The Sole Soul

He was beautiful. Full feathered wings spread across the sky as he lifted himself from the Earth. His eyes, once filled with joy, were filled with an inexpressable sorrow. How could I have known that the one thing it would take to be with him at last would also be the cause of our permanent seperation? This angel was my husband, though our marraige was breif, he was mine for a sweet moment in time. The ink on our marraige license had not fully dried when I was forced to receive the certificate of death that bore his name. My something blue became something black. The ivory veil I proudly threw back became a shroud of inky midnight. Car accidents happen everyday. The other driver hit precisely into his driver side, flipping his car over the median and into the next lane of oncoming traffic. The report stated dead on impact but at night I hear his tortured screams begging for me to help him. At his funeral, I am told that I did not cry. During the service I stared at the Pastor, the same that less than a month before had pronounced us man and wife, as he declared my husband was at peace with the Lord. My brain latched on to that thought with a desperation that blocked out all other emotion and reason. Till death do us part, those were the terms we had agreed to. But why should death part us? Why, when we had only just begun our life together? I left the church ignorant of the many pitious looks and insencere condolenses. When a good christian dies they become an angel and live in Heaven with God. That simple fact is hammered into our brains from birth. If God thought that he could have my husband then he had underestimated me. My logic was skewed in such a way that it made absolute sense. If my husband was an angel then I would become one as well. Of course suicide was clearly not an option. To commit that gross of a sin would immediately disqualify me as angel material. I feverishly poured myself into my bible hoping to find a loophole that would allow me to vacate my physical shell. The Pastor was only too pleased to see how dedicated I had become to my scripture. Many sermons on piety were followed by a gesture to my seat in the pew. Many sleepless weeks, perhaps months, passed as I searched fruitlessly for a means to my literal end. One night, in an attempt to stay awake and safe from the nightmares, I went to the 7/11 to buy myself an energy drink. While standing at the register, waiting for the ancient clerk to determine the exact price of 3 energy shots and a 32 oz drink, a man shuffled in. It was with great detachment that I noticed he had the hood of his sports hoodie pulled over a low laying baseball cap. His hands where shoved deeply into his pockets and his mannerisms were hurried and nervous. The clerk finally announced my total in a voice that sounded dry as a tomb. At that moment the man pulled his hands from his pockets and exposed the cause of his nerves. I found myself faced with my loophole at last. A flat black barrel was pointed in my direction at almost eye level. My heart gave a feeble attempt at a joyous leap. At last, at long last I would be joined with my husband. I could have kissed this man who promised no trouble if I and the clerk cooperated. My wallet was clutched tightly in my hand as I decided that it was the perfect scenario. I would refuse to cooperate and he would extinguish my life. Just as I was about to declare that I would not be handing over my belongings the clerk pulled a shotgun out from beneath the counter. The ancient hands that were so slow to scan my items wasted no time reaching for the trigger of that double barrel. Something inside me snapped, sorrow was washed away by anger. Righteous and thorough that anger scorched down into my heart. I would not let God win. My husband would not be kept from me any longer. Ignoring the man I grabbed the barrel of that shotgun and pulled it to my chest. This turn of events caused the surprised clerk to squeeze the trigger. The gun barrel jerked away from my center with a hard pull and a loud bang. All I could feel in that moment was pure, unadultered joy. Then there was nothing. Absolute nothing. No pain, no joy, no sadness. It continued this way for seconds, or maybe decades. My senseless existence was devoid of any measurement of time. Finally my awareness began to return. I was free floating, without a body to feel the effects of the buckshot that mutilated my flesh. Free and seperate from the scene of chaos that followed this 'accidental manslaughter'. It was like being wrapped in tissue paper with all noise on mute. I watched on as the armed robber fled for his life, terror etched on his pale face. The shotgun fell from the clerks hands as my body flew back and crumpled to the floor. My lifeblood pooled fast and easy across the checkered tile. It was like watching actors on a stage. I had no emotions to associate with this bloody and violent play. The clerk, after the shock started to pass turned from the bloody corpse and shakily pounded in the emergency hotline. At this moment a sucking sensation began to tug at my existence. As I was still in an emotionless state I had no anticipation in going with the invisible force. Faster and harder it pulled upward. I flew through the air at a speed that could not be calculated on a mortal scale. Quickly I passed through the fabric of our world and into the realm of the Lord. Upon breaking this barrier all emotion and thought returned to me. Joy flooded my system, surely this would be judged as a death not a suicide. I would be made an angel and could then seek out my spouse. While blissfully envisioning our reunion my being came to an abrupt halt in absolute darkness. There was no sound or light. Just emptiness as far as I could feel. "Do you know what awaits you on this, your day of judgement?" The question throbbed through my mind. If I had still had hands and a head I would be clutching it. The force of that thought pulled forward an image of being assigned a new body. A new mind, wiped clean of my past life and deeds. The image and love of my husband would be removed and deleted. All hope or knowledge of joining him as an angel would be removed. Anguish and terror flowed from me. "Those who sin, but not greatly are reborn to serve their God in a new form." Again the power that was used to communicate this reverberated through me. Forcing me to face myself being turned away by a shrouded figure and thrown into a new role. Desperatley I tried to convey that I was innocent. That I would do anything to avoid that fate. To no avail. Without a mouth I could not speak. My terror continued to mount washing out all other thoughts and feelings. "There is a way this can be avoided. There are ways of obtaining wings that do not require the approval of your God." Hope sprang through the core of terror. I focused on this emotion hoping that it would be sensed somehow. "You must voluntarily come. Renounce your God and I will give you wings." The hope stopped for just a moment and doubt began to edge into its place. Renounce my God? As I hesitated my mind was once again forced to see myself being confined in the form of an embryo. Perhaps male or female it was too early to tell. All recognition of my past life were stamped from me. My husband flying past the gates of Heaven alone. All in rapid fire succesion. Determination sank into my core. I would do whatever it takes. "Then you have decided. Come." Instantly I dropped at a rate faster than the one that I had risen. I flashed out of that realm, through the mortal one and into another in the space of a thought. Fear quickly consumed my being. With a jerk I halted all falling. Again I was surrounded by darkness. I hung there beginning to grow calm when the pain began. Flames of it seared my entire being. The agony drowned out any and all thoughts or emotions. Once again time became immeasurable. All I knew was pain. All I had ever known was pain. It was all I would ever know. "That is enough for now." All pain stopped. "Disobedience is rewarded with Hellfire. You will not be disobedient." Every fiber of me strained to convey my eagerness to obey. "Very well. You may assume a physical form once again." As this pounded through me I became aware of having a form again. Extremities sprang from my center. In awe I curled my arms and felt muscles that had never belonged to me before. My head wipped down fo see a fully formed female torso and shapely legs. This body was toned and tanned. Drastically different from my last one which had sagging skin from the malnourishment of my grieving. Nudity was not bothersome to me, there was only myself and the darkness visible. Excitement radiated from my chest as I stretched my arms around to feel my back. Strong leathery wings jutted from my shoulder joints. "Return to your realm and await my command." Now that I had physical form the force of this command caused me to crumple. The burn of Hellfire spread from my mind to my spinal cord and down each nerve. I willed myself away from the pain and felt myself once again moving upward and through the darkness. The weight of what had just transpired only just beginning to dawn on my conscience. As my body tore through the darkness towards the mortal Earth I had abandoned I wondered what would happen to me next.