My Mother Made Me

         Have you ever had a memory you wish you could just erase. You know the type of memory that is so horrific that it changed your life. People wonder why I am the way I am, but I looking back I can only blame my mother. Not the type of blame you tell your shrink, “My mother didn’t pay enough attention to me,” bullshit, but the type of stuff that can really fuck you up for life. My life was changed when my mom caught me convincing a neighbor girl to show me her “goods”. Let’s just say that my mother walked in and was not happy with what she walked in on.
         “What is going on here?” mom asked. I could hear her grinding her teeth in attempts to control yelling at me. She always put on a front when other people were around, like she was the greatest fucking mother in the world.
         “Nothing,” I said quickly, hoping Cathy would play along.
         “Then why are both of your clothes off?”
         “I just wanted to try Cathy’s clothes on,” I said hollowly as I slipped my shirt over my head.
         “Liar!, You paid me a dollar to naked wrestle with you!” Cathy yelled with the look of hate in her eyes.
         My mom looked at Cathy with disgust, “Is that so? Well hurry up and get dressed, your mom will be here soon to get you.”
         “Good, I want to go home.”
         Then my mom did something that frightened me. She knelt down and looked into Cathy’s face, “If you ever tell anyone what happened, you little whore; I will make sure that your mother never sees you again.”
         Cathy was visibly shaking and tears filled her eyes, “I promise I won’t tell anyone. Plea…please don’t hurt me.”
         “I won’t hurt you as long as you keep this our secret,” mom said as she stood to tower over Cathy. “Now go wait in the living room for your mom.”
         I stood there, fully clothed, completely terrified.
         “I will deal with you later,” mom said, “Don’t come out of this room until I tell you to.”
         I just nodded and sat down on my bed. I watched the door close behind her and stared at the GI Joe poster that replaced her as she left the room.
         It seemed like hours when I heard the handle of the door. My mom staggered into the room. I could tell she had been drinking by the way she slurred, “Come here you little shit.”
         I climbed off my bed and went to where my mother was standing in my doorway. Without warning, “slap”, across my left cheek. Tears immediately filled my eyes with the sting of her palm. Before I could react, the onslaught began. She grabbed me by my hair and threw me into her room.
         “Mom! Stop!” I cried as I slammed into her bed.
         Before I could move she had me by my hair again, “So you want to pay whores do you?” she said as she placed her whiskey breath next to my face. “I guess that’s better than you being a fag and wanting to wear girls’ clothes.”
         “You’re hurting me, let go of my hair,” I said as I tried to adjust my body to take some of the pain away. I tried wiping the tears out of my eyes, but it was useless as they kept pooling faster than I could remove them.
         “Why would you pay for it, when all you have to do is take a shower with me?” she whispered with a look that made me feel dirty.
         I was confused, hurting, and scared, “I am too old to take a shower with you.”
         Wrong answer. I was flung across the floor by my hair. Little lights floated around my eyes as I tried to stay focused through the pain. The paint on the walls had taken on a different color; no longer eggshell, but a crimson hue. The grasp on my hair pulled me to my feet. More lights surrounded my vision and I was feeling nauseous.
         My mom spun me around and I was facing her naked breasts. “I bet that little slut doesn’t have tits like mine.”
         “Please, mom. I am sorry. It will never happen again,” I cried as I pushed against her stomach to get away. That just made her grab tighter.
         “What’s wrong, I used to feed you with these. You didn’t complain when you were a baby. You used to beg for me to take them out to feed you.”
         I just wanted nothing more than to escape, run away. “Mommy, please let me go,” I pleaded for my life.
         A tear formed in my mother’s left eye, “You haven’t called me Mommy since you were learning to talk.” Then she slammed my mouth against her right nipple. “Suck on my tit, like the baby you are.”
         “Mom, no,” I mumbled inaudibly as I tasted the salt of my running nose. Tears continued to stream down my face as I struggled to get away. I closed my eyes as tight as I could to turn off the living nightmare.
         “I said suck and you better not bite,” she demanded as she pulled on my hair tighter as she smashed my face into her fatty breasts.
         She made me repeat the act on the other nipple before she threw me down to the ground. I sat there sobbing at her feet as she covered herself back up. “Can I go back to my room?” I asked as I looked down at my snot and tear covered hands.
         “NO! Your punishment isn’t over yet.” She grabbed me by the arm and pushed me into her closet, “Stay here until I let you out,” she said as she shut the closet door.