"Do it for Me"

"Do it for Me." Every time something came up that was hard or painful in my life I heard those four words from my mother. I did the act, or behaved accordingly, sometimes swallowing my pride and not reacting to a hurtful experience or words. I learned to hate those words, I wasn't normal, wasn't allowed to play sports or get in fights, or just be a normal kid. I was wounded, a victim, so many restrictions, and I hated it all.

You're special, you can't play, you'll get hurt again. God I hated them, those words carried negative implications, limitations, it meant I couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't. They did damage, so much damage to me. Self esteem, what is that? I had none at that time. I was constantly picked on, there weren't many days after school that there wasn't a kid wanting to fight me. I was German growing up in a Jewish neighborhood, "Nazi!" that was a word I heard more then once. I didn't even know what it meant. My brothers always made sure it was a fair fight, one on one but the crowd would watch and everyone would be rooting against me, wanting to see me hurt. I hated it, despised them all for it, including myself.

I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to be left alone, no actually I wanted to be valued and appreciated. I was the best salamander catcher at the school. It wasn't enough, nothing I did to try and make friends was ever enough. I learned to assess who I could beat and could tell they knew as well as they would shrink back into the crowd, but still watch, they were always watching. My father would tell me "if you let someone beat you up and you don't fight back, then I will spank you at home." He was not raising a wimp or a punching bag he would tell me. Great, bad enough I get my butt kicked once, now the possibility I will get it at home as well.

"No hitting in the face" was the special rule for me because I had been shot in the eye with an arrow. It was publicly known I could lose my sight if I was hit there. My older brothers were there to make sure it didn't happen. I knew who I could beat, and who I didn't stand a chance against. The older ones, out weighed me by a lot, it didn't matter they wanted to fight me. I knew I couldn't take them, so I did it, I hit them in the face and I made sure it hurt them bad. I fought,clawed,kicked and stomped. Word spread if you fight him and he's losing he will go for your face, your eyes, anything. I just didn't want to hurt, didn't want to fight. It didn't matter, I still had to.

I have never been so happy that a portion of my life was over. I graduated high school. My brother had graduated college and my parents had to help him get set up in a new apartment. They couldn't make my graduation, "you understand right?" I didn't, still don't, why couldn't they split up and have one parent at each? It was an achievement, supposed to be a milestone and a happy one at that. I was just glad it was over. I didn't have to see these people again. I never went back, never will go back.

I found myself in college after reading a very special book. It empowered me, and brought a new sense of self awareness that I had never known. There is no more can't, couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't and "Do it for Me" now means exactly that.

sft...