Four days

Of course you left the way you did
I never imagined you old
After you left I sat with myself
Started pulling on the threads, red
My inner sight opened so wide,
I started seeing all the signs
Of course, of course

Of course you left the way you did
I dreamt of it you know, your funeral
In that dream the words I'd say about you were beyond my grasp
How could I ever express
And I still can't
And you couldn't either, to me


Of course you left the way you did
It came to me in flash-thoughts
You, dead, by your own hand
I should've known
I knew


Of course you left the way you did
You wouldn't have it any other way
One last huzzah, one last act
Of spite
For life
And for all you've faced
Of course, of course

Of course you left the way you did
Never have I read such bitter words as the ones you wrote, not to me
I was left out, didn't get any
When I read those lines I feel all of you
I see you, I see where you are right there, typing away, I know exactly
that sour, bitter, spiteful space


Of course you left the way you did
I lived with you for years, I lived in you, through you
You taught me all I now know of darkness
You showed me empathy
I felt for you so deeply, from the very beginning


Of course you left the way you did
As is your right
As anyone carrying your cross, your story, might
Your wounds and losses, hurts
Holes


Of course you left the way you did
No memorial, no funeral, instructing us that you
Wanted to return as nothing, to nowhere
And I still to this day cannot fathom why we,
The living, chose to honour that dreadful last wish of yours


And I loved you so much
And when I meet the odd friend of yours
We don't have words
We didn't get to process you in unison
So we just look into each others eyes
Wordless,
saying all
Staying with that for as long as we can handle
For your passing was so fucking tragic
Oh I understand, I get it, I feel you, I know you
And as deeply and wholly as I love you
beloved,
you make me so angry, too
Of course
Of course this was to be the nature of your end