Sachets of Joy

Tomiban + Ishbi




The dog lay on the floor barely breathing. She was neither quite alive nor dead, delicately balancing between the two worlds. She looked content. It wouldn't matter to her which way the balance shifted. The certainty of one choice over the other did not weigh her down. Maybe that's why she was able to levitate there between the two worlds. It was not her choice to make. Her desire could not tip the scales.


It is an innocuous emotion, desire. Usually paired with passion. I think it partners far better with motivation. Passion is fleeting. Passion needs to be satiated. It is a wave that crashes onto the shoreline. It is inevitable but it passes. Motivation and desire, these can take a creature a long way.


Thank you Tomiban, for that wisdom. I might as well appreciate that answer since it has nothing to do with the question I asked you.


It was still an answer Ishbi. Perhaps you asked the wrong question.


Which way did the dog tip over?


Death was chosen for the dog.


Lucky dog. It doesn't need to find the right questions for you.


If it was alive, it would not be distracted by your criticism, like I am occasionally prone to being. The dog would only have sympathy for your inability to access your truth.


Ishbi was finally silent.


Tomiban's eyes danced joyfully.


The moment lingered lazily in the air. The wind took notice and briefly paused. The leaves stopped rustling and the monsoon clouds allowed the afternoon sun to cast a brief shadow. It was as if nature wanted to hear Ishbi's response. Ishbi waited patiently soaking in the moment before she spoke.


As usual you are wrong. My truth is painfully accessible. It takes all I have to keep it from erupting.


Tomiban was finally silent.


Ishbi continued. Yes, of course the eruption will be useful, perhaps even liberating, but I do not want to deal with the consequences. The consequences are worse than what I have to experience today.


Tomiban stayed silent.


I know what today brings. I know what I feel and why I feel it. It's my truth. If I share it then my truth becomes something for others to judge. Worse, when they get offended by my disdain for their actions, they will not act rationally. They will defend themselves with emotion. The emotions of anger, hostility, prejudice and vengeance at being attacked by me. This can only lead to escalation. Not resolution. My criticism is an armor that protects not just me but all those around me.


An interesting sacrifice, Ishbi. To martyr yourself for your enemy.


Enemy is much too strong a word.


So is 'martyr'. But you choose to focus on 'enemy'.


It was Ishbi's turn to be silent.


My strong language was used to hold a mirror to you. The words you choose to respond to are a reflection of your internal state. You have accepted your role in your own disillusionment. The sacrifice was made a long time ago. You no longer care to make your feelings known. You have come to terms with it. You have chosen not to utilize the power of your agency. It is no one else's fault. That is why you object to the term 'enemy'. The only enemy you have is your own will.


_____


Ishbi


She had grown up in a rural part of the country. They never had much but her parents made just enough money that they did not go hungry. Her mother cleaned a restaurant and her father worked in construction. She never celebrated a birthday. There was always some unforeseen event that wouldn't allow for it. To her parents credit, it was years before she realised money was the problem.


She was not attractive in the traditional way men seemed to like. She had a plain face but fiery eyes through which shone her intelligence. She needed it where she grew up. There was no one home to explain anything to her. She felt neglected and resented her parents for it. She understood why they weren't there for but it still didnt make it right. She was determined to get out and live a life on her terms. So she did.


She got a full scholarship to college and was recruited as soon as she graduated. She spent fifteen years hustling her way up the corporate ladder through a combination of grit and compulsion. There was no alternative to being successful at what she did. She always felt behind. Behind on the way she spoke, the way she wrote, the way she dressed. But she always caught up. She never complained. She never felt sorry for herself. She just did what she needed to, every step of the way. She was eventually recruited to head a young company on the rise. She achieved her life's goal much faster than she ever thought possible.


And yet when she did it she felt empty. The destination was nowhere near as rewarding as she imagined. The emptiness caused an uneasiness that she could not shake. Eventually she chose to take a sabbatical and came to Tomiban. She hoped he would give her perspective that could help her find her path. She had first met Tomiban when she was still college and the meeting shaped her profoundly. They had kept in touch over the years. There was a comfort she had with him which made her relax. It brought out a directness in her that was the opposite of how she communicated at work.


_____________


Tomiban + Jarron


The monsoon rain fell gently. It appeared to slow its descent as it hit the ground, trying kindly to keep the sound down after the thunderous downpour of the previous night. Tomiban had to strain his eyes as he peered over the forest from his hilltop home to make sure the rain was actually still coming down. It was an important task. To be able to see the feeble rain would give him the confidence his eyes were working. Very useful for an old man. If it was not raining, then his eyes were in even better shape since they were correct in their assessment right away prior to the straining.


As he pondered over his feelings towards growing old, his eyesight and the invisible rain he was rudely interrupted. A drenched Jarron mournfully sat down on the floor beside him. Tomiban was not pleased to notice how heavily soaked his clothes were.


I love her because of the things she screws up. Not despite them. If she were flawless it would be too overwhelming a flaw.


Ishbi is many things but not flawless. Does she know you love her Jarron?


It would be preferable but I don't need it. I love her. That is my choice. I don't need to burden her with the responsibility to respond to my feelings. Whether she wants to or not. She does not need me in her life at the moment. I can wait. Patience is one of my rare virtues.


Sacrifice is one of hers.


Don't be glib Tomiban.


On this occasion, sadly, I am not. I would like to be glib however. It sounds youthful.


It is term generally used as an insult.


Insults are like bad wine. Unappreciated when first uncorked but eventually useful.
Let me tell you a story.


Must I hear it?


It's your fault Jarron. If you had just carried an umbrella, I would have been too busy appreciating my vitality to care for your problems.


Jarron knew better than to ask about the umbrella. The story began.


Once a bird tweeted in a tree. A lawn mower groaned loudly as it went about its official purpose in life. What if the lawn mower wanted to be something else. A parrot? Why in the world would you want to be a parrot tweeted the bird. Macaws would be the bird to choose tweeted away the tweety bird.


No one asked your opinion growled the lawn mower as it chopped away. I can decide who or what I want to be. Parrots are green. I like green grass. Parrots can make many different noises or sounds. Lawn mowers only make one, unless they're broken. Plus they can fly which I imagine to be pretty amazing. I cant even jump.


Boo hoo tweeted the bird. Boo hoo. You're a lawn mower, Just accept it and the rest of your life will be so much better. You're never going to fly. You're never going to be a parrot. So what's the point of whining? Accept that you're a lawn mower and life will be so much better.


The lawn mower growled even more angrily. Anyone who achieved anything in this life did it because they did not accept who they were. They aspired to be more than themselves. That's how you learn. You grow. You evolve. Not by accepting life.


The bird paused for a brief moment. It seemed only fair to give the lawn mower some comfort that the bird would actually think about his statement. If you cannot accept who you are you can never become great. The path to greatness starts with acceptance. You are a lawn mower. Be the greatest lawn mower in the world. Let parrots be parrots.


I must admit I didn't see the story ending that way Tomiban.


Neither did I but once I began there was nowhere else to go.


Lawnmowers and parrots are not going to help me neighbour. All I know is that I am going to just do me and I'll be fine. Thanks for nothing.
Jarron flashed a broad, grateful smile.


I am an old man. A compliment once in a way may extend my years.


When you are old, I will compliment you.


__________


Jarron


He grew up in a family with money. Luckily for him he didn't know it while he was growing up. Money was not discussed in the house unless it was wasted or needed to be saved. His parents made him learn about earning it from a young age. He enjoyed the games where he sold things to his neighbours or went birthday shopping on a budget. He always knew it was just a game though.


He went to a private school and most of his friends were rich and privileged. Some of them knew it and complained about their privilege. Others complained their privilege wasn't enough and the world needed to do a better job for them. Jarron hung out with the ones who didn't care about the privilege either way.


He went to university and paid for some of tuition by working odd jobs. He had a way of making people feel comfortable when they were around him. He had a pleasant face paired with a disarming smile that put people at ease. He had a smart yet casual demeanor that made him fairly popular in college and helped him land odd jobs. He never really needed the money but he knew the jobs were important for him to do.


He started out working at a large global company and was well liked but he felt like he needed to grow faster. He tried another job and then another degree. He couldn't shake the feeling that he needed to be more successful than he was. Many of his friends made more money or had more impressive titles at work. He started an online business which paid for itself but didn't make him any meaningful profits. He started another business but it failed.


He wanted to start another business but he couldn't find the right opportunity. Everything either seemed too risky or not exciting enough. He was glad when the offer from Tomiban to visit came. He felt stuck. He felt like a failure. He had been given so much. A great family. Financial security. A top tier education. Fantastic opportunities. And he converted it into nothing.


He had met Tomiban during a run a few years after he left college. Jarron wasn't particularly athletic but he loved being active. When he played sport he was happy to be competing rather than needing to win and beat his peers. That attitude gave him the stamina to keep trying different activities over the years. He had noticed Tomiban's calm almost smiling face as he ran and it left a strong impression on him. There was a sense of peace and serenity in the old man that Jarron was drawn to. Maybe one day he could smile like that and run.


_________________________




Ishbi + Jarron






They sat on the beach together most evenings. Taking in the vast horizon and the dancing shoreline at the same time. Jaron's ears slowly tuned into rhythmic rumble of the waves and felt comforted by it. Ishbi could feel the wind sting her face as it rushed past. Her clothes gripping her skin tight as they stiffened backwards with the wind making every cell in her body alert and present to its incredible strength. She took deeper breaths as her body started to slow down.


I would buy her these small sachets of alcohol. I hid them from my mother. She would drink the sachets everyday. Even when her ankle was broken and she was on crutches. She fell a couple of times from the crutches because she was too drunk to walk. It infuriated my mother. My father too but he was used to it. I don't blame my mother. My father had to leave home for three months to look after my grandmother when she broke it and it was tough on my mom. The ankle didn't break while she was drunk. Drunk bus driver slammed the brakes and made her twist it. I think she drank because she couldn't go anywhere. I was eight when it happened and it made me feel grown-up to keep a secret with my grandmother. My mother would tell me - Ishbi you're too young to understand but those packets are very bad for her. I felt my mother was too old to understand that some bad things weren't all that bad. It made me happy that I could get her something to make her happy.


Why did you want her to be happy so much?


What's the point Jarron? We live, we die. There's an in-between which passes in the blink of an eye. Some people have been great but were any of them truly indispensable. Pythagorus and geometry, Newton and gravity, Curie and radiation. Would these things never have been discovered without the geniuses that found them. They were the first but the odds are virtually certain that another human through history would have landed on the same discoveries. To be a king or a politician. A movie star or an athlete. A somebody. It comes with territory of leaving a legacy. Of being remembered. To have moved the needle of the human spirit when you were there. It's important no doubt. But is that the point? When only the tiniest percentage of humans that ever existed even have the chance to make that difference it surely can't be the purpose. I think purpose comes in the smallest moments of joy.


In small sachets of joy you mean.


Ishbi giggled. Yes! Sachets of joy. That's what they were and I loved giving them to her.


No one ever questioned the eight year old girl buying alcohol?


In the village? No Jarron, no one did. They knew who I was buying it for.


Must have been nice growing up in a place where you were not judged.


We were judged. Just on different things. In my village, our beliefs were more strongly monitored than our actions.


Did you ever had to hide something you believed in?


Hide them? No never. When you're younger your beliefs are all discoveries. You want to tell them to everyone you know. Opinions on sex, college, politics, art, relationships. It's critical to have these opinions and even more important to defend them.


Jarron smiled his easy smile. Sounds familiar. I had so many when I was in college. And then over the years it changes.


In what way?


Ishbi leaned forward intently as she asked him the question. She wanted to know how Jarron saw the world.


Old people guard their opinions like they are secrets. To be shared in an atomosphere of agreement not argument. The number of secrets slowly dwindle over the years. Time ruthlessly weeds out the frivolous ones you used to trick yourself into believing you were a different type of person. A more moral, ethical and intellectual person than you actually were. It leaves the opinions you truly care about. The ones that have withstood the test of time and now are indistinct from your own personality. Even a conversation about them is too personal. As you age, its much easier to avoid a skeptical person than to defend your opinions to them.


Ishbi leaned back into her hammock set amongst the coconut trees. Her eyes closed as she felt the sea breeze rush past her. She saw the trees gently sway back and forth with the wind. She could taste the saltiness on her lips sprayed from the waves that crashed in front of her. After a long long time, she felt relaxed.


__________________


Tomiban


Mesagua was an ordinary place. That was what attracted Tomiban to it. It was located in a narrow strip framed by the sea on one side and hills on the other. A four lane highway cleaved through the small village splintering the people who lived on either side of it. In another time it could have been a beautiful place to live, but now it was merely obstacle for most people who encountered it. A place to get past so you could go where you wanted. Tomiban decided it was the perfect spot to stay.


The old man quickly made friends. His light hearted, quirky and curious ways posed no threat to anyone. The villagers were pleased to have a distraction and Tomiban was elated to provide it. He embraced it with his traditional verve and winning their trust the process. Soon he was helping the fruit farmers from monkey attacks, organising races for kids, sourcing better bait for the fishermen, installing sound boards to keep out the highway noise and cleaning up the garbage dump. The locals in return took turns hosting him in their home and taking care of his meals. Eventually, they built him a small wooden house on one of the hillocks so he could take in the views he always admired. The land was part of the forest and Tomiban's vibrancy was matched by the exuberance of life that surrounded him. Tomiban delighted in watching his neighbours. The armies of ants, the nervous chameleons and the hardworking spiders going about their days provided him all the entertainment he needed during his few moments alone.


People around Tomiban wanted to make sense of him. They would ask him the usual questions to try and understand him. What did he do for a living? Where did he live? Where did he grow up? What did his parents do? Tomiban would always cheerfully smile and ask them a question in return. Most people wanted to impress him and would take the opportunity to talk, forgetting about trying to decode Tomiban. Not that Tomiban had anything to hide. They were simply asking the wrong questions so he did not feel compelled to answer.


________________________




Tomiban + Ishbi + Jarron




Tomiban chose to meet by the highway tonight. It made them feel uncomfortable to look at it, hearing the cars as they sped by, squinting their eyes from the piercing headlights. It was a scar that cut through their town and both Jarron and Ishbi couldn't wait to leave back to either the beach or the hills.


I hear there is a man who has feelings for you Ishbi.


I hear that man would rather keep his feelings to himself Tomiban.


I hear that man is rather attractive. Jarron smiled sheepishly. I forgot there are no secrets in a village. I have been meaning to tell you Ishbi but it just never felt important enough. Everything else we do here makes my needs feel so small.


Tomiban. Is that why you called us here? To be less aware of ourselves. Ishbi glared at Tomiban the way she always looked at someone when she needed a good answer.


The opposite. I called you here so you could separate yourselves from your lives for a brief moment. To know that there are more sides to yourself that are waiting to be revealed.


Jarron interjected. It's easy for you to say Tomiban. You live a life that no one else can or does. Some of us have to deal with the reality of life. We need money, work, comfort, and security. There is no luxury of self exploration for most people in this world.


Oh yes. I forget. I am sorry. You are trapped. Helpless. There are no solutions to your predicament because yours is so perfectly unique. No one could do better in your circumstances. Tomiban's sarcasm cut through the roar of the cars.


It was now Ishbi's turn to be annoyed. What do you know about being trapped? Being helpless? You live this amazing, charmed life where people take you in wherever you go. You are lucky to have the wisdom and outlook on life that you do. Not all of us have the same fortune. We have to deal with fear. With regret. With pain. What do you know about pain!


A smile crept across Tomiban's face. Someone had finally asked the right question.


I have been fortunate enough to be well acquainted with it. My fathers death taught me about the fragility of life. I learnt that life must be celebrated every day. If I had a desire, I was obligated to pursue it. Tomorrow was too shaky a concept to rely on for my happiness. My mother abandoned me for another family and left me homeless, however today I know I can find a home whenever I need one. I now live with people as a choice because it fulfills me. The idea of being alone on my own property seems like a prison now. My wife's choice to leave me made me miserable for a short while but allowed me to fill my years with much more joy than I would being in a bad relationship.


They sat taking in the highway and the whirl of flashing lights, mechanical sounds and dusty grime that spewed from it. A bus stopped in front of them. The same bus all three of them had reached the town in.


Ishbi finally understood Tomiban. I helped my grandmother even though she was the reason my father was not around. I learnt that distributing those sachets of joy is what gives me the most happiness. I used my pain to help people.


Ishbi turned to Jarron. And you, the pressure of privilege you feel has given you a unique humility. You never think about yourself. Living in this village, away from your friends, your family, your money, your business, you can still be open enough to fall in love.


That's it beamed Tomiban. You are who you are because of your pain as much as your desire. They are two sides of the same coin. You can never be at peace unless you accept this. The dog who was balanced between life and death was stuck when she only looked at her desires. The scales tipped when she was able to confront her pain as well.


Jarron and Ishbi did not need to respond. They understood. Together they sat in silence looking at the highway till it slowly blended into the town. No longer noticeable or apart from Mesagua.


Ishbi finally turned to look at Jarron. She was not sure when it happened but his arm was around her and her head was on his shoulder. She took his hand in hers and gently held it.


Tomiban's eyes danced a small dance. It was time to send them home.