I'm not afraid to work.

Where along the line do people develop self-worth?
I'm told it's instilled in us as small children.

What the fuck? What's so special about you?
8 Billion people in the world, and we're all beautiful and unique?
That's a hard pill for me to swallow, I'm sorry.
I'm a proponent for faith in oneself as long as that self isn't myself.
Fucking terrible, innit? That explains a lot for me at this juncture.

I'm supposed to practice telling myself "I'm a good person".
Feels like bullshit, I'm not gonna lie. But, I'll keep doing it, every day.
One day last week I was in the shower practicing my mantra and it became surprisingly painful.
I think it's supposed to; if it's working, Haven't felt anything since.

I'm also supposed to be making decisions that directly benefit myself and stick to them,
This one, I'm having a little more trouble with.
I notice now, I put literally everyone ahead of myself.
People I don't even know. God forbid I don't get some strangers approval because I didn't let 2 cars merge ahead of me.
I would feel bad if I didn't do my apprentices work for him so he could leave early to be with his wife.
If I take a can of soup off the shelf, I have to bring the next can forward because I don't want to make anyone's life/job harder.
I always pick up everyone's trash that the garbage men scatter all over the road and put it in my can and take it back to my house
Nice guy, or doormat? I bet I know. Those are just a few examples.
Can I have some space? Dunno.
Family and friends get upset because I disappear for months/years.
But, I get tired of doing everyone favors. Asked for, or not.
Can't be the hero all the time. And you know what?
Maybe I don't want to be. I get run down.
All it does, is get me aggravated.
Because, I did something for you, that you didn't ask for and now I'm expecting something in return.
How fucked up is that?
I don't know what that's about. I'll have to ask next session.
Probably the Old Man.

Psychotherapy is a head trip, man.
I definitely got some things I need to work through.

I'm beginning my inner child work/shadow work next week with a qualified professional.
I'm also doing some EMDR therapy as well.

I'm scared to die alone.
I'm scared nobody likes me.
I'm scared I won't be good enough if they get to know me.
I'm scared I won't be able to afford all of this treatment.
I'm scared that it won't work and that I'll never accept myself.
I'm scared I'll keep dumping my bullshit on every potential partner I meet.
I'm scared I'll keep running from friends and family.


I'm scared, yeah. But I'm not afraid to work.

So, work is what I'll do.
For now.