Campfire Tales

Scene 1
(Lights come up CC on an old man, wearing an older looking suit, torn in some areas. The man is quite gruff and has a beard that is matted and unclean. The man has a cane that he is leaning on and with a hoarse gruff voice he speaks . . .)

Old Man: Hello and welcome to our play! Now, some of you might ask yourselves, what is an old man and his cane doing center stage at a play of this caliber, and, the answer is simple, I broke in from off the street, bound and gagged the Narrator and, in the process of trying to find where the proceeds for this play are kept, somehow wondered onstage! Ho! Don’t be alarmed, for you surely learn to improvise while living on the street. This play, near as I can figure is that it’s a bit of a comedy, about four young whippersnappers that somehow are in the woods telling ghost stories. Back in my time, Children never got to go out for long periods of time without supervision, but I guess the times, they’ve changed. Anyway, while in this little excursion, something happens . . . something that wasn’t meant to happen . . . (lights dim slowly, then the Old Man yells) BOOOOOO! (He cackles for a bit and runs off stage, his cane tapping the stage as he goes, lights come back up to a struggling noise . . .)
Narrator:(from off stage) mhmelp . . . MHMELP (In nothing but boxers, tied up and gagged flops on stage, Security guard comes onstage, un-gags him and helps him stand)
Narrator: (To guard) Go get him, and when you find him, break his legs! Sorry about that interruption, we will now go on with the play, which, rest assured is better then this opening skit. My lord, we need to hire better writers. The show, as that old man might have told you, is about four young campers who went, ironically, camping, on a warm night . . . (Lights fade to black)


Scene 2

(Lights come up on four teenagers sitting around a fire CS. They are dressed
in camping apparel, cooking s!mores. Heidi is sitting far left, followed in line by Milo, Joe and Megan)


Milo: And THAT is why you should never lick stamps while in the bathtub.
Megan: That is really . . . disturbing.
Milo: I know. Hey look. It’s finally getting dark! (Lights flicker)
Joe: I think I’m having a seizure
Heidi: Well, at least you have the comfort of knowing there isn’t a hospital for miles.
Milo: That is comforting
Joe: You all are a riot.
Heidi: You know what? We should tell some ghost stories.
Joe: Why? Your face is scary enough! Haha!
Heidi: The only thing that is scary is your manners.
Megan: Yeah, let’s tell ghost stories!
Joe: Noooo, I would like to be able to sleep alone tonight.
Megan: You WILL be sleeping alone tonight.
Joe: That is what YOU think.
Milo: Good idea, Heidi. Who wants to go first?
Joe: Not it.
Heidi: Not it.
Milo: Not it.
Megan:.........Does that make me it?
Joe: Yes
Megan: You don’t want to hear mine, and I don’t want Joe to try to get into my tent.
Joe: I’m going to try anyway.
Megan: Good point, but I still don’t want to be it.
Joe: You want to know something really scary?
Milo: What?
Joe: I was out of underwear when I packed
(Milo, Heidi, & Megan Scream)
Joe: NOW who won’t be able to sleep tonight?
Heidi: All of us.

Joe: Ok, ok, I’ll go first, for real
Milo: Quick question.
Joe: Yes?
Milo: Was that true?
Joe: Yes. (Megan and Milo move away from Joe)
Joe:(Lights go out and Joe stands, then walks DSC turns a flashlight on his face, to the audience) Now, time for a REALLY scary story. (Evil Kathy laugh, Blackout)

Scene 3

(Spotlights come up on the very edge of the apron, far right. Joe is
sitting on the edge, facing the audience, Milo, Megan, and Heidi are sitting
in the front row, facing him)

Joe: Now our story begins with a beautiful girl named Cynthia. (Lights come up on stage as Cynthia #1 jumps out in the middle, arms to her sides and smiling with a girlish smile)
Joe:(Glancing back) Um, casting? I’m thinking prettier, maybe blonde. (Cynthia #1 clenches her fists and heads toward Joe as a large cane comes and pulls her offstage, she is replaced by Cynthia #2, a cute blonde who gives Joe a suggestive wave)
Joe: (Waving back) There you go.
Heidi: You are such a pig.
Joe: Do you want to be my farmer?
Heidi: EW, no.
Joe: Then let me tell my story MY way. Now as I was saying, there was a very beautiful girl named Cynthia, and Cynthia loved her pet hamster, Sally. (From off stage, struggling is heard, as a boy dressed in a hamster outfit is forced onstage. He fights back until he realizes he is onstage, then looks to the audience, cleans himself off, then squats down.)
Joe: Sally was a boy, but Cynthia would not accept this fact, and she tried to dress him up in ballerina outfits all the time. (Joe glances back)
Sally: Noooo (With a horrified look, looks up at Cynthia, who has an evil grin on her face as she holds up a too-too. Sally lets out a scream and begins to run around the stage for a bit, until Cynthia tackles him and forces the tutu on him, she stands as he looks out at the crowd with his pink tutu on)
Sally: You are really horrible, [Insert Joe’s actor’s real name].
Joe: I know, but I’m a better actor, or else I would be wearing the tutu. Now shut up and let me tell the story. Now one day, while Cynthia was playing . . . (Lights fade on the campers and only Cynthia and Sally are seen)
Cynthia: (Squeezes Sally in a hug) I love you so much Sally! And you look great in that too-too!
Sally:(to the audience) well, at least there are some perks.
Cynthia: I think I’m going to take a nap. Time to go into your cage! (Lights show come up onto a
cage)
Sally: ... No, not there again . . . PLEASE . . . I can’t take it! ...Please . . . NOOOO! (Cynthia forces Sally into a cage and lies down on the bed)
Sally: (Gripping the bars and looking out at the audience) She always does this to me. These cedar shavings really chafe and look at this! (Point to water feeder) Have you ever tried DRINKING from one of these? And I expect that you don’t eat pellets all day either! I’m going to go insane in here, what is there to do? Oh yes, the wheel, everyone LOVES it when I go on the wheel, around and around. (Door hinge on the cage slowly slips open with a load creaking noise, Sally looks at the now open door, then to the audience, a evil grin spread across his face, as he slides the too-too of slowly and creeps over to the door, pushing it slowly open)
Sally: (Whispering) Finally, my chance has come... (Creeps out of his cage, then slowly heads for the door, looking back, he sees a high heeled shoe with a sharp heel, he creeps over to it, picks it up, then creeps standing over the sleeping Cynthia he raises the shoe... Blackout...Spotlight comes up on the campers, Heidi is now sitting in Milo’s lap with her head ducked down)
Heidi: Oh... (Climbs off of him) that wasn’t very scary, I mean a hamster named Sally in a tutu.
Joe: I’m not done.
Heidi: How much stupider can it get?

Joe: Whom was the one in an others lap?
Milo: My natural charm, I’m afraid.
Heidi: (Embarrassed) I thought there was a spider, that is all.
Milo: Thank God for spiders.
Joe: Anyways, as I was saying, my story isn’t quite done........... (Joe looks back onstage as the spotlight on the campers fades and the stage lights come up on Cynthia lying heaped over on the bed, the Heel on the floor and Sally standing CC)
Sally: (Pacing) Free...finally, I am free! But what now? They will surely know it was I! Where can I go, where can I hide. It’s a big world out there and I’m just a small hamster! ... I must think. What is there for me now? (Looks out at the audience, a brilliant looking grin comes over his face, and a boy runs out and holds a giant cardboard light bulb over his head)
Boy: DING! (Runs offstage)
Sally: That it! That’s it! (Runs and hides in the crowd, noises are heard offstage as a Cynthia’s Father comes to her room)
Dad: Cynthia, it’s almost time for...Cynthia! (Rushes to her) What has happened to you?!? (From the audience, a giant foam pellet shaped object flies and hits Dad, he falls, Sally runs on stage and beats him with the pellet, all the while he is flailing and shouting, until he lays still.)
Sally: (Panting) Two down, that leaves only one more...(Sally picks up a toy and throws it out the door, and runs back to hide in the audience. There is a loud banging noise, and footsteps are heard, Cynthia’s mother enters the room...)
Mom: Cynthia... OH MY GOD! (Rushes over to her husband, and sally slowly makes his way up on the stage behind her, he picks up a large play-pencil, and slowly creeps over to her, lifting it up with the sharp point down, Mom turns and sees him)
Sally: FREEEEDOOMMM! (As he pushes down with the pencil, she moves out of the way and Ninja kicks out his legs grabbing the giant pencil)
Mom: You spawn of Satan! Die! (She “stabs” him with the pencil repeatedly, as he calls out screaming various things till he stops moving, and the pencil stays in him, mom returns kneeling next to her husband... then eerie “Jaws” music comes on, as Sally slowly stirs and stands.
Picking the pencil up, he stagers and hovers over mom with an evil laugh, mom turns and screams, Sally raises the pencil and then blackout, a scream is heard then cut off suddenly)

Scene 4
(Lights come back up on the campers; Milo is now in Meg’s lap, with Heidi on his. Joe has a stupid grin on his face.)

Joe: Scary, wasn’t it?
Heidi: Nnnno. I don’t think we should play this game any more. (Climbs of Milo’s lap)
Milo: That was kind of...INSANELY stupid, but scary.
Meg: Um, can you please get off my lap?
Joe: Heh, looks like Meg is more manly then all of you. No wonder I like her!
(Milo returns to his seat, slowly)
Milo: Hey, a killer hamster in a tutu would scare almost anyone.
Joe: Just put them in the microwave.
Meg: That’s horrid.
Joe: Well it’s either you or them, and personally, I choose you (grin, as Meg lets out a sigh and
rolls her eyes)
Milo: So who is next?
Heidi: I don’t want to play anymore.
Meg: Oh come on, we are all here to protect each other.
Joe: (eyes everyone around him) For some reason, that doesn’t give me much comfort.
Meg: Does anything give you comfort?
Joe: You can
Meg: Drop Dead.
Joe: You know I would, for you.
Meg: Please do.
Heidi: calm down, love birds.
Milo: I will tell a story.
Joe: You couldn’t scare anything.
Milo: We will see, now my story begins in a graveyard... (Lights come up behind him on a graveyard scene, tombstones, graves, etc)
Joe: Oh, a graveyard, that is scary.
Milo: Shut up. Now our story begins... with a teenage girl (onstage, Katie walks onto the graveyard, looking around with a flashlight, looking scared, and then a giant thunder crack goes of, and storm sounds are herd)
Joe: No fair! You get better stage effects!
Milo: Will you let me continue? Now anyways (lights fade on the campers and Katie is still
Onstage wandering around)
Katie: Stupid friends, why would they ask me to meet them here? Especially on Halloween, must be one of their stupid jokes (sarcastically) Hey, let’s get her alone in a graveyard, then have our way with her! Haha! Real funny guys, you can come out, the joke is up! They are probably hiding behind one of these gravestones. (To audience) Hey, watch this (she picks up a rock and throws it, hitting a tombstone and causing it to fall over) Oh damn! I didn’t mean for that to happen! (Eerily, a cloud of white smoke comes up from out of the grave in front of the stone that was just knocked over, and there, stands Whitey, Whitey is one of those stereotypical ghosts, the white sheet with two eye holes, Stage boy runs out on stage carrying a sign that says “ Scream “, after audience reacts, he holds up another sign that says “Oooooh”, then another sign that says “ Ahhhh” Then another sign that says “Strike”)
Stage boy: They don’t pay me! I’m a poor immigrant child they bought off the black market! (Two Thugs come out and physically silence the boy, and drag him offstage; Whitey picks up the signs and tosses them into the audience)
Katie: (screams) AHHHHA! WHAT ARE YOU?
Whitey: Boo.
Joe: (from audience) BOO IS RIGHT! (Various hitting and muffled punches and grunts are heard)
Whitey: Anyways, I’m John Whitey. That was my grave you knocked over.
Katie: I’m sorry, my friends are really stupid
Whitey: so you defile a mans GRAVE?
Katie: It was accident.
Whitey: Accident or no accident, I’m going to have to kill you.
Katie: Why?! Can’t we forgive and forget?
Whitey: Sorry, I’m bound by the Poltergeist Clause of the Third Article of the Constitution of Ectoplasmic Beings
Katie: Ghosts have Constitutions?
Whitey: Yep, and believe me, you don’t want me to call my Union rep.

Katie: You have Unions?
Whitey: Yep, I’m a member of the “Specters’R’Us Union” (holds out a laminated card)
Katie: Wow, bet you get paid well.
Whitey: Yep.
Katie: Well I don’t believe you have to kill me!
Whitey: Does it really MATTER what you believe?
Katie: It should!
Whitey: Look for yourself (reveals a very thick, old looking book and hands it to Katie) page 1,196, paragraph 3, and sentence 3.
Katie: (flips open book and scans) Well, what do you know, it’s there!
Whitey: Yep.
Katie: (reads on) Hey, it also says that you are bound to have to change your sheet every 2 weeks, open to inspection.
Whitey: Yea, that was pushed through legislation by Alexander Hamilton, something about Thomas Jefferson running around in dirty robes, dang Federalists. Anyways (grabs back book) time to join our union!
Katie: AHH! I hate unions! (Runs around the set, chased by whitey, during which music from the Bennie hill comes on, chase occurs for roughly 2 minutes, until whitey hunches over, gasping for breath)
Katie: Wait a second, ghosts don’t breathe! (She goes over to Whitey and pulls the sheet off of him, revealing a boy, he is very skinny, pale, and in nothing but white briefs, One of the thugs from before comes out holding up a sign that says “ Scream” and then goes back, then, out comes the character from scream in a mask and black robes, carrying a knife.)
Scream: You called?
Whitey: Who are you? We are trying to do a play here
Katie: Yea, why don’t you leave?
Scream: Screw you, too! (Starts to chase down Katie and Whitey, stabbing and killing them, then when he is done, he gets up, and runs offstage, Black out, lights come up on a news reporter, sitting behind a reporters desk)
Reporter: And that concludes Stamps and Tubs, the brutal story about the lesson one man learned the hard way. (Pause) In other news tonight, two teenagers, their names yet to be released, were found brutally murdered in a cemetery last night. This is the most recent event in a series of murders, occurring in cemeteries at night. The police have not thus far released any evidence in the case, but they have warned people to STAY out of cemeteries at night. Say, wasn’t this studio built on a former cemetery? (Scream is seen, approaching the reporter) what a weird cowinkydink. You’d think they would learn from all those cheesy horror slash comedy plays not to go into a cemetery at night, I mean isn’t that just ASKING for it? (Scream now pulls the reporter down behind the desk, his knife seen in the air, a muffled scream, and then Scream gets up, and walks center stage, all lights around him fade as an Ellipsoidal light shines on him, not one of those cheesy Fresnels to prevent blindness.)
Scream: (taking of his mask) I would personally like to say, that I disagree entirely with this skit, as it is a shameless cliché and rip-off of so many classic movies. As a thespian I am appalled that the writer of this play would so shameless flaunt such great classics. Furthermore I would like to say.... (Giant cane comes out and yanks Scream off-stage light fades to black)


Scene 5
(Lights come up on the campers; Joe is in Meg’s lap)


Meg: Won’t scare you? Hmm?
Joe: No, I just wanted to sit in your lap, that’s all
Meg: (pushing him off) Pervert.
Joe: We prefer to be called “people with misunderstood sexual preference” Thank you very much.
Heidi: that was really...um...good Milo.
Milo: Thanks; I improvised the whole thing (proud of himself)
Joe: You know what I call that?
Milo: What?
Joe: BAD Acting
Milo: Would you prefer scripted drivel? (<English Spelling Word)
Joe: It probably would be funnier
Meg: Only if it was written by your face.
Joe: You are so subtle, my buttery love cup.
Meg: Love cup?
Joe: Yes, sounds fun! Shall we?
Meg: (slaps Joe) We shall NOT.
Joe: Always getting my hopes up.
Meg: We are probably going to get sued for copyright infringement, you know that, right?
Milo: Meh, I’ll give them your address.
Meg: Har Har. Anyways, it’s my turn to tell a story.
Joe: Oh yes, please tell us a story!
Meg: if you don’t shut up, I’ll have you replaced.
Joe: Replaced? What could replace me?
Milo: A drunken hobo who has wondered on a set in a drunken stupor?
Joe: don’t you think that is a bit of overkill?
Milo: No! Seriously a drunken hobo who has wondered on a set in a drunken stupor! (Points as Old Man is coming towards them, they get up, Heidi screams and the old man starts chasing them with his cane, they run around in the audience until they run onstage,)
Old Man: (adjusting his mold suit and tie) Well, you thought I had left, didn’t you? Dumb you! I didn’t survive ‘Nam, the hippies, living as a carne, fighting Tom Brokaw for his dentures, and fending off Janet Reno with nothing more then a plastic butter knife and a newspaper, just to be chased off by a bunch of hired bouncers did you? Well, now you should have learned you never count out an old hobo. For we have magic! Muahahah! No matter how smelly and drunken our stupor is. We can do crazy things. Crazy PROFOUND things. (Douglas walks onstage)
Douglass: Profound things?
Old Man: Yes, profound
Douglass: Would you say, DRIPPING with profundity?
Old Man: That I would
Douglass: Say it.
Old Man: Say what?
Douglass: Dripping with profundity.
Old Man: Why?
Douglass: SAY IT!
Old Man: (throws his hands up in the air) DRIPPING WITH PROFUNDITY!
Douglass: Thank you. (Walks offstage)
Old Man: Now as I was saying, we can do magical things. Like watch this! (Old man flutters his arms about and does a merry jig, bagpipe music comes on and he starts to dance in old folk ways. Small leprechauns come onstage and start to dance with him, then comes on Sally in his to-to, dancing gaily, the music ends and they all exit) See? I can DANCE! Now, As for our play so far, if you have liked it, please clap. (A leprechaun comes out holding an “applause” sign and shaking a menacing fist) Now for all of you losers, who haven’t liked it, please stand so my wee friends can escort you from the theater, take you to an alleyway, and “steal your lucky charms” as they put it. (Narrator comes onstage)
Narrator: Are you done?
Old Man: No, why?
Narrator: Because we want to go to Andy’s to get some ice cream and go bowling after this.
Old Man: ICE CREAM! (Runs offstage)
Narrator:(to audience) Now that we are done acting in Kari Reynoldsness, We should finish the play without any more interruption. The Director has asked me to make a few short announcements firstly, though. First, will the owner of the black Cadillac, with the license plate: U R DEAD please move as there are several casted leprechauns trapped under it. (Scream comes onstage)
Scream: Sorry bout that, parking was a killer (throws his arms out and does “spirit fingers”, rim shot, as he jigs offstage)
Narrator: No problem. Secondly, snacks are on sale in the back of the auditorium, please help support our theater group, so we can afford to but on plays with actual wit. Thank you. (Blackout)


Scene 6
(Lights come up on the campers, in there spots again)

Joe: That guy was kind of creepy.
Milo: You are darn tooting’.
Meg: Well, now after that short little excursion, may I tell my story?
Joe: Gladly. (Putting his hand on her leg)
Meg: Ok mine starts out with a guy named Joe. He one day pushes a girl over the edge, and she ties his legs and arms to a car, one to each, then sets the cars off in all four directions, then buries the biggest piece (Glaring at Joe)
Joe: (Moving his hand, gulping his throat) hmm, that was very...interesting. Did you decapitate? all your Barbies and melt them in a microwave?
Meg: Sounds fun!
Joe: So precious
Meg: Now for my real story... (Blackout, lights come up on a street setting, with a house in the back ground with a porch and a jack-o-lantern on the steps, with Kari and Charley standing DSL, Kari is wearing a leather cat outfit, and Charley is dressed as Captain Underpants.)
Kari: This leather really chafes
Charley: Yea, me too, this underwear is dirty.
Kari: Ewwwww
Charley: Tell me about it
Kari: Look, that is really an ugly jack-o-lantern
Charley: Yea it is, it looks like it was carved by a kid with autism
Kari: Let’s smash it.
Charley: No! I heard when you smash jack-o-lanterns, Peter Peter Pumpkin-Eater kills you!
Kari: Who is Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater?
Charley: He is this dude who wears a black robe and has a giant pumpkin head!
Kari: That’s wiggy
Charley: Yea, totally wiggy.
Kari: Want to see if it’s true?
Charley: No, I’m scared
Kari: Don’t be a baby (Walks over to the pumpkin and picks it up)
Charley: Please no!
Kari: Haha! Screw you Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater ! (Throws the pumpkin down, followed by cricket chirps) See. Nothing happened,
Charley:(matter of fatly) I peed a little.
Kari: Cool! Me too.
Charley: You are telling me! (All of a sudden a giant puff of purple smoke arises from the smashed pumpkins area, a midget comes out dressed up as the blue flying monkey from Wizard of Oz and holds a sign saying “ oooooohh “ then another saying “ ahhhhhhh” then exits as Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater arises in the smoke).
Peter: You DARE to disrespect the sanctity of the pumpkin!
Kari: He he, you said titty.
Peter: Do not mock me!
Charley: No Kari, you will anger him!
Kari: oh, I’m shaking in my fishnet stockings!
Peter: Time to die, Mortal!
Kari: Ha! I’m no mortal!
Peter: Then what are you?
Kari: I’m an antidisestablishmentarian!
Peter: No! Not an antidisestablishmentarian!
Charley: Anti what sit who sit?
Kari: Antidisestablishmentarian
Charley: What the hell is an antidisestablishmentarian?
Kari: ...And as an antidisestablishmentarian I am thus endowed with certain powers
Charley: Like?
Kari: Charisma, good looks, superb intelligence, the occasional rage blackout and strangely, a kind of fungus that the doctors have yet to identify.
Charley: Hmm, tasty.
Peter: Now to duel! (Out comes the flying monkey midget, holding a weird Falcata-style sword, Peter peter pumpkin-eater throws down his cape, revealing a debonair fencing outfit. He takes the sword, holds it out in front of him) On Guard!
Kari: Ha! My Sword! (Out rushes on of the leprechauns and he kneels, holding out a large Claymore-style sword. Kari takes the sword and meets Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater’s sword) You have know ideal what kind of mistake you are making!
Peter: Prepare to die! (They begin to duel, moving back and forth onstage, Kari saying occasionally “Ha”)
Charley: Thrust! Parry! Haha! Thrust! Thrust! (Then Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater knocks away Kari’s sword and stabs her, she falls, dead)
Kari: Wait a second, that’s not in the script! (Stands up, she pulls out a maroon bound script from somewhere onstage and begins to flip through it, then stops, scrolls down with her finger) HA! There it is! See!
Peter: Where? (Pulls out his own maroon bound script and begins to flip through it)
Kari: Page 13
Charley: I wish I had a cool maroon bound script.
Kari: Charley, you ate yours, remember!
Charley: Well, I was hungry.
Peter: Say, you are right!
Kari: See!
Peter: Oh well, it’s not like we follow the script anyways, Improv! (Stabs Kari again)
Kari: Ah! Good point! I am slain! (Falls dead)
Charley: She is dead! (Looks to crowd) Dead Dead Dead
Peter: Ah ha! Now it’s your turn, smelly underwear boy!
Charley: No! (Lets out a girl scream and begins to run around the stage) Help! Help me! (Out walks Leprechaun #1)
Leprechaun #1: What all the clamorin’ be ‘bout?
Charley: He is trying to kill me!
Leprechaun #1: Is he now, laddie, I’ll set him straight come on out her, boys! (Out walks several leprechauns carrying various weapons, i.e. clubs, chains, pipes etc.)
Peter: Haha! Leprechauns? You insult my powers!
Leprechaun #1: have at him, boys!
Peter: ha ha! Potato Famine!
Leprechaun #1: Ah! Now that’s hittin’ below da belt! Now get him good!
Peter: Ah! I thought that would work.
Leprechaun #1: It might work with the French if you yelled “Germans!” Ruff ‘em up! (The leprechaun gang jumps on Peter Peter Pumpkin-eater and starts beating him up in the background as muffled yelps for help are heard)
Charley: Well, looks like Pumpkin Pie for desert tonight! (Charley crosses his arms and starts to river dance, Blackout).