Broken Nails

As the trash truck pulled around the corner, the large man crouched in his customary position behind a bush. The trash truck came to a stop and 2 sanitation workers hopped off. They began towards the trash cans when one of the gentleman playfully kicked the other between the legs.
"Got you good dat time!" squealed the sanitation engineer with glee as the other gentleman fell to his knees in obvious pain.
"You think this is over. I'm going to twist your nipples like water faucets when your not looking!"
The large man behind the bush chuckled as he waited for the men to finish their job.
As the contents of trash cans were loaded into the truck, the man who got kicked in the crotch got behind the other sanitation engineer. He yelled, "Victory to the oppressed!" as he gave his coworker a wedgie. The man fell face first into a pile of rotten potatoes and angrily got up.
"You think your funnay, but you just wait!"
The driver of the trash truck yelled out from the front of the vehicle,"You guys stop screwing around! We's gots lots of pick ups to make."
The 2 sanitation workers hopped back on the vehicle and rode away.
The fat man with the Hefty bag shorts stood up from behind the bush and rumbled on over to the empty trash cans. He lifted the lid and noticed there was still some liquid in the bottom of the can. "Mmmm, I'm thirsty." he grumbled as he lifted the can to his mouth and drank the liquid from within.
After doing this with other trash cans, he licked his lips and smiled. It was early in the morning and this is what Wally, the fat man in plastic bag shorts, did every Wednesday. For some reason Wally felt today was different though. It may had something to do with the fact the weather began making his pimpled covered bald head cold or that his toe nails were so long they began cutting holes in his homemade squirrel skin shoes.
Either way, he needed to resolve these issues before the weather turned colder. He didn't want to be the only bum in the city with cold head and feet. That's when he decided it was time to start a mission of biblical proportions. He was going to scrounge around the dumpster behind the barber shop for hair and old scissors.
As he snuck behind the dumpster behind the barber shop, he noticed clumps of hair in variety of colors around the dumpster. This made Wally get excited so he did what was natural to him. He popped a boner and began running around like a roach looking for a hiding place. He grabbed as much hair as he could before a man in a white uniform approached him from the barber shop.
"Hey man, what the hell are you doing?"
"I need me some hair keep my head warm for the wintertime." replied Wally with a shit eating grin.
"Man, don't use that stuff, here let me get you something." said the barber as he ran back inside the shop. He came out with a ratty looking hair piece that had several holes in it. Wally grasped the hair piece and immediately licked the under side and slapped it on his head.
"Thanks mister! Do you have any scissors I could have?" asked Wally with sincerity.
"Get lost, fat man! I don't want to see you around here any more!" screamed the barber in anger.
Wally frowned and slowly walked away from the barber shop. As he walked down the street, he noticed a couple of horse cops eating barbecue sandwiches at a local deli. The horses were tied to some parking meters and one of them starting dropping some residue from it's rear onto the sidewalk.
"Damn, Clancy, what in the hell have you been feeding that horse? That's the second time it's done it today." said one of the horse cops to the other.
"Might be that low grade feed the city been giving him. I go clean it up..what..what the hell is that guy doing!?!" screeched Clancy the horse cop as he watched a 350 pound man in plastic bag shorts stuff each terd in his mouth like they were buttermilk biscuits.
"No problem, mistahs! This is my breakfast." said Wally with a smile. The horse cops were enjoying this sight too much and starting puking on their remnants of their barbecue sandwiches.
"Let's get that guy!" yelled Clancy as he and his partner ran to where Wally was at.
Wally was too quick for them though, he barrelled down an alley and headed towards the city park. The horse cops mounted theirs rides and charged after him. Wally thought he had lost them when he tripped up over a root with his extremely long toe nails. He squealed in pain as the nail on big toe on the left foot broke. "Aaahhwooo! Me toe nail!" The horse cops had him surrounded.
"Alright, fat boy! Hands up! Clancy call in back up."
Clancy tried call in some other horse units in the area, but all other horse cops were too busy brushing and waxing their rides. So he got the next best thing, a herd of 4 bicycle cops came riding down the trail ringing their bells.
"What do we have here, Clancy?" said one of the bike cops.
"This fat man with the bad hair piece began eating my horse's shit while we were eating our barbecue sandwiches. Naturally, we did what any normal human beign would do. We puked and this is where we are at." replied Clancy.
"What do you want us to do?" asked the bike cop with a sneer.
"Watch out for anybody whose coming. We are going to take care of this guy, horsey style!" relied Clancy with a smirk. The bicycle cops assumed their positions around the area by harassing joggers and hot dog vendors.
As the horse cops dismounted, they slowly approached Wally with batons in hand. Wally got nervous and decided it was time for evasive manuevers. He kicked his left foot out and it was batted with a baton by one of the horse cops. Toe nails flew in every direction. Ignoring the pain, Wally flung out his right leg in the direction of one of the cops. Again, it was hit with a baton. Toe nails flew everywhere. Tired, Wally slumped on the ground and noticed that his toe nails were no longer an issue because they had been broken off by the horse cops batons.
"Thanks guys, I needed that! What are going to do to me?" asked Wally.
"We're going to tie you up like a horse and rub mayonnaise on your back like we do with our horses!" screeched Clancy the horse cop.
"That it. Okay, I'll do it." replied Wally.
The horse cops were confused with this response so they just pummelled Wally with their batons and rode away.
Wally didn't feel very good after getting beat up, but at least his toe nails were shortened and his head was warm.