A Letter To My Family

Since neuropathy, a devastating neurological disease attacked my body two years ago; I have seen the destruction of my life and the horrible impact on you, my family. Blind-sided, without warning, a once independent, fiercely competitive man is now laid low. I now know what it means to be scared, vulnerable. It seems as though my world is caving in and I am trying my best to hold up the crumbling walls so the mud of chaos and confusion don’t overcome us. Disappointment, depression, doubt and dread, hound me like a pack of wolves smelling the scent of blood, moving in for the kill. I have watched how all of our roles and relationships have changed. This unseen earthquake, always tremoring with aftershocks and threatening destruction, has loosened our family system.

As I look on helplessly, an unseen enemy loots and plunders everything we own and accosts every one of you in a different fashion. I can feel the tension throughout the house as we all go through the motions. You see, I can tell we are drifting apart. Like a man stranded on an uncharted island called sickness, I watch the tide of the living slowly pull you out to sea.

I feel desperation and a tremendous sense of urgency as I throw a line to you in hopes you can stop looking seaward long enough to catch my rope. As the sun quickly begins to set on the horizon, I know in my heart that time is running out. In my mind, I am an actor on a stage in a play where the whole world is watching and I am the only one who doesn’t know my lines. I have become a mistake, a bad risk, and an unfortunate gamble. As each day goes slipping by I find myself feeling more alone. I detect a growing sense that my presence is more of a burden than a blessing. I have been stripped of my rank, fired from my job, demoted, defaced, and defeated.

Over the last few months, I have lost my job, income, independence, ability to drive, memory, future, hope, and faith. These losses, I can handle. However, the one loss that is driving me to write this letter is you, my family. I feel like I am losing you and that is the one loss I cannot allow.

Anthony G. Stowe 2002