BARK OF THE MEATS

Today's Unfinished Quote:
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"Ah, I think that got it. Yeah, see? Juhkleh-"
| Brown, Mitchell. 1986. |

Just before receiving his self-inflicted high caliber gunshot wound to the face.




Helpful Hints
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A traditional funeral rite, like jury duty, is a grave undertaking that demands a certain amount of tact and in some cases, restraint. A suicide, a priori or otherwise, is, by and large, no laughing matter. Attending the resulting funeral is another matter entirely, debatably more uncomfortable. Have you got the graveyard giggles? If you find yourself on the brink of this severe faux pas, be sure to hide your "inhuman laughter" effectively, with a plastic bag. Fitted snugly over the head's central "humor-holes", the mouth and nose, an ordinary plastic bag makes all the difference, keeping you calm and out of trouble with other grieving family members and friends.





Classified / Obituaries
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Budget Caskets...
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Anyone who's anyone who's a tramp can tell you that life is uncertain. Biology, though boring, is also very unpredictable to the extent that no one knows a thing about it because no one cares. All I know is: Valentines don't come shaped like livers when I receive them in my very own, brand-new mailbox, which is quite often. Every day, Jack! Some of them are probably from you. Consequently, "Doctors" make big bucks treating the sick, while cadavers slide effortlessly into and out of examinations without paying a cent! Are these people geniuses with specialized dead-skills? No! They just had the common sense and forethought to die so they could start living the easy life. The first and most important step in this limited-time, one-step plan is to die. Act now, in a public place, and you'll receive one of our custom liver-shaped caskets! That's right. Believe it. If you had any friends, then they wouldn't be able to recognize your rotting corpse in one of these babies, because you'll be classy and charming beyond all recognition. And those medical bills you've been dodging? Let's just say a certain doctor is going to get stiffed! (Most doctors are aroused by death) Don't forget, time is running out!


Daily Fatality Forecast...
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Happy Birthday A., Megan ; Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Easy come, Easy go!
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The Earthen Church, of a contemporary faunal-based faith akin to withcraft has developed quite a "cult following" at this point, more than enough it would seem, as Earthen Archon C., Blaine has rescheduled their group suicide twice now over the past month. For his parishioners who must be aching to perish by now, good news! The clergy and its entire grassroots following will be met with fair weather today, allowing for their final "Exodus", a complete success. You deserve it, gang!
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P.,Gerald will pass away wearing an expression complete surprise when someone he loves abruptly and unexplainably murders him. Sincerest apologies to Gerald - the identity of his murderer is tentatively withheld on said murderer's request.
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Crystal H. is going to go the way she always knew she would. Congratulations Crystal!
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Someone with an uncommon positive outlook on life will observe the window overlooking the lake from Whisper Willows Institution (for the mentally unwell) as its bricked up and will consequently expire from an unscheduled hemorrhaging of the corneas. (Name unavailable) The building additions to the facility will cause four other incidents, all near enough to fatal to spark philosophical debate: For K., Doug, M., Martin, W., Chad, and H., Jerry, vital signs remain stable for today.
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G., Alexander; After 88 years, the latter 45 spent alone, he will meet an accidental death in his home this evening. If his eyes weren't so far gone, he could take advantage from this warning: STAY OFF THE LADDER ALEX! [Editor's Note: Nobody say anything.]
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Historical figure Eli Whitney celebrates his nineteenth death today, on the anniversary of his pact with Satan*, no less. Better luck next time, Mr. Whitney!
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G., Jordan will go quietly in his sleep, from a combination of terror and intense pain.
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A., Happy will 'go lucky'... mown over by a hearse, already in his Sunday best. Partly cloudy, very small chance of rain.
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T., Mary will 'go round'... from complications arising from a stomach stapling. Mary can look forward to rapid weightloss over the coming months.
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L., Jack will expire the only way he knows how: clean and unobtrusive, in a warm bath, decorated in his own colors. He is advised to be patient as he will not be discovered there for another thirteen months, at which point he will be interred in a luxury liver-shaped casket. Remember, Jack: good things come to those who wait!
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If your birthday is today, you will be eaten alive by zodiac goats and scorpions. Clear skies and high winds, 131F.

Unlucky Numbers: -1, 13, 666, F


* {pact with Satan - [Dorian's World Encyclopedia]
The alleged dealings of Eli Whitney with Satan
are poorly chronicled, but historians gather,
partly through inference, that Eli gained
superhuman qualities from their direct
dealings. His famous cotton gin's design is
generally attributed to Satan's intervention;
did Whitney know beforehand the significant
contribution the gin would make in enabling
widespread slavery in America? The question is
the subject of heated contraversy to this day.
Howver, it is notable that Eli Whitney went
into hiding immediately after this theory,
dubbed the "Chain Reaction Conspiracy", was
made public. }