I enjoyed this very thought out and informative piece. Having been the oldest in a home of two children I can clearly see the parallels between this story and my own life.
One thought I did have, was this. Since we are not able to step into each role, ie.. be the firstborn, change it be the middle child, try again be the only child, etc.. My mind wonders how each individual person's own unique personality would change, using JUST one person, trying it each time from a different birth order.. Just a thought.
I enjoyed your piece.. well written and very informative.
I absolutely loved this story. The fact that it was based on a true story just makes it heartbreaking. Very rarely do I read something that brings tears to my eyes, but this did.
What an amazing, and powerful story. You just never know the inside of people unless we can see past the outside.
What an amazing journey you have taken me on, filled with pain, suffering and you have my complete admiration for your courage. My concern for you in creased as I read on. I was unable to stop reading. Your profound opening paragraph took hold of me not allowing me to stop reading.
This is an amazing piece of work, from an amazing writer. I look forward to reading many more great works from you.
Hi, and nice to meet you.
I am new to the group and I loved this.
Lego's. amazing and frustrating all at the same time. I feel you..
I loved the REO, now that's imagination at its finest... Love it.
That conversation was halarious... OMG... LOL
Love that Lego golf video... watched it twice.. kills me.. LOL
Hello,
I love extreme weather also so when I saw the title I HAD to read it.
This is great poem. Taking each extreme weather event and joining them all together in this poem is a wonderful idea.
My favorite stanza is
Last but not least is the volcano that blows.
A giant river of lava, down the mountain it glows.
I love this because it would have been so easy to just use the word GOES or FLOWS but you went a step further and used GLOWS. Great word choice. You can see the lava flowing from this stanza. Nicely done.
A suggestion or two:
The line (It arrives with a loud, loud hum.) perhaps something like,
Then the tsunami that's sure to come.
Arrives with a loud, annoying hum.
Not saying it SHOULD be this just throwing an idea out there to help the rhythm and the stumble you feel when you read the line with loud and loud twice.
Last thought, the use of the word IT'S... IT's the contraction is for It is and It has you may want to use ITS with no apostrophe instead.
This is an amazing poem, I really enjoyed it, your descriptions were amazing and word choices nicely thought out.
What an amazing, hear wrenching story. Beautifully thought out and written. As I have two sons in the military, one who is getting ready to do his fourth tour in Afganistan soon, I can relate. Although the topic of the story is an emotional issue all its own, your words and descriptions took this over the top. Again wonderful, I loved it.
This is a great story and your Uncle is a riot. What a great idea to bring the doctor down to the patient's level to see how it feels.
My favorite part is where you notice the hospital bracelet that must have been priceless. Your Uncle thought of everything. LOL
One thing I noticed in the story was although there were glimpses of understanding in the doctor, it seemed, from the conversations you wrote, he never truly came around to a new way of thinking.
Sometimes walking in another's shoes, turns on a light bulb, and they become better for it. From the conversations toward the end I did not feel he truly sympathized with his patients humiliation, and anonymity that happens we step through the hospital doors and our clothes come off. We are treated as an illness not a person. The surgery in 201, the knee in 205, etc... we lose our humanness, and doctors as well as other medical staff need to remember we are people, not a case.
Wonderful story I really enjoyed it. Glad your Uncle did well.
Hello,
I read your query letter and I must say, very impressive. It gives enough information for me to understand what the series is about. Adding in the information that you did your research, and have included in the series historical maps, etc.. made me feel confident that you have taken the steps to ensure historical accuracy. My favorite line was where you wrote: ( leaves the reader wondering where fact ends, and fiction begins.) well written and tells me this will read like the pages of history with the excitement of fiction.
The only thing I saw, that my mind caused me to go back and re-read, was Second paragraph line three you say this is the first in a series and then again in paragraph three line one you say the same thing again only expanding some on the idea.
I merely bring it up in case it was not your intent to repeat it again that way.
Very well written and I actually learned a lot from this on how to write a well written query letter.
Hello.
This is an amazing poem. Filled with such desperation and hopelessness.
The rhythm is wonderful.. it easily paints a picture in the readers mind of this lost soul in anguish.
This beautifully written
Keep writing you have a talent for poetry and a wonderful way with words.
Nicely done, and I will not say for a first attempt as it is obivious that you have a real talent for poetry. I could feel the sadness in this piece and the first line is beautiful. I loved it.
Had a few thoughts, toss them in the trash if they do not work for you...
Last stanza I loved.. I read it the way you wrote it and also tried it with "I AM" instead of "I'm" maybe try that too and see what you think. and the last line I dropped "AND I'M" just to see how it would sound.. so it went like this:
Now she's gone and I am falling,
But it's not her name that I am calling.
Through these trenches I am crawling,
Only finding myself more appalling.
one last thing.. again just a thought
Second stanza third line kinda stumbled for me when I read it..
OK so that's it...Love your poem and hope you continue on as I am eager to read more from you.
What a wonderful story you made from the prompt of the contest. I found myself hoping at the end he would come back and was not disappointed. I should think you may do well in the contest this piece of work. Nicely done. The first paragraph drew me and was very profound.
The fact that you made him in between instead of using death and ghost was wonderful. Garth being able to see, here and manipulate from his side, yet his parents unable to do the same for him made for a very interesting story line.
I have a few things I noticed, just ideas for you to ponder. Since you entered this into a contest, if you should decide to make any changes be sure to consult the rules first as some contest you are not permitted to edit your entry either after submitting or after a certain date so just check first if you decide to change anything.
A few thoughts on this, they are my own personal thoughts and please take from it what you wish and trash the rest.
Contractions. Trying to stay away from contractions whenever possible helps to create more drama in a sentence.
(his mother as she went room from room) here you may want "room TO room" or "from room to room"
( His hand had been hurt for almost two weeks, and had healed up too.) this sentence stumble a bit.
(and even when he moved stuff around right) the word STUFF.. perhaps..something like. "when he moved ITEMS , etc.." just a thought
(Time passed, as it often did) only reason I add this sentence as time ALWAYS passes and saying OFTEN implies that it may not. unless that is your intent.
The final line "just a little to the left of reality" was amazing. I so loved it.
Wonderful story. I enjoyed reading it.
Good Luck in the contest.
The first stanza using monet type paintings to help the reader then gives the perfect picture of what is seen outside the old glass panes is wonderful.
Moving to the second stanza where at first you think the one on the window seat is looking out is now also not part of the room so in effect now looking in. Very deep. I love that.
The third stanza sums up the impressions of the first two. Confirming that they are somewhere trapped in the middle of the two. A veil is a wonderful way to describe this sense of neither here nor there but living in between the two. Aching limbo, brings to mind a loneliness that is felt by such a position.
The final stanza, conveys an almost trapped feeling. unable to change the situation, and by ending with the word "Still" invokes the feeling that it has either been a long time or perhaps could continue to be a long time waiting to be released. No matter the reason why the situation is happening as we can all feel this way sometimes. Disconnected from the world and no matter where we look we are looking out not being a part of it.
These are my impressions when I read your amazing poem. It may be in now way what you actually meant when creating this. I love poetry that not only makes me think, but feel as well and your poem as accomplished both.
A very moving, thought provoking piece of work. I loved it.
Another well written piece. i found the story line very interesting, and kept me wanting to find out what trouble they were going to get into after grabbing the knife before they left the apartment.
Couple of suggestions: You might want to break it up into paragraphs to make it easier to read. I had to keep finding my place.
Since you used the singular bottle you might want to change this: (TOPS of the jug) to just TOP.
(Indian style on the ground) using the word GROUND.. implies sitting outside, reading on you find they are actually inside their apartment. Personally I would use FLOOR or RUG etc.. anything to imply inside.
As the attack starts you use the word BROTHER, then you continue on and use the word FRIEND. Kind of confused me as to if they are related or not. Might want to decide or if the use of BROTHER is just a term for friend, it is not really clear the way it is written.
OK so that along with a few fragmented sentences, this piece just needs a bit of editing.
I do not know if this was written for a flash fiction or a word limit. If not perhaps a bit more description of the apartment, the street and alley to help the reader feel they are in the story.
Hello,
What a wonderful story. Coming full circle back to Bob hearing the same sounds Frank had at the beginning makes the story's ending wonderful.
Good descriptive sentences made it easy for me to visualize Frank moving through his house hunting for the sound of the music.
Only a few things I noticed, these are only my impression, feel free to ignore them, just my own thoughts.
The use of Bob and Franks first and last name over and over feels a little clumsy when I read it. Perhaps using their full name at first and then just a first name after that ...
In this line ...( he could feel himself being to fade after his night) I think you want BEGINNING not BEING here..just a typo
I really liked the part where he went to the cemetery once a week to apologise for what happened. Nice touch...
This is an interesting idea. How would it feel to wake up and not remember anything.
To start from that moment and move forward. Very thought provoking indeed.
I think this short story is a piece waiting to be expanded. Completely up to you, just letting you know the concept is interesting and I would certainly read more.
The only thing the story is lacking is detail. I am not sure if your style for this piece was intentional it just reads "the facts sir, nothing but the facts" I cannot picture much when I read this just the idea of what it would be like to have this happen to me is what is sticking after reading it.
Hello,
I loved this.. We have all done this. Pushed the button over and over when the elevator only registers it once. Not sure what contest you entered this into I am assuming a restricted word count or a flash fiction but I hope you do well in it. For a few words, getting your idea across, and telling a story is never an easy task. You did it tho.. well done. Loved it.
Only one thing I saw to help ya.....( watch in dismay as the finally seconds ticked off ) I think you want FINAL not FINALLY.. just a typo..
Again good luck.
Hello,
What an amazing dream you had. The descriptions you used helped me see the men digging, and the woman sitting with him. Nicely done. I enjoyed this short story.
My only suggestion would be check your paragraphs for redundent words and staying in the same tense, either past or present. Example: Line one.. you use the word HAS, then you use the word PRESSED... HAD would be a better word to keep the tense consistent. . Example paragraph 7 the word head is used numerous times. Sometimes just rereading a paragraph and counting any word you see more than twice can help you take care of that. Just a little bit of editing is all.
Hello,
I found this piece very interesting. The use of seeing ones self in the mirror, how the world see's her does not match what she feels she is away from the mirror. This story goes beyond gender and applies to all aspects of life. You feel young or beautiful, only to see in the mirror something completely different. Nicely done.
A few ideas for you to think about. line 3 into line 4. (why the image in the mirror was so painful) the use of the word SO here, is not overly dramatic. perhaps something like extremely or excrucitingly? just a thought
Line 6... (go out to places) is very vague. perhaps a bit more discriptive.
I enjoyed this poem. I especially liked the imagery.
I did not completely understand the line
Rinse, Rinse, Repeat
but I do not profess to be a poet so I am sure it just me.
Stanza four is my favorite of this poem. I liked seeing Time in there as one of your four letter words.
Again very nicely done and good luck in the contest.
Let me say first, all dialog is never easy, and you did very well keeping the story moving forward, all the while keeping it clear who was speaking. Well done. I love the names of the places that he had worked especially Tacos R U.. too funny...
I also enjoyed that Mr. Jeallos was just not catching on.
Having never blogged before I have read some on your page and am intrigued to try this. What a great idea, one month on and one month off. Takes the pressure off as I am starting this in your off month. Thank you again for the chance to share my musings.
Wow... I am still laughing... Love it, Love it...
Having raised four children of my own, I completely relate to that awful tasting toothpaste and the slow poke attitude in the morning.. LOL...
My favorite part is finding her still sitting on the bed, and the cartoon reactions... Too, too, funny,. love it... Been there done that.. LOL
This story not only held my attention all the way though but was actually sorry it was done. The twist of it being Saturday and made the story perfect.
Ok I see this is a draft but I noticed very little in the way of issues. Did notice these for you to ponder.. Just my own thoughts nothing more..
(Weird, but another common dream for me. It's still unnerving to be searching through graves and tombs for some unknown object, especially when I know something or someone is watching my every move waiting for me to mess up.) The thoughts and sentence is perfect till I got to MESS UP... I don't know, what the scene set up for me I did not picture walking in a cemetery and my concern being to mess up.. just a thought.
(Apparently I failed to write myself a note to buy more toothpaste because I find an cabinet with only my daughter's kid toothpaste cuddled up next to our toothbrushes. ) right after I FIND the word AN and part of the rest of the sentence is grammer impaired.. LOLOL love the use of cuddled up next to.. nicely done...
Again... loved it.. only thought... wish it was longer, as with any good story that you greedily wish there were more to read...
This was a very powerful piece of work. It held my attention completely. The thought through the story that he killed this child, only to find out he switched the child was a good surprising twist. Well done on that. Your dialog remained clear. Just a few things I noticed...
( I should just end it all right now,) I might of taken out the word "JUST" to give it more impact.
(In a small town, like Coopersville,) I think here you do not need the comma after "TOWN" just "COOPERSVILLE".
(caterwauling) I might use a different word here Caterwauling gives the impression to the reader that the daughter will be complaining. As you read on and find out she is in pain from the supposed death of her son, that word does not fit.
(a sob escaped from his mouth so he stopped and allowed the tears to fall from his eyes.) here I might take out "SO" and just put a comma after mouth ... better impact that way
( He turned around and was confronted by the hospital) "CONFRONTED" I might change that word or the sentence. It makes you think he is standing right outside but soon you know he has to walk a ways to it. Just a bit confusing there.
I find the overuse of contractions takes away from the impact of the sentence. Any where you can change a contraction ie: wouldn't to would not, will only improve the effect of drama in the line.
(I always knew you were heartless son of a bitch; ) I always knew you were A heartless........
( The entrance to the hospital appeared before he knew that he had walked the distance.) maybe changing the word KNEW to REALIZED or something like that.
("Yes I have heard about it. Funny thing though, I reviewed the nursery security tapes and I noticed that you moved your grandson to another crib. Why would you do that I wondered?.")
This sentence above just came out of nowhere. Why would a nurse check security tapes.. perhaps a little more to this part of the story to make the idea plausable? Just a thought.
("I did what I had to do. I switched my grandson with a dead baby for my daughter.")
Last one i swear.. LOL.... After all the wonderful descriptive writing you did, the ending, although a nice twist and unexpected, it just fell a little short. Perhaps just a little more detail before the bomb drops. To lead up to it.
Again I really enjoyed this story and the twist at the end. You write very well and the story just needs a little editing... Hope to read more of your work..
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