Red, Yellow and Gold

I haven't given a fuck for anything for a long time. An endless loop of surviving, consuming, drowning and falling apart.

As everything fell away there you stand. A force of energy, a source of something i have never experienced. A fire that sustains rather than destroys. Playing with fire is always dangerous but you alone make me feel safe and warm.

I bask in your presence as you match my energy, the white noise to my screaming. You fill in the gaps and I dont know why.

Even the thought of you brings a moment of respite I pull from so desperately but so timidly. I am merely am ember with nothing left to give. I am in the process of transformation.

You embraced me at my most chaotic, my most fragile, my most vulnerable. You drew a part of me towards the light and it fills me with fear and dread. But you are the hope I cling on to. I do not know how to let you in. I do not know how to love without swallowing you whole.

You are my perfect drug. I am too scared to trust this might be real. If I believe it and I am wrong.... I just can't bear the thought.

You are not the answer to my problems. But you are the key to unlocking a language I was never taught.

You are red, yellow and gold. You are connected, I see your roots deep to the earth, your culture, your history and your God. I see the infinite energy that sustains and protects you and I want to taste it all.
You might not be the ending, but you are the first chapter in my new story. I am feeling for the first time and it both thrills and terrifies me. If I can survive this part, I will be amazing.

I am amazing. I stand before you not basking in the light, but fuelled by darkness and pain. I am an endless sea of tears and suffering. I am so many horror stories pieced together. I terrify everyone no matter how hard I try to make myself small. I have survived time and time again but this time is different.

What died a death in June gave birth to me as I am today.

You are the first person to like me in a long long long fucking time. Part of me doesn't care if it's true. Just hearing those words saved my life. I finally let go and in that pit of absolute desperation I turned to you. There was no one else in the world. It's a terrifying fact that out of the thousands of people I have spoke to the only one I could ask for help was you. I need to keep telling myself that this pressure is not on you, this is my shit and my problem to solve. I just enjoy you and I dont know how to do that without feeling guilty.

I didn't mean to care what you thought about me. I thought I could have my wee fantasy it would be okay. I don't know how to navigate this and I am too wounded to survive getting hurt. Are you just fucking with me? Is this the game where I dont think it's a game? How can I trust you when I don't know what I am doing. Everyone that has ever gotten close has rejected or abandoned me, most of the time both.

You are the first time iv ever felt like i have v crossed the veil. You make me feel seen in a way iv never been seen before. You make me feel real. And it's not that i need you to exist it's that you care I exist. That you let me take without asking for anything back. I don't understand this. When I touch you I feel connected to something so much bigger than ourselves.
Nothing lasts forever but I am fascinated by you. I hold your face in my hands and drink you up, without sucking you dry. I can channel something through you I don't have the words for. And you give so freely. I think the lesson is I need to trust. I can play with the fire and I can drink from the sea. You have shown me a path back to light and out of the darkness.

You will not save me. I will save myself, but someone to hold my hand through the shit and the grief would be lovely. Someone to care and hold me. A cycle is ending, or maybe its already broken but I will never go back to who I used to be. I am forever changed by this past year and among all the chaos there is you, standing solid. You know who you are and who you want to be. You and your colourful shoes. Your voice soothes me and I could listen to you talk forever. I adore your face and body but i am entranced by your soul and the heart that beats in your chest. You are everything i wanted when i thought of a masculine presence. So calm and solid, so strong but steady. That is why you are beautiful to me. But you like me too. I do no feel worthy. I don't know what I did to deserve it or how to accept it as something real and not a narrative in my head.

My story does not end with me fading away. I haven't made it out the darkness yet into the light. But you are the surface. You are the point where I step into myself. You are the constant that will witness my transformation. It is the only gift I can offer, I offer you as I am and offer you who I am becoming. Not because I am not enough, but because I am in the process of transformation. It began years before i met you but you meet me the end. The end of a long and bloody battle where no part of me has not been decimated by fear. I am forever changed since you walked into my life and I know you feel the same. I am forever changed by the gestures of softness you have shown me.