I am so in love with both of your dogs right now. I've always thought that Shih Tzus were absolutely beautiful dogs, but I'd fallen under the misconception that you mention. Since I was never really around one very much, I didn't know that they could be loving and playful. This story alone might make me want a new dog (incidentally, when my husband divorces me for wanting a new animal, can I come live with you and Pippin? )
Your emotional attachment to your pets really comes through very well in your writing. I can feel how much you care for them, and at the same time, I appreciate your humor and brevity. This is just an all around fun story to read, though I was very saddened by your loss of Wicket. I'm so sorry, hon.
Again, free from any technical mistakes. Your care in making sure your work is without overt mistakes really makes it easy to simply lose myself in your plots, details, and characters.
Hi! I'll be reviewing this piece; I hope it proves helpful.
In this sentence, "I was 18 and 18 year olds are supposed to be men and I was a man now and it was time now, right?" you've got a run-on. You need a comma after the first 18 and after "men." Also, you've used to word "now" twice in this sentence. Makes it a bit awkward.
Also in the first paragraph, you need an apostrophe in "grandparents" to show possessive tense.
In the second paragraph, you've used the word "cool" three times. You might want to revise for synonyms.
In the third paragraph, you have another instance of the word "grandparents" that needs an apostrophe (those little things can be tricky sometimes )
In this sentence, "Their weary eyes, hidden deep in their wrinkled, tanned expressions seemed to say, I want something more," you need to either use quotes or italicize "I want something more."
This passage, "I entered into the dark woods, feeling the smell of sticky pine sap and the roaring concert of crickets envelop me. I was part of it now," is just absolutely wonderful. Clean, descriptive, and a joy to read.
This is a very keen and poignant look into your feelings. I felt like I was right there, watching as you let go of childhood and embarked on a new and intimidating life. Good work.
I really enjoyed this. I love the meaning your giving your readers, and the insight into your own soul that you are sharing.
I found no overt grammatical or technical issues. My only suggestion is that you consider trying to find some alteranate ways to highlight the fact that each "side" didn't know what they other was doing. You repeatedly say "unknown to..." While I love the way that sounds, you may have relied on that particular phrase a bit too much.
I think you have a fantastic voice that really shines in this piece. I'm so glad I found it. Thank for sharing!
This is personification at its absolute best. There is SO much here, both on the surface and a deeper level.
I love that you've captured the stuggle we all feel between the lows and highs of emotion in such a unique and enchanting way. But most of all, I love that Hope won in the end. After all, isn't that really all we can ask for?
I'm so glad that you posted this on the reviewing page. It's given me a lot to think about and a nice, contented feeling to enjoy. Thank you for that.
This is a superbly written poem. I'll admit, I'm normally a sucker for rhymed poems, but I did NOT miss a rhyme scheme in this poem at all.
I can claim a few "party" years of my own (though I was cast in the role of DD from the beginning) and you've nailed the ambiance, feeling, and shades of a drunken night really well. I've lived your poem, and I bet plenty of others would say the same. This ability to speak to a universal subject while connecting with your reader is a great talent.
I love your imagery, and I like how I can see your setting forming in my mind.
My only suggestion would be that you consider revising "parties" to "party's." The former is the plural of the word, while the latter is the contraction of "party is."
I've spent a lot of time in your port and you never cease to hit me with more insight into all that you are capable of as a writer.
I love the simple, effortless flow of this poem. Honestly, there is an innate musical quality. The words you've chosen create a mental song upon reading.
I love how, in the first stanza, you give the reader a sense of quiet togetherness and a hint of mystery. I see two people content to be with each other but aware that things must change. Loving and a bit sad.
You've done a wonderful job of providing a bridge between two very different emotions in the second stanza. The first two lines are comforting even in the midst of such painful subject matter.
The third stanza is perfect. Perfect meter, flow, and word choice.
The final stanza made me sigh. I've always hoped that we are reunited with loved ones when our time here is done. I always imagine seeing my dad again and being able to smell that "dad smell" of cigarette smoke and spicy cologne. You've captured that emotion perfectly.
Also, I love the word choice you've employed in the final stanza. It's unique, creative, and emotionally driven.
I really like how you've italicized specific words within the first few paragraphs. This gives the reader the ability to see the irony and frustration in the situation.
"Several times we'd had to pull off the road to allow one of the massive road trains to trundle by. Road trains being a truck towing four or more trailers, they're not something you bicker about when it comes to sharing the road. You get the hell out of their way." This is possibly my favorite part of this whole piece. It's absolutely hilarious. I know exactly how you feel. When I pass a coal truck (and there are a LOT of them in KY) I shudder in abject terror
The sixth paragraph, describing the state of the "tennis court" and "swimming pool" really is a great example of your talent for describing setting and scene flawlessly. I can absolutely SEE the poor state of these "amenities."
The passage, "I suspected it may once have been the main dwelling, but now it gazed forlornly across fields of dry grass at the newer house, which was a larger version of the same sorry architecture," is a perfectly executed example of personification. Nice job!
Again, this sentence, "We trudged morosely from room to room, dragging our luggage behind us as we investigated the place," is a publish-worthy example of "show don't tell." I can see you both, in my mind, heads lowered, shuffling sadly from room to equally shabby room.
Here, "I went back inside, heading for the bathroom and found a dozen or so fat green frogs in the bath tub and on the floor. There were spiders in almost every corner of the house, the water in the bathroom taps was brown, and there were cockroaches in some of the kitchen cupboards. I was not a happy bride." I shivered when I read this portion. You're voice gives such a sense of reality, I'm almost afraid to go into my own bathroom. I half expect to find frogs and spiders
You could not have come up with a better, or more beautiful, final sentence. It sums up both the miserable experience you had, as well as the optimistic spirit you seem to have. I really enjoyed this.
This is as sad as it is beautiful. I hurt for you after reading this. I can't imagine this sort of emotional pain, and I'm sorry you had to live through it. I'm glad that you've found such a healthy outlet for your emotion, and I hope that writing provides you with some solace.
As for the technical aspects, your poem has a lovely sound to it that has a natural lilt and that makes reading it enjoyable even when the subject matter is so difficult to think about. It takes a great amount of skill to write about something so personally painful and make a clean, coherent poem from it. Great job.
Hugs,
Andrea
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it--Winston Churchill
You make some great points in this piece. Really mature and thought-provoking. Why stop with such a short writing when you could really add so many supporting points? There is so much you could do here! Just a few suggestions:
In this passage, "Teenagers are more involved in crime, than there ever was," you might consider changing "that there ever was," to "than ever before." If you opt to do so, you won't need the comma. It just creates a sentence that is much clearer.
Here, "decentsy" you've got a small spelling error; the correct spelling is "decency."
In the sentence, "Death from disease, is killing people nation wide," you need to remove the comma because in reading the sentence, the placement of the comma is not in a place where one would naturally break in speaking the sentence (A great rule of thumb for comma placement; read it aloud, where you naturally pause is a place that needs some sort of punctuation." Also, "nation wide" should be one word; "nationwide."
You don't need quotations around West Nile Disease. This is the correct name for the illness, thus it doesn't require quotes. Quotes would work for an informal or slang term for the proper name.
You've got a clear thesis, and you correctly restate your thesis at the end of you work. It makes this English teacher smile
Please, consider fleshing this out a little. You've got a strong start here, now elaborate a little!
Hugs,
Andrea
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it--Winston Churchill
This is really wonderful! You've really managed to give your reader a clear idea of the struggles of keeping up a home for a military man, while adding a subtle twist of humor. Good job! Just a few suggestions:
Your syllabul count starts our REALLY strong, but becomes a little more awkward as the poem goes on. You might want to review your stanzas and consider other ways to get your point across while still retaining your flow. I know it's hard. I find myself having to do the same thing with every poem I write
First, I have to say that this passage, "With muscles weak and eyes half mast/I stumble down our high stairs much to fast," is probably my favorite. I love how you've taken what most of us would think of as a military term, "half mast" and included it in this poem. It's a bit of a "story within a story" idea. However, in the second line, you need to change "to" to "too".
Great job! Keep it up
Hugs,
Andrea
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it--Winston Churchill
I have to ask...do you have any idea how lucky your parents are? There is nothing more horrible that having to leave an upset child in a scary new place.
This poem has a great flow and works well with the free verse that you've chosen.
I particularly like the next to last stanza. It delivers a very strong image of what you experienced. It also has a please and rhythmic cadence. Great work!
Well, no matter how you go at it, having allergies is NO fun, but you've managed to make a funny poem from the bother of having to deal with them. I guess it's better to laugh than to cry
My only suggestion would be that, in your second stanza, fifth line you could really imporve your flow by adding another short word. For instance, "I think I'll go now." Read it out loud and see if perhaps you like the way it sounds. But, this is only an opinion, and you should write what makes you happy, of course.
Here, "Unfortunately for some this migratory pattern can become habitual, and for serious cases of the virus Renovati Repeatus there are only three known treatments...divorce from the prime mover, bankruptcy and buying a cockatoo," you need a comma after "bankruptcy."
"Though unfazed by three flights of stairs and a baby grand, the prospect of naked fingers within reach of a formidable beak certainly proved too daunting for the otherwise stalwart crew, set to transport our worldly goods to yet another house with potential." This sentence is so great. I love your inflection on the words, "with potential." It's like finger quotes in writing
This is one of the funniest things I've ever read. I really want to meet this bird. The end is just hilarious. The police blockade! Priceless.
I really like how you've used font size to enrich your poem. That's a very unique choice. But it really helps to establish the subject's increasingly frantic need to convince the speaker that she is loved. I think you've captured the feelings and desperation of someone who desperatly wants to be loved and yet must ask even themselves if they truly are. I really enjoy reading your poetry. You have quite an ability to draw your reader into your own imagination. Great job!
This is really adorable. I especially like when you wrote, "our owners are pets that we adore." As a fellow cat owner, I feel this way pretty often; like he's the boss and I'm just along to keep him fed and to cuddle him when he feels like it.
I enjoy the viewpoint of the cats in this poem. It makes it so much fun to read. You've totally captured the nature of a cat and communicated it well.
My only suggestion, and feel free to pay no attention since this is your poem, is that you might want to reconsider the last two lines. If you went with, "Life is fun wherever you're at/especially when you're a Siamese cat." You retain the rhyme scheme and create a smoother flow. Only a thought
I like this a lot. I know that sounds like a simple statement, but it actually carries a lot of feeling with it. I enjoy the different take on love poetry; I love that you see and communicate that love and relationships aren't always perfect.
I absolutely adore the fact that you are giving people a different idea of the female character in romantic poetry. Here we do not have a woman who is either rhapsodizing about or grieving for a man. Not that there isn't a place for such poems, because I love them. I just really enjoy a departure from the expected and this unique vision you've shared. Good job!
This is such a wonderfully unique idea. I love how you were able to separate your inate human knowledge from the character you were writing about so that you could create a convincingly "awed" character. That had to be tough! You're narrative voice is much like listening to someone talk, and I think this tends to lead to the best writing, and definetely the most enjoyable reading.
You've got quite a talent for imagery. I could just see those four young "humans" frolicking around in the sand, trying to learn how to walk. I am simply amazed at your ability to paint such realistic and believable "learning" experiences for you characters.
Choosing to write this in a letter format was a very wise choice. It allows you to give the reader information that they need to fully understand the story without just TELLING them. So smart!
A few suggestions
In this sentence, "He was so mad because we didn’t take the practice serious," you might want to change "serious" to "seriously."
Here, "I was fixated at the blue sky and fluffy clouds that illuminated through the beams of the warm sun, but I forced myself to look around at the planet below," I believe you might want to think about changing "at" to "on." Just a thought.
In the passage, "The vibrations that our bodies felt through the vehicle felt different on the black, paved road than it did on the brown sand," you might want to rethink the repeated use of the word felt.
Finally, in this, "He said that we would be encountering humans in there, so he told us to act properly as we were taught," you might want to replace "were" with "had been."
This is just a great piece of writing. I can't say enough about your descriptions of Earth and all that Pam experienced.
This is too funny! I particularly love the sentence, "Her sweet disposition made up for her innocent naivety." It says so much in so few words. I understand that this is a joke, so to speak, and is therefore not very long. Honestly, though, I think you could turn this into a really funny short story and your sister and her many confusions and innocent faux pas. Just a thought. You gave me a giggle
This poem is incredibly powerful, especially when one considers that the emotional punch comes in twenty short words. Poetry, I'll be the first to admit, is not my strong suit, but I know when I've read something remarkable.
I love how you've taken a fairly common topic--heartbreak--and turned it in such a unique way. It suggests nearly as much as it says outright. Wonderful!
Hugs,
Andrea
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/alc417
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 5:03pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
)
