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Review by Dr Crow Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I'm going to start this with some technical details before I get into the rest

"Danny lay on the cold stone ground, she tried to call out for help but no sound escaped her mouth, her throat was as dry as sandpaper."
I would suggest breaking this into 2+ sentences it seems to be a bit of a run on. Also I applaud you for trying to cut back on using "she" in the line but It sounds like you're switching focus during the sentence since it was already determined that Danny was the subject.

The feel of the passage is pretty good with appropriate lulls in between conflict, You did use "Danny" 12 times in this passage so I would suggesting finding a way to use her proper noun less or to change the subject of the sentences away from her. I get that shes the main character but it is still nice to have the plot focus on her while the individual sentences and paragraphs focus on the most important thing in that moment. If you want you can message me and Ill do further analysis but I think this was all the important stuff.

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