Wow that was intense. I was impressed with the way you were able to keep the fact that it was someone elses daughter from the reader until the very end. The one suggestion I would have for you is that the it doesn't seems as though the mother is very worried and has little reaction to what is going on. Maybe you could focus a little more on her reactions to the events. Overall though I thought it was very well done.
Great ending! I never would have expected that. What a way to set that up. Excellent job. I did find a number of spelling/grammar errors that would mke this a much more polished piece if corrected.
effection should be affection
agin should be again
In the same line as agin, the beginning of the sentence is not capitalized and the sentence is missing end punctuation
"chosen to turned" should be "chosen to turn" or "turned" but not both combined
he had lain rather than laid
over and look should be combined to be overlook
he had set the stage not sat the stage
to not have gone there rather than went there
thought and less should be combined to make thoughtless
Overall I enjoyed the story. I thought it was a great idea, but it needs to be fixed up a little for a finished piece. Hope this helps.
Such a typical issue between men and women. I can totally see this happening with my wife and sister-in-law. One thing I would have to take issue with is the IQ scores. Typically these would be in a tight grouping or the same number that would be gotten multiple times. IQ scores tend to be static and do not change much over time. I would have to say that the lottery numbers need to be something in addition to the IQ score in order to be realistic. Hopefully this helps, I work with these tests for my students on a daily basis and for someone who knows how IQ tests work this is a major discrepancy.
An amazing story of a child's perception of the concentration camps. As a teacher I can relate to the indifference that many students exhibit in class and their ignorance of historical events when told from different perspectives. I love the way this story relates the events from a camp view and includes many of the normal activities that would happen while attending camp. There was only one mistake that I was able to find. in the first paragraph you have "from" two times in a row. Keep up the good work.
Nice short story remembering what it was like to have storytime with grandparents. Story telling is an important part of passing on the traditions and memories of the past. I look back of the story telling sessions that I had with my grandpa, and remember many of his tales of childhood experiences and of my mother and her siblings growing up. These are some of the fondest memories I have from my childhood with my grandparents.
Very good description and details. I could see the scene in my mind. I did find that the first sentence of your last paragraph left me a little confused. I am trying to come up with a way to word it that works for me but it still is not perfect. Maybe "With the same piercing abruptness with which the wind appeared, it quieted", but it still lacks something I think. Try playing with it though. Other than that this revision seems very well polished and ready.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ajoliver
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 8:13pm on Dec 28, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
