Afternoon Thoughts

I still want to give up.

Acknowledging this leaves me with so much guilt, as I have everything to loose and nothing to gain by leaving this place; my life is good, I shouldn't crave the unknown so badly. And that's what it is, really, the unknown and more importantly the unknowable. And what it might be can't compare to what is, now, in this moment.

Before I had reasons, insensible ones wrought of teenage angst, or so I thought, but solid all the same. I was lonely, desperately lonely with so much pent up anxiety that it could make a grown man sick to his stomach at just a taste, and no hope for the future. My only solace was books, television, and the occasional video game, anything fantasy really, anything that could take me away from this dark well of sadness I felt entrapped by. And there, that's why the idea of death was always so appealing. I didn't want to die forever, and still now I'm not sure I really do, I just wanted to go away for a bit.

But things got better, as everyone always told me they would. I started a job, and, for the first time in my lonely existence, made real friends, and pocket change to boot. I got a car, a gift from my dad, and suddenly I was out, every day, with them. Hanging out at the mall, going out to eat or to see a movie, walking around random stores and sitting in parking lots playing card games and chilling at their houses with their annoying younger siblings and their cute pets. It was all I ever dreamed of, and to make matters even better, my parents put me on medicine, and the anxiety dissipated. My illness is managable, my social life fulfilled, and as college acceptance letters start rolling in, my future's looking brighter than ever.

But I still want to give up. You might say "No, you've come so far! After all this time, after all those dreadful nights laying awake, all those afternoons spent crying silently alone in your room, don't give it all up now, when things are looking their best!" You might say that, or I might, to myself, every hour of every day that I spend not at school or work or with my friends. I can't make myself happy. They make me happy, sure, but its becoming not enough, and I hate myself for it.

I don't feel like eating. Everything tastes bland and flavorless. I don't feel like playing video games, which had become a huge passion of mine for a while. I haven't touched a book in months. My anime watchlist peers at me with disdain every time I open my laptop. Walks take too much energy, and studying a language or programming, what's the point? I know what the point is, of course, but not in a way that gives a satisfactory answer to that question. It's December, nearing Christmas, and yet when my dad calls me down to watch movies I tell him that I don't feel like it right now. It's not a lie to get out of hanging out with my dad, I'd love to spend time with my parents, they've given me everything, and yet, it's so exhausting.

As far as the more important stuff goes, the stuff society looks at you and judges you based on, those things have started to fall off the wayside as well. Empty water bottles and dirty plates are strewn about my room, outlining the piles of clothes and stuffed animals scattered here and there. My bed isn't made, my assignments aren't done, my hair hasn't been washed properly in a good week now. I clock into work late and go home early, my passion to be the best at my job, even if it is just minimum wage in the fast food industry, has been torn to shreds so small its basically nonexistent.

So here I am, the first semi-productive thing I've done all week. Laying in my messy bed, comfort music that's been on my playlist since middle school blaring through my speakers, my eyes heavy after a long day of doing nothing but sleep in class and sleep in my bed, pondering what's become of me. I know one thing though, after writing this. I need help, but I'm not ready to give up, and will probably never be. I yearn for substance, for purpose, for understanding, and death might be void of all of those things, so choosing it would be quite counterproductive, and you never want that.