You have a very intriguing, suspenseful, and, in my opinion, a successfully written short story. Or should i say introduction, as I am hoping you have continued this story somewhere!
It's very clear, the words you use describe the scene great. You developed an atmosphere, rather then just words on paper.
It flowed with ease, and i had no trouble following the plot.
Punctuation appears accurate, and appropriately used.
Excellent work. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Yes, very good. Very descriptive. I could picture the whole scene and the emotions the characters were feeling. It's a book I would pick up and read. It makes me want to get to know the characters, their thoughts and emotions, and forever ask "WHY?" Good job, keep writing!! One tip - it's something that i've been working on, allow your sentences to flow easier. Instead of using ten short three word sentences, put it together into one.
For example: ( I hope you don't mind )
I ran up the stairs to her room to find the door was closed, with light softly spilling out of the crack. I took a shivery breath and knocked on the door. My stomach felt like snakes were flopping around inside of it. She was probably waiting there, but she didn’t reply, and she didn’t open the door. The snakes flopped around some more but I decided to be brave and open the door.
Hope that helps! Happy writing!
~Deej
Hello Paisley Code :) This story is definitely intriguing. Such a short intro... is there more? I am guessing on the plot, but it ended a bit abruptly. The genre's caught my attention ( I am into supernatural!), but nothing indicates what. Could you put a hook line at the bottom? maybe a bit more detail in the intro to indicate which direction the story will go? What's there is very descriptive, so awesome, I laughed when she was bugging her friend about eating from the trash can.
Cool! I like this. I have recently walked in the mountains of British Columbia, Canada, and while reading this could picture all the flowing, seemingly endless supply of water, and can relate. I know you are saying metaphorical water, as it could represent, well, anything the reader is struggling with in life. "a unified front against our own existence". So many meanings, and decipherable antics. Bravo.
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