This poem reminded me of my teenage days - not just teenage - it's about all the life. Everything you talked about, in the style you used, all is exactly how it comes to the mind, when you are alone, thinking where your life would travel to. The room becomes the "Command Center" to launch every mission that'll make changes in your life.
The style and words were perfect. However you left some first letters Uncapitalized, like, but, we, this... in the first two stanzas and so on.
By the way I love writing in a related genre. You were in Military, weren't you?
Please take some time to read and review my pieces. I don't know how to link them. you'll need to copy the URLs and paste them in your browser.
Ah! I'm gonna take a printout of this sheet and write meanings of all the tough words on it. I couldn't add anything to it as i don't understand what is going on, atleast I'll do something to improve my vocabulary.
Thanks for this wonderful article. I am a beginner and really need a piece like this.
I'll be coming back to you when I need help with grammar and editing. So far I've been into lyrical poetry but now I think It's the right time to start some fiction. Pray for me ;)
After reading this story I went back to the top and saw that you've already won contests. Your style - ah! modus operandi is enthralling and you've got how to make people get shivers. It's almost mid noon here yet I could feel the darkness and damp air around. You created a picture of the scene.
However there was one thing worth noticing. The story had quite feminine characteristic - yes, you are a lady and so was the main character of the story. Being a guy, I was expecting some serious bloody action here which was missing. However I give it a full 5 - the story was really great. 5 for grammar and word-choice too.
The forbidden word was a mystery. The story was good and I could visualize every scene in my mind. You are a pro.
However there's one thing I really didn't like. In the beginning the story looked like a really big murderous mystery; as if Danny was going on a mission to pull some big secret out. But he ended up in a dumb music store talking to Tony! eh.
But your work was inspiring from me and I can learn a lot from it. I liked the names too..
A whole new world, magically carved out with words; I was down in the scene - the black fortress, and could feel the fear of prophecies that ancient Ornessian had made.
This was a piece of inspiration for a beginner like me. I must thank you for putting this up. I'm gonna read it again.
However I'd like to ask for guidance that I need. I'm a starter, though being a grown up guy, graduating in engineering, far away from the magical world of literature and languages. When will I be able to write something like this?
It seems that this essay was a school level prose. Throughout the piece, you've pointed to benefits of Computer and Technology from far above, taking generic points about it. I'll call it an average attempt in writing.
Let's discuss your mistakes here.
This article was written (or typed) very roughly and you didn't take any time to proofread it. You can easily see simple mistakes like :
knowledge ans research : should be "and"
wherein,business : comma shouldn't be used.
There are many more mistakes like these.
Remember to leave one blank space after every sentence. You can call it a standard rule.
I would suggest you write more and more, and improve your skills. Also find some time to read stuff written by other people in your genre.
By the way, I'm a Computer Engineer and I was expecting this article to be more thrilling technically. Tell me if you need help with anything.
To motivate you, I've attached 100 Gift Points with this review.
Keep Writing, Keep Smiling :)
Perfect man! You can mix these lines with distortion guitar in the background. Add a few rock / heavy metal licks in between. It'll be a perfect song. But try to add more rage and anger in the next songs. Put in more complicated, dark and bad words.
Nice. Love to read, great expressions and simple text to read.
I think i have read similar story somewhere, but you style of showing it was perfect. Phrases like 'balls of fur' add more imagery.
Good work!
Enjoy your stay at WDC.
Be sure you go to my profile and review my items - you will get GPs for that :)
TOO SWEET
Small lines, single words, all selected to show the real feelings of a tough breakup. Awesome skills in the lines 'The small crack... terrible doom'. lovely
I love your way of expression. This is short and precise expression to something as confusing as love. Nice and perfect.
Your 'Ride on my Train' was equally perfect and I couldn't help me control my arousal. Excellent erotica.
Lemme read rest of your portfolio items...
Quite good.
First thing I want to say is DONT WRITE IN ALL CAPITALS. ITS TOO RUDE, and sometimes HARDER TO READ.
Well, it was a good piece of emotional poetry. There was no fixed rhyming, though you tried to end some lines with same syllables. You could have tried to make it a free verse.
Word selection for perfect - you know what things to put in what place. It was nice to read this. Seems you collected all your emotions in a jug and threw them out in this poem :) Perfect work.
Very nice expressions - imparted that feeling in my mind. I'm only 20, a son (not a father) and may be unable to understand all what you were trying to say.
The verses were plain, simple, going with the flow and explaining the depth of visible scene as the time stands still in the eyes of father going 'down along the rows of stone'. Best part was depiction of heroic figure of both - and the confusion and memory in father's mind!
Hmm
I don't know what I should comment on this text. Seems very much incomplete.
Starting was good, and gets readers' interest. The dialogs are quite from common language, and good, But there is no description of the scene. I couldn't figure out whether these guys are in a cafe, or in a park, or standing separated by any bedroom door. There is no description at all.
Please understand what I'm trying to say. Don't think of it as negative.
This is just like any other fighting couple - not so much interesting. It was not a story actually - just few dialogs.
If this is a small part of bigger work, post that all here.
You'll enjoy staying at WDC - it helps a lot. You'll see improvements by reading and writing - both are equally important. READ, and WRITE - and WDC provides you an excellent platform. I'm hoping for something much better from your side.
Perfect imagery. Swim, float, sour, deafening silence - all these greatly emphasized what you wanted to say. Dreamless sleep - repeated to show existence of life to a person with such feelings.
I liked your way of expression. No changes required - nice.
Was too long, but too deep. You explained almost every thought that comes in a young mind. I give it a '5'. Perfect rhyme - sometimes get too much of it, yet nice.
Was nice to read.
Remember to read and review my portfolio items, esp 'The Schizoid Teenager'.
Shyness is the biggest hurdle in path of young minds.
Things to be improved : keep one center of whole poem - you tried it well but can improve. And rhyming needs to be uniform - either choose one rhyming scheme, or use alternate in different stanzas or make it fully random. Here third stanza is strictly rhyming. First and last one have their own ways.
Try to deepen your theme next time.
I call it a good work. Let me see some great pieces in future.
Enjoy writing.com
Aditya
ps. Gift points attached
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