"Dr. Seuss" Movies, Part Two

Part Two

There's Nothing Wrong with Shitty Movies

Don't misunderstand, I love certain popcorn movies. Movies that are meant to be exactly what they are and nothing more, movies that aren't trying to Say Something. And that's, more or less, what the four Seuss movies are...or would be if they had made them exactly how they did but removed Seuss' name and character likenesses.

It's somewhat similar to Roland Emmerich's Godzilla (1998). If you watch it as a giant-monster-tearing-up-shit movie, then it's fine. Nothing special but it's not trying to be either. But take that same movie and slap some famous franchise's name on it and Blammo; you've now misinformed those unfamiliar with the subject matter, changing how people are going to view the film and the franchise itself.

Existing fans might notice that for a movie titled Godzilla, there doesn't seem to be any Godzilla in it. Sure, there's that creature, who's over 60 meters tall that destroys buildings and can repeatedly disappear in NYC (wait...what?), but eventually the army kills him with missiles. FUCKING MISSILES!!

This is not a nitpick at all, half the point of the King of Monsters versus Us is we have nothing that can stop him! It's not a small detail! It takes an already weak representation of a beloved character or mythos and just kicks you in the dick. It's a dick-kick! The point is, if you're going to change shit, make sure it still works!

Altering the look of Godzilla is not a bad idea and that's been done a few times since 1954. But making him barely recognizable as Godzilla doesn't make any sense. Altering Ichabod Crane's character from being a school teacher to a police detective helps move the story in Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow. But having the Headless Horseman cross a bridge over moving water shows the audience that the filmmakers may not actually care about the original story or the rules of that world.

If you want to make a no-brained, fun movie, by all means do it. There's nothing wrong with that. I, along with many people, enjoy some of those. Though it may not be the next Toy Story, every movie doesn't need to be a classic. But when you take someone's work and don't attempt to make it jive with the original intention...that's kind of okay too, actually. Sad it wasn't closer to the original, though this happens all the time.

But if you're going to take a work of pure art by someone who was loved across the world by so many, generation after generation, and subject that to what uninformed, non-thinking focus groups say and not only misrepresent what the original material was but also completely change the focus and the message, then FUCK YOU!! Dr. Seuss shared with us his own vision of the world, it was extremely unique and his stories, as mentioned, usually had an underlying moral. Admittedly, the film looks great, but that's where the Seuss-ness stops.

The only 'vision' the filmmakers had here was, clearly, box-office returns. And when you make a film that is produced only according to what's popular then you're not trying to make it unique but merely profitable. It reminds me of what I heard once (I can't remember who said it), if you're an artist whose songs or movies or whatever are getting downloaded for free illegally and you put up a fuss over lost revenue, then you're no longer a Real Artist. It supposed to be about sharing your vision or interpretation of the world with people. Sharing with, not selling to.

This is where the idea of studio-funded film-making can be fucking ridiculous. Trying to take someone's personal work and shove that into the machine of corporate douche-baggery, those that are concerned only with product and sales. Just watch Tales from the Script, you won't believe how nasty that process is.

These movies, especially the Seuss movies, make me picture a theater full of people and an announcer introducing the film they're about to see. The audience getting riled up for the movie:

"This sounds like something made just for me!",

They think to themselves, happy as can be.

They buy their candy and soda, their nachos with cheese.

Then, the curtain goes up! Now, hush, if you please.

But instead of a screen with a film projected on it,

They see a brown-starred anus, what is this vomit?

It's the size of the screen, nothing else to be seen!

"What's this shit spewing out all over me?"

Well, that shit's called 'Shit', it's all over this group.

A smell so foul, hard to believe it's just poop!

The weird thing is, at the point this all starts,

The crowd goes crazy and demands more of this 'art'!

"We need more of this! Whos should kiss dog-ass in the Grinch!

We want anime' in Horton! We don't care that it stinks!!"

And those sad little people, wallets held open with glee,

Were the very same people who killed the last Truffula Tree.

But What About The Grinch?!

But what about the Grinch?! The Grinch hates Christmas, the Whos love it. Only here they love every materialistic craptastic aspect of it. The trimmings the trappings, the ribbons, the wrappings. And when the Grinch takes it away, do they come together to focus on what they have left; each other?

Of cours-no, wait...Oh, that's right, they almost lose their fucking minds! I think before Cindy Lou intervened it was one step away from becoming a lynch mob! Well, this movie seems to have captured the heart and essence of the Whos who we so dearly love, let's proceed.

To begin, let's go over why the Grinch hates Christmas in the original book/animation special. Were his shoes too tight, was his head not screwed on quite right? Neither work reveals why. So, maybe the movie will take this lead and just have the Grinch being the Grinch withou- No? No, you're going to have a flashback explaining everything that we don't really need to have explained? Good. Good job, movie.

Why don't you just stick a 20 minute scene at the beginning of the movie, with the Grinch having an unhappy childhood, a redneck abusive step-father, a slutty older sister and a stripper mother... Wait, what remake am I thinking of with needless detail added?

So, the Grinch gets made fun of as a kid by the Whos, and it happened to be Christmas or close to it. And there we have it, our logical motivation for his hatred...-hold on. He hates Christmas because the Whos made fun of him? How does this have anything to do with the holiday? Why doesn't he hate the Whos directly and all year long? No, those horribly mean and shallow Whos are fine 11 months out of the year, of course! But should they attempt a holiday celebration, that's going too far!

Okay, the Grinch hates Christmas...ish, and the Whos have no clues as to what makes Christmas Christmas. So, AT LEAST WE HAVE LITTLE CINDY LOU WHO, WHO WAS CLEARLY OLDER THAN TWO, TO SHOW THE WAY.

And that's it! That's the only fucking character for us to side or identify with, or relate to! That little hair lipped annoying pile of blonde. I mean, I don't hate her performance but since she is the only character that knows what Christmas is about and the movie follows mostly her, I can't help but resent her.

How the hell did she come to this revelation if NO OTHER WHO agrees with that viewpoint? I'm sure some sort of over-used clichcould explain it. Is she...'ahead of her time'? Okay, whatever, that works, moving on.

That song, 'Where Are You Christmas?', Christ on a Cracker! I can't stand that saccharine pile of...that song. I don't even remember the lyrics, all I could hear was "oh, I'm alooone in my beliefs, nobody understands meeeee and I'm saaad but hopefulll". Ugh, her stupid little face..(*shaking with anger*) when she sings it, I do hate her. To be fair, she's not a bad actress, for a kid especially, but if you put too much on a single young actors shoulders in one production, it shows.

What is some song that could very well be on any current pop-Christmas album doing in a Seuss movie anyway? The Grinch's song was written by Seuss, and Carrey did very well singing it. I just, can't....I don't know why that other song was there...my brain hurts. I think I've overloaded my head with too much Seussian-poo.

If you're not going to try or even pretend to understand the tone of the original THEN DON'T MAKE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!! POP SONGS DON'T BELONG IN SEUSS MOVIES!!!

...Unless it's The Lorax, The Cat in the Hat, Horton Hears a Who, or The Grinch, apparently.

Back to Cindy Lou, it just felt like we could have used more than only her to cheer for. Sure, we love the Grinch and we want him to steal Christmas but that's because in doing this he would make apparent the level of love that all the Whos have for Christmas, and everything that Christmas encompasses, and he can then have his epiphany!

And, though this is a nitpick, I hate how they had Whoville exist on a snowflake a' la Horton when he heard a Who. It feels really forced. The imagery reflecting the opening of the animated special is nice and looks great, but come on. We didn't need some random explanation as to where Whoville exists, even if it is similar to Horton. It was just unnecessary.

Wait, doesn't the Grinch see Santa visiting Whoville just before he takes off in his rocket sled to steal the holiday? So, in addition to all the children of the world, there are also an unclear amount of microscopic worlds that Santy Claus tends to? HOW FUCKING LONG IS CHRISTMAS EVE??!

The Cat in the Hat: A Rhyming Review

Since this movie makes the other three look 'good', I've never really attempted to discuss it seriously. And having seen the Critic's video, I feel I don't need to because he did it so very well, on a level I could never even attempt.

Mind you, though the Critic does have a rhyming Grinch review, I wrote this before I knew about his wonderful work or existence. Though his Cat Review did influence two newer verses below, I did not rip off any of his lines, jokes or rhymes.

So, there's still work to be done to this rhyme, the ending is still a bit wonky.

I figured, "What could it hurt? I've never seen it",

Watched The Cat in the Hat, that movie sucks penis.

As I sat there in horror thinking it may improve,

It got worse and worse but I couldn't move,

Out of my seat to turn off the TV,

I was petrified by the drek I did see.

How could they do this to our friend the Cat?!

He looks like a nightmare, his jokes are pure crap!

When he winked at the camera and plugged Universal,

My current state-of-mind bordered on homicidal.

That center-fold joke where his cat hat extended?

Yeah, a Seuss movie has dick jokes. Bring the kids! Maybe Grandad!

At least there'll be rhyming about this and about that,

...what? Little-to-no rhymes? BUT THIS IS THE CAT IN THE HAT!!

If I was Seuss when this movie was made,

I would have sat up, climbed out of my grave.

Then kill the director, who must be to blame,

For making this movie so very lame.

Or, perhaps Mike Myers, I just want their blood,

For disgracing a book, I still really love.

Maybe, at least, the lesson will hold true,

Can't quite remember it? Don't worry, I do.

The lesson is simple; STOP THIS SEUSS-SHITTING!

THIS MAN WAS A GENIUS!! THE POINT YOU KEEP MISSING!!!

Seuss isn't about in-jokes and pop culture references,

This movie is so contrived, it's damn-shit-fuck offensive!!

His work continues to inspire, no signs this will cease.

This movie won't last a decade, I'll bet five dollars and a Sneetch.

His books had lessons and wit. His art-style was unique.

Without the name 'Dr. Seuss', this movie is still pretty weak.

So, if you like this movie or thought it was 'OK',

Then, I truly hope you die, in some horrible way.

Because clearly you have no clue as to what makes Seuss Seuss,

Let alone movies good, how can you be such a douche?!

It's due to people like you, those with no clue,

That these movie do well, though they're just piles of poo.

Therefore, of course, they'll keep making more,

Turning Dr. Seuss' stories into money-grubbing whores,

(as clearly, that's what they're meant for).