That Numb Feeling

                   That Numb Feeling          

*rain and thunder sounds, a grey middle aged man stands atop a dimly lit flat roof watching the streets below as sirens wail and people scream*

The rain pours down hard, tapping against my long leather trench-coat, the distant sirens and screams of civilians all blend together as one harmonious noise, I have become far too accustomed to it by now, nothing ever changes, I gaze down into the puddle beneath my feet and catch a reflection of myself as a gunshot echoes and lightning cracks through the sky, what a miserable world.

The rain distorts my image in the pool of murky water below, a sign of changed times, the smell of smoke hits me hard and I look up, there's a video store on fire in the distance, "fucking punks got no respect for anyone these days", I place my hands in my coat pockets and take a deep breath in almost deliberately choking on the thick fumes from the smoke, I hunch over to get my breath back and catch my reflection again and then the sky lights up.

*lightning strike*

It was another nightmare, I take a moment to catch my breath from the shock, I get up from heavy sleep to the sound of a car being torched, this city gets worse every day.

I gaze out of the window and watch as a family get murdered, I stand there and I have a flashback to me and my boyfriend with my cousin walking down the street opposite my house as we get heckled "look guys!, look who it is, fucking unnatural freaks! fucking queers and their 'child'!, get 'em boys!" I see it all happening again, the stabbing of a knife in my cousins chest, the merciless beating of my boyfriend as I'm forced to watch while being pinned down, the screams make it all fade to white as I come back to reality "It's always the same, you think something would have happened by now but when there's no law enforcement left in this hell hole.....it was the bad then and it's gotten worse now, nothing ever changes", I head to the front door to call the only friend I have left and sure enough he comes running, my cat, he's a big mean looking fucker but he's still a cat, at least even the shitty gang that runs this town have a line they don't cross.

I bring him into the main room and I feed him well, 25 pounds of meat should be enough for now, I look down at my hand to notice a engagement ring on my finger, I bring my head up and notice a picture of me and my boyfriend with my cousin, I pick it up and I cradle it and apologise weeping uncontrollably "I'm so sorry my baby, and I'm equally as sorry to you as well Ben, I wanted you to come with hoping it would be fun for us all, I'm sorry, I didn't know", I gather myself and walk towards the door and tell him I won't be gone long, I set my timer on my watch for 6 hours and grab my leather overcoat before heading out in the crimson city streets as fires rage around me, I take in my surroundings with the smell of sweat and rot in the air, corpses stored wherever space is available, its potent.

I head to the general store to pick up some items, used to be such a nice place, I stop and look at the store, everything comes flooding back to me as I stand amongst the shards of broken glass on the floor, I remember, I remember walking down this road when I was younger, I remember children playing in the burnt down park near here, think I'll head there next.

I enter the store and am greeted by the cashier who asks "what do ya want?" before spitting on my shoes, I breathe deeply in and let out a heavy sigh in annoyance, "what I want is some damn respect!" I think to myself, they have the nerve to just barge in and take over from good honest people and double the prices, still should count myself lucky I'm one of the few who still has a job, I don't earn much but If I can't buy myself anything I buy the best meat for Tom, he's been a damn good cat to me over the years, been through lots we have, though this time I saved up and I buy myself a bottle of whiskey.

I head out the store and toward the park as it starts raining, the rain pours down hard, tapping against my long leather trench-coat, the distant sirens and screams of civilians all blend together as one harmonious noise, I have become far too accustomed to it by now, nothing ever changes, I reach a park bench and sit for a while as I hear voices in my head "Sam, come on the swings are free!!", the laughter as clear as a cloudless blue sky in my ears.

A memory replays in my head of me and my friends walking down the park path towards home when suddenly a mid-20's kid jumps out from in front of a tree with a knife and the horror hits me again, I feel that same fear in me as when THAT happened......a tear rolls down my face and I quickly stand up and flip the table over in anger.

The few shady inhabitants of the park stare at me and look me dead in the eyes as I do back at them "you young bastards think you're so fucking tough?!, HUH?!?!" i excalim in my aging and gruff but slightly weak voice, the rush of adrenaline leaves my body and I realise my mistake, they all get up and walk towards me and I brace for impact, "do I still have it?" I think to myself, I take my leather overcoat off and place my glasses and newly brought whiskey down on the floor and expect to hear an impact.....nothing.....not a thing, they all just stand there, and then.... *metal thud*.

I get hit hard from behind by a lead pipe, should of known really, I collapse to the floor as my hand grasps the back of my badly bleeding head leaving my ribs exposed for a good kicking, they take the opportunity, with every blow I groan in pain while trying to protect myself but it's no good, my bones aren't as strong as they were and I blackout from the pain.

Thanks to distant sirens I eventually wake up in a puddle of blood but luckily it looks worse than it is, just a few bruised ribs and a gash on my head, I get my surroundings and notice my whiskey bottle empty, my glasses crushed and my coat smells of urine, those horrible scummy fuckers, I pick myself up off the ground barely and stagger towards my belongings before scooping them up in my withered and weak arms and staggering off towards home.

As I get near the store I entered earlier I pat my pockets for any money hoping to buy another bottle or something for me or tom, I find nothing loose so I check my wallet to find it had been stolen by the scum that beat me earlier, some people have no respect, I continue home in disappointment, waste of my hard earned money, as I reach my home I hear talking a nearby alley "yeah we got his wallet and pissed on his coat too, stupid old man thought he could take us well we showed him" I hear a voice say while others laugh, I take a deep breath, drop my things and stagger round the graffiti covered alley "I think that's actually mine boys" I say with an angry tone while holding myself up against the fence, it isn't my wallet.

I take a deep sigh of regret and brace for another kicking, my head bounces off the fence boards cutting my face open badly, they kick my shins so I drop to the floor and they stamp my face into the ground and leave me there to die but I don't, I crawl away a bloodied and broken mess and manage to unlock my door and enter my home before I pass out again.

I awake to tom stood over me licking my wounds as I lay in the middle of the main room floor, a blood trail goes from me to the door and out so I realise I'll have to clean that so I pull myself up and get scrubbing the stains away from the floor, tom looks at me saddened by my state but I tell him everything Is ok as I pet him, he's a good cat.

I decide that's enough for one day and I lay down on the couch with tom led on me like a protector, I wake up the next late afternoon to a cold breeze, the surprise wakes me up quick and I realise I fell asleep with one of the windows open, that's a mistake, and no tom to be found either, I get up off the couch and immediately sit back down from pain, wounds haven't even healed slightly and I'm dragging myself up but I need to be sure tom is ok.

I call for him but here nothing, then suddenly a scratch at my door, I open it and get jumped by those kids that attacked me in the alley, they know where I live, that's not good, they found me by the trail of blood I forgot to remove outside from the alley to my home, big mistake, my ears go deaf and I go almost completely numb but can still feel the impact of their fists and feet against my bones, my ribs feel like they are about to cave in but they don't.

One of them holds my arms back so I can't cover up and I just take it, it hurts me a lot, the cuts sting, my vision goes hazy and then it stops, the one guy grabs me and says "don't ever try that again" before pushing my head back into the floor, I remember his face as they leave, soon after tom comes running in and rushes over to me and rapidly licks my cuts to heal them, I love that little guy.

After a few hours I decide to take tom outside with me to get some more food for when we run out, and then from behind I hear a gunshot, I stop in my tracks as both I and tom turn round in surprise, his eyes all black and his body arched in an attempt to intimidate, poor guy doesn't get it, two guys walk over towards us as the gun wielding one pipes up mocking me "oh put your monster on a leash before he hurts us".

I see his face, he looks familiar to me, at that moment one other guy kicks tom in the side hard and tom retaliates by diving at and clawing the guys face badly blinding him permanently by clawing the eyes, he's a nasty cat when he needs to be, as the guy rolls around on the floor in pain clutching his blood soaked face the other guy cocks his gun again ready to shoot but I land a blow as hard as I can against him and he stumbles and tom leaps at him scratching his face deeply leaving permanent scars, the guy throws tom off hard against a wall but tom runs at him again and the guy kicks him in the face hard sending him sliding along the floor.

I run at the guy, now with his gun pointed at tom and scream, he sees me coming and just steps back while extending his foot out so I go flying on my face before rolling into some garbage bags and then I hear a gunshot and my body goes numb, I look down and see a bullet hole in my stomach, I try and cover it with my hands to stop the bleeding, the guy walks over to me with blood running down his face, spits on me and says "now watch what happens to heroes", he loads his gun and I scream out but it's too late, he shoots Tom dead, once would have been enough but he keeps going twice, three, four, five, six, seven times before screaming and stamping his head into the ground repeatedly.

"NOO!!!!!!!" I roar in pain and anger before pulling myself up, I recognise that voice and my mind flashes back to the park incident again "What ya got ya fucking cunts? Don't laugh I'll be somebody someday just watch!" the kid says as he flicks open his knife after which we quickly handed over our goods to him, I snap out of my thoughts and I remember him now, he was the one all those years ago, my mind goes back to the park again "nah sorry, you two guys are short on goods" he stabs my two friends in the chest puncturing their lungs and killing them on the spot before leaving me, my mind snaps back and suddenly realises, he's here now, he's just killed my best friend I had, he's right in front of me laughing and screaming at me.

I feel a sudden rush of adrenaline and tackle the guy to the ground cutting my frail knees open but I don't care, I pummel him with every single bit of power I have, I strike him a good four times in his face, his nose explodes with blood shooting all over me but that's not enough, he grabs my arms and wrestles me off, I'm not as nimble or as strong as I was back in my younger days, my head smashes into the floor as I go blurry from the force, he gets up onto his feet and kicks Toms carcass towards me and I just lay there cradling it crying as the rain comes down, the rain pours down hard, tapping against my long leather trench-coat, the distant sirens and screams of civilians all blend together as one harmonious noise, I have become far too accustomed to it by now, nothing ever changes, what a miserable world.

I pick toms body up and bring it inside and lay it on the couch where we slept for so many years, "I'm sorry Tom", as I kneel by his lifeless body I feel a sudden anger fill me and I run up in to the attic, I haven't felt like this in a long time "make me lose more in life than I lost already?! I'll show 'em all!!", I shout in rage, I grab a handful of my old clothes and push them down the attic ladder, the adrenaline wears off again and as I descend the ladder I misplace my footing and fall down the remaining steps, I hobble into my room and struggle to try on my old clothes and they all look too big and baggy on me now.

I look in the mirror and see myself in my old ripped and damaged clothes "I'm too old to be doing this and I look so scrawny in these, they bring out the bones in my arms" I say, and then my reflection changes, I struggle recognise him due to my vision, I find my spare reading glasses in my bedroom drawer and look more closely, it's me in my youth.

I'm surprised by it but I welcome it, it makes me feel funny, my youthful reflection suits these blood soaked clothes far better than I do, just then the sky gets lit up by a thunderstorm and my mirror shows a quick reflection of Tom before showing my current aged self, a voice in my head whispers "you know you still have it in you deep down, you just found it again, go get 'em!".

I don't say a word, I look deep into my reflected eyes and they get a little darker than normal, I nod and grab firmly under my bed and try and try with all my might to lift it but I'm too weak and I hear my arm click and my wounds reopen from pushing myself too hard, I scream in pain "AGGHHHH!!!!", but that scream helps me, it helps me lift the bed off the ground and I scream louder struggling ever so much but I start lifting it repeatedly slightly higher and higher, I feel that sensation again, the fire burning inside, the flame that has been out for so long is alive again, I like it.

After a while of lifting the bed I feel my arms all tense and ever so slightly bulgy, that's a good feeling, I climb back up in the attic to find my old punch bag but no gloves, I push it down the ladder and struggle to set it up but eventually I do, I lay punches into it for a few hours cutting my knuckles in the process, I liked using no gloves back then, toughened your hands up, feels good but a bit strange cause it's been so long, I'm very rusty so I don't get much diversity in, just the basics but whatever works that's all that matters.

After exhausting myself I lay down on the floor next to toms body on the couch, I love him too much to get rid of him, plus I can't have him stuffed or preserved so I leave him there as a reminder, my body aching and my heart racing in a good way, feels good to be alive again, as I drift to sleep I'm haunted by visions of the past, horrible visions, taunting me, making me remember where I fucked up, hurting me but also igniting that flame in me.

I wake up suddenly the next morning and practice my punches and lifts of the bed, by afternoon I find myself doing a few push ups and pushing through the extreme pain of sit-ups, the pain is still there, realistically I am still old no matter how young I see myself in these moments, after a tiring session I take one final look in the mirror and lift my shirt up to find an ever so slight muscle gain and I grin from ear to ear, I lower my shirt and I head out for a few hours to see if I can get the drop on any scum roaming around, I eventually give up and head back, I see smoke and I get a bad feeling.

I rush home to find my house in blazes and flames with thick black smoke funnelling out through the window frames "MY LIFE!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!those fucking......FUCKING MONSTERS!!!" I scream as I get covered in rain, the rain pours down hard, tapping against my long leather trench-coat, the distant sirens and screams of civilians all blend together as one harmonious noise, I have become far too accustomed to it by now, nothing ever changes, I gaze down into the puddle beneath my feet and catch a reflection of myself as a gunshot echoes and lightning cracks through the sky, what a miserable world.

I feel a sudden anger take over my body and I'm young again, I hear city scum chatting in the distance so I creep up on them, three in total, my first test after a long time, I find a brick and crack it hard over one of their heads as the other two turn round in shock, a hard kick to the balls disables one of the gang members permanently as I hear something pop when I kick him in them, good, he deserves it, I trip the other guy up and stumble on top of him and pound his face with my slow heavy sledgehammer like fist "where is he?!?!, ANSWER ME!!!", I land another 2 good hard and heavy blows on his face and I hear something crack, I start getting tired due to going too fast but he responds albeit very scared "who?".

I roar up back "THE PERSON WHO KILLED MY FRIENDS!!, THE PERSON WHO IS NOW AS OF THIS MOMENT RESPONSIBLE FOR KILLING MY FUCKING FAMILY AND MY BOYFREIND!!!!, THE PERSON WHO KILLED MY FUCKING CAT AND MADE ME WATCH!!!!, AND AS OF A FEW MINTUES AGO THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR TORCHING MY FUCKING HOME!!!!!!", he quickly responds with "TOMMY'S THE ONE YOU WANT!!!".

I shout at him "HOW DO I FIND HIM?!", a voice behind me says "you don't have to look hard!", I stagger up and its him, smirking at me, he signals at me to come towards him so I charge at him and he's ready, he swings and catches me in the face dropping me down to the floor my face scrapes the rough ground and he puts one foot on my arm and kicks me harder than the rest of the guys in my ribs, I catch a glimpse of his footwear as I fold my head under my arm for little protection protect, steel toed boots, figured, I think to myself "take it Sammy, just take it, he'll try something else just keep fucking breathing out when his kicks land as it softens the impact", still hurts no matter what I do, he scoops me up off the floor and I spit in his eyes and knee him in the balls hard, he staggers back and I straight punch but he moves to the side grabs my arm and breaks it over his knee, the bone snaps like a twig and pierces through the flesh of my arm and I don't feel anything again, I collapse to the floor hard, I feel broken, decaying, weak, old, I cry and scream in unbearable pain as he reaches in his trousers and pulls out the same pistol he used to kill tom with.

"mmm still smells from when I killed your pet" he sickly says with a hint of pleasure, he cocks the gun and pipes up again "oh don't tell me you're going to fall asleep before we're done?!, you have gotten old haven't you???, don't worry you'll be with your family soon!!", he kicks me in the face hard, my teeth fly out as I spit blood, I lay there a broken mess, a shell of what I used to be and then as he goes to stamp on my face I catch his foot with every ounce of strength and even though my bone in my broken arm snaps off even shorter due to the force of the foot stomping, I fight through the pain and pull him down, he drops his pistol and the shot goes off and gets him in the leg, I crawl to the gun and reach it just as he stands up, I struggle with all my might I raise the gun and as he stumbles towards me I put one in his chest, I pull the trigger again and again, two, three, four, five, six, seven, click!.

He falls to floor dead by that point but I search him for more ammo, I find two whole clips, fourteen shots total, I grab them both and load one clip in and pull the trigger again, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven click!, I load the other one in and one, two, three, four, five, six shots, "how does that fucking feel???", I stagger over to his corpse and spit on it before placing the gun down and urinating on his corpse leaving it there to rot, scummy fuck deserves it, I begin heading down to the store for some alcohol to burn his corpse but I only make it over to a familiar and bad place across the street, the place my family died, I climb the ladder to the roof of the building next to where my family fell dead as the sky roars and illuminates.

*rain and thunder sounds, a grey middle aged man stands atop a dimly lit flat roof watching the streets below as sirens wail and people scream*

The rain pours down hard, tapping against my long leather trench-coat, the distant sirens and screams of civilians all blend together as one harmonious noise, I have become far too accustomed to it by now, nothing ever changes, I gaze down into the puddle beneath my feet and catch a reflection of myself as a gunshot echoes and lightning cracks through the sky, what a miserable world.

The rain distorts my image in the pool of murky water below, a sign of changed times, "fucking punks got no respect for anyone these days", I place my hands in my coat pockets and take a deep breath in almost deliberately choking on the thick fumes from the smoke, I hunch over to get my breath back and catch my reflection again and then the sky lights up.

*lightning strikes*

I feel my pockets for the smoking pistol, recently fired and the smoke blows up my nostrils, smells good, I place the barrel of the pistol under my chin and a familiar feeling kicks in.

"That numb feeling...."

*gunshot*