The story is a bit heart-wrenching and inspiring; however, it seems more like a rough draft than a finished story. If you would like to have it published, it needs some work.
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It is important to check for typos, because there are many.
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It is also important to decide who your audience is going to be.
If you are trying to sell a story, there has to be more showing and less telling.
Here is an example from your text that is telling what the main character is feeling:
"I could quit right there or fight through the pain. I chose to fight through the pain and finished my bachelor's degree."
Here is an example of showing what the character is feeling:
'The first day I returned to class after my surgery I could barely hold my books without the pain in my stomach threatening to double me over. I thought about turning around, but I took a deep breath, sat down at my desk, and opened my book.'
However, if you are looking to have this published as an article in a magazine such as Reader's Digest, you can get away with a some telling, but I would suggest sprinkling a little humor in the article.
It is a good outline for a story; however, it is missing many elements of a final draft.
First thing I noticed is that at times the writing is a little clumsy. One example is in the sentence, "There, we would have enough yard to have a dog." Perhaps it could be rewritten to say 'There, we would have a yard large enough to keep a dog.'
Another writing technique that may help your story is you should do more showing and less telling. An example is in the sentences "Butterball was a skillful hunter. He often brought home, mice, birds, snakes, rabbits, squirrels and other prey one would not expect a dog to hunt." Maybe you could show us a day when you came home and found Butterball on the porch with his kill. Make sure to tell us how you felt when you initially saw it. How did Butterball react when he saw you? What the animal look like? Did Butterball eat it, or was he just holding it in his mouth like a trophy? Make us feel like we are living that moment with you.
Also be thoughtful when you reference 'our Savior' or 'God.' Make sure that such statements are coming from the perspective of the main character. This can be accomplished by saying something like,"Butterball's kindness reminded me of teachings I learned about our Savior' or 'I have always saw pets as God's way of teaching us how to love." However, it may be even more effective if could only allude to this without mentioning either God or the Savior. If you make definitive statements about God or the Savior it can seem indulgent and presumptuous. Instead, give the character's point of view and allow the reader to make up their own mind.
I like the intimacy of the poem, both with the setting and the musings. However, I think the poem could be more impactful if you were able to add a layer of distance from the "I" or "me" you use throughout the poem. For example, the line "I am steeping in the tea that is me," perhaps you could describe the tea you are steeping in by referring other people, images, or elements that reflect who you think you are in that moment.
Also, try to squeeze in as much juicy introspective imagery as possible. An example is in the line "I’m distracted by the ploink, ploink, ploink of the dripping open-mouthed faucet;" If you had this line reflect something that is going on with the speaker, it would have been much more impactful.
I like the idea that everyone should love their bodies no matter what they look like. I think if everyone could achieve this, the world would be a better place. However, we live in a society that sometimes has very superficial expectations, and we are saturated with these images, making it virtually impossible not to internalize it. Your argument would have more weight if you had some psychological studies that support your ideas that people can overcome societies expectations of body image, otherwise it seems like a romanticized, idealistic version of the world you wished we lived in.
The lyrics seemed to bring us through a journey, where the speaker is passionately thinking of someone who they care about, but it brings us to the realization that this person is a past love that got away. However, I would have liked to know something about this person beyond the speakers feeling of him or her. Also I believe that the lyrics could benefit from a more distinct rhyming pattern. For example, first stanza has four lines in a row where the last words ended in 'ing,' whereas the next lines had three rhyming words. Perhaps, choose a stanzas where the last words rhyme in a pattern such as A-B-A-B..., or A-A-B-B...
It was a good story. It kept me engaged, for the most part. However, there were a few grammatical errors that pulled me out of the story, such as in the line "Mayhap it was only a way to determine...." Perhaps, you were trying to say "MAYBE it was THE only way to determine...." I also noticed that you used semicolons when you should have used commas in the sentence "...he had been molding her; as if she were clay on a potter’s wheel; to take over the firm upon his retirement." I like the story, but proofreading will make sure your readers stay interested in your work, and not become distracted by the errors.
It was a good poem. It is good that the images and the sounds of the pot clanging bring back wonderful and sad memories for the speaker. It adds a depth. However, there was not enough description of what evokes these memories. In order for the reader to fully understand why these nostalgic and sad memories are triggered by the pot, there needs to be little nuggets of insight. For example, perhaps you can elude to a scene where her grandparents used to make bedtime tea in that pot and sit together in front of a fire. Also, why was there sadness? Perhaps give hints to a funeral or some other painful event. It was a good start, though expanding it a little to let the reader in some more would go a long way.
It is a good story. The dialogue is very believable and it is what kept me engaged. However, even though this is an autobiographical story there should be more showing and less telling. An example is in the first paragraph where you give the background of you and your father's relationship when you were four. Instead you should drop us in the thick of it, where you are at the craps game. How did it make you feel as a four year old to be in that environment? Perhaps you could find comfort from hugging your father's legs. This could be a good way of showing that you’re frightened instead of telling us. Also, did you know they were gangster types at that age? If not you should not mention it, their dress and their dialogue should reveal that, or you can add that at a later age you came to realize that they were in fact gangsters. Also, there is also no need to tell us that your father was supposed to take you to the park; it is explained later when you go home to your mother. I really liked the story, and with a little polish I think it will be a very good read.
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