I'm Not Laughing, Though

A funny thing happened on my way out the bathroom door;
My eyes were scanning across the floor,
And they spied a scale I paid no mind to before.

Just a wee bit curious as to what it'd read,
Little did I know it would be the death of me.

Both feet on the plastic, arms to the side,
Never did I realize this number would never slide.

"That's absolutely shameful." I mutter.
I pinched my arms, legs, and stomach, just now feeling all of the blubber.

A funny thing happened on the way down the steps;
I chose to do frequent weight checks.

Cut a couple calories out here and there,
Little did I know I'd soon be losing my hair.

Went to the laundry and tore through the load,
"You're a size 6 because of all of those brownies ala-mode."

Maybe cut the calories and run your ass off,
"You did this to yourself." I scoffed.

A funny thing happened when I looked in the mirror;
There was far too much of me and this became clearer.

Sucked in the gut and checked for bones,
My body had turned my mind into a battle zone.

I'd never seen such a repugnant thing in the reflection,
But I had never been under this close an inspection.

Scanning over every fold and dimple,
"Being perfect will never be simple."

A funny thing happened on my way out with friends;
The voice was screaming again, and when it got like this I knew there was no foreseeable end.

"Your thighs are too big and your ribs don't show;
Now why did you ever think your fat ass could go?"

"You occupy too much space;
You are simply a disgrace."

"You don't deserve the food you eat;
Too much meat, too many sweets."

"Maybe you should just starve,
Then a desirable body would start to carve

Out of that sorry fat sack."
I fear I'll never get my life back.