two lines they don't fit with the rest of the poem, for some reason.
I do like the imagery you use and this could be a much longer poem!
Keep writing!
Best wishes
Anouska Foster
'Cause all I really want is to control my own life.'
Bit clumsy what about:
cause all i really want to do is control my life.
An interesting poem; more of a monologue as you aren't trying to embellish those feelings with images. But i think many people can relate to this, even myself. Well done.
Best wishes
Anouska Foster
'As a butterflies wing' A bit clumsy and i had to read it twice. What about 'Of a butterfly's wing' so there is an image of it actually in the stomach.
I think 'eachother' has a space inbetween.
A solid love poem. The jigsaw bit was a different metaphor.
Best wishes
A.N. Foster
'I found I've lost my way.' The tenses don't match so you change it to 'i find i've lost my way'
or 'i found i'd lost my way' I prefer this one but i could be wrong. :-0
'The sight I see was horrendous,' I think it should be 'saw' to match with the tenses. Or 'the sight i'd seen was horrendous'.
'T'was a journey that sends me creeps.' Do you mean 'gives me creeps' that is more widely used.
'When there I was and do not know.'Doesn't make a lot of sense because mainly it is hard to read.
Interesting it took me a couple of goes and i like the journey imagery. Not very flowing though.
Keep writing!
Best wishes
A.N. Foster
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 6:10am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
