hi dear,
initially I found your story dull and full of cliche, but later you give a good turning point and I can say, you revived the an old concept with new spices.
1. please beware of cliche, because you use them too much.
2. "laughed apologetically", "hyperventilate" and other pompous words.
if your story is not predictable, it will definitely be more interesting. Try with some original concept of your own. You have a good imagination indeed.
Hope my review will help you to improve your skills.
I will appreciate, if you review any highlighted item in my portfolio.
hi liza,
today I found some time, so I thought to review your another item.
This is really a wonderful story, you should be appreciated to form an interesting story from such a commonplace incidence. your minute observations in the story impressed me. I think, I it surely a much better story than I reviewed previously, a fantastic one. I say, you should try to get it published in a news paper.
There are certain points, I think, can help you to improve the story further.
1. the opening paragraph of the story does not flow smoothly, might be because of bulky words or something I couldn't observed, but you should work on it.
2."hope to see an elderly lady", I think either you should change the word hope or change the sentence that follows because it confuses about her perception.
3."her feet were tired", this sentence looks a little awkward, isn't it?
Hope to read the second part of your story, I am curious why Gracey asked leslie to come home.
bye till then!
hi selot,
you story was good to imagine, the bad part of it is that either you were in to hurry or you didn't know many spelling. I think, the first one applies to you. Additionally you should look at the punctuations, this will help to improve your story.
dear Marina,
what a wonderful imagination you have got. It is one actionable excerpt I have ever read. I salute your imagination power. I have some points that I think can help you to improve your work.
As I suppose it is a event oriented fiction. The girl has supernatural power. the story line goes pretty fast. What I would suggest you let the girl realise about her powers gradually one after another and give a more detailed description of the plot, surrounding environment.
It is great to read your imaginative ideas. I am quiet impressed with the ending "jimmy sang the song and bartender followed, everyone present in the bar along. It was really a fantastic idea to realise jimmy about her treatment to her prays.
there are certain points I found that can help you to improve your story.
1. I would be pleased to read and imagine physical atributes of both the protagonists.
2. I found the character of Kate to be a little to strange in common parlance, she behaves too openly to suit her character. I would be great if you could make the character a little mysterious.
3. Please describe how his jimmy's emotional behavior when he came to know the truth.
Once again, A good story with fantastic ending. I appreciate your work.
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