Vaccine For A Klutz

          I did it all by myself. My first ever shiner, and what a beaut!

         It happened after many tries to program the VCR. The remote suddenly jumped off my hand and hit me in the eye. My dog growled, thumping his tail on the carpet, trying to find the culprit who attacked his master. I pointed to the VCR and said, “Attack!” He looked at me funny, sat down with a whimper, and covered his ears with his paws. Man’s best friend, he ain’t.

         I thought I’d consult a more knowledgeable source. So I opened up the VCR’s booklet.

         It said, “Press the PROG button. The main menu appears. Press the set button. The Timer Program Set menu appears. Press the numbered buttons 0-9 to set the timer program.” I swear I did all that. I pushed all the buttons from 0 to 9 and all I got was a blue blinking screen. Not only that, but I also lost the TV reception for good.

         Defeated, I got up to do the laundry. The basket was full and some of the dirty laundry was becoming petrified. If I could live long enough, I could’ve hit oil just by not doing the laundry. I dragged the basket all the way to the washing machine, causing a musty basement odor to fill my eighth-floor apartment. I emptied the dirty clothes into the machine, brought it to high, and put in the detergent. The machine whizzed and whirred and stopped with a big screech.

         “You too?” I yelled at it.

         The plumber who came to fix it was scared at the sight of me.

         “Say, Fella,” he asked timidly, “Did you get in a bar brawl?”

         Later though, he was very understanding.

         “I get this from most new housewives,” he said. “Believe me you’re not alone. If women can do it, what is wrong with us men? We can do it also. Your VCR, you ask me. No luck...my wife does all that.”

         Nice man. Yet, it cost me seventy-five dollars plus tax because of an unruly sock stuck in the drainage hole. I’m telling you, nothing behaves itself in my home.

         After the plumber left, I chomped on some snack food as I iced my black eye.

         It was nothing that was supposed to attack a person, just some potato chips and pretzels. My dog was having a grand time licking the spills off the rug when I suddenly choked. He began to bark at the weird sounds I was making. He barked so hard that a neighbor came to the door. By this time, I was purple in the face. Luckily, the door was open. When he walked in, he was cursing at my inconsideration for his beauty sleep.

         Being an astute guy, however, he quickly caught on to what had gone wrong, and his Heimlich maneuver gave me relief, but my dog took it the wrong way.

         After my neighbor administered to the bite marks on his arm, he asked me if he could do anything else for me.

         “Please Jack,” I said. “Can you show me how to program the VCR?”

         “Sure,” he answered, “anytime you want it done, just call me over, Pal.”

          Finally, my VCR did work.

         “By the way,” Jack said as he turned to leave, “I work in a lab and we’re developing a vaccine which will provide protection for a certain group. Believe me, you belong in this target group.”

         “What is the name of this vaccine?” I asked.

         “Vaccine for a klutz,” he answered with a glint in his eye.

         You may be regarding me as if I'm a sideshow freak, now; but, I smiled at Jack. Why, you ask?

         Well, why not? A smile makes you appear more approachable and friendly. It also gets other people to program your VCR.

         Success in life sometimes comes in a very prickly package.