Uncertainty Part 1

With all the chaos she couldn’t concentrate. There was never any moment, except those that everyone else was asleep that she could have peace. With two children under 4 and their father that only sometimes appeared to be preset in their lives it never seemed like she could rest. Even as she sat down to try to do something she hadn’t done in forever she couldn’t focus. The focus that was required wasn’t there anymore since she was always trying to monitor her kids and make sure that her moment to herself did not take anything away from her children. She almost felt guilty doing anything for herself, but their father was a different story. He was able to relax and shirk his responsibilities as a parent anytime he felt it was too much, but she didn’t get that luxury. She was mom and moms’ didn’t get to relax or take a break. Well only when she slept. There was a dream for more in her life. She wanted someone who would help her and be willing to pick up the slack when she felt like crap, oh it was just the normal things that she felt should happen in a relationship and a family. She felt like it wasn’t too much to expect since it was everything that she had grown up with, she wanted that emulated for her children. She just wasn’t sure that’s what was going to happen.

         Shaking herself out of her thoughts she went back to picking up the living room and making sure it didn’t look completely like a tornado had torn a path through her house. It wouldn’t last for long with her kids. 

         She sighed and sank to the couch surveying her progress. It was too much. The overwhelming feeling of foreboding settled into her bones. She didn’t know where her life was headed now. There were a couple of certain things in her life, but the rest, well that was another story. A story she was not sure of how she wanted to finish. Before she had felt she knew what path she wanted her life to take, but now, after everything that had happened all the things she had been through she wasn’t sure this was where she wanted to be, or who she wanted to be. Letting out another deep breath she got up and continued to clean while all the other occupants lay snoozing. The only thing to break the silence was the drip of the faucet and the wind rushing through the gapping window panes.

         Her eyes opened as the alarm blared. She’d never get used to it, working a nine to five. There was always something else she thought she should be doing instead of being stuck in a “normal” job.  For her children though, she’d do anything. They needed clothes, food, and a place to live and there was nothing she wouldn’t do to make sure that it happened. Going through the motions she got ready for work. Dressing, she barely noticed what she picked out, brushed her hair and kissed her kids before slipping out the door and leaving her aunt in charge. The drive was uneventful no fiery crashes, no monumental traffic jams, just the monotonous drive, the same drive it was every day.

         As she pulled into the same spot she did every day and surveyed the parking lot she noticed new vehicles. Oh goodie, she thought, new temps.

         Summoning her love for her children she drug herself from the car and went into the building. It was another typical day, push papers, type, push more papers, and repeat.  The cycle was never ending. She hoped for deviation, she craved something else; something more substantial than this monotony.

It was in this ceaseless sea that she found a bright spot, something different, someone different, someone new.

He stuck out like a sore thumb, tall, lanky, and adorable. He wasn't the conventional type of devastatingly handsome. He was different, and different was exactly what she was looking for. Even though she didn't know she was looking. She hadn't known that she was looking for a person, a someone. All she knew was that different was something that she craved.

This craving was something she had not expected, having always thought she was settled in her life for the remainder. She hadn't truly come to terms with her feelings for her baby daddy. Goodness how she hated that term, but the proper way was too much of a mouthful. Her feelings for him were mixed and muddled. There was a great deal of history, hurt, and selfishness involved for her to truly get a good idea of what it was that she felt. Too long they had danced. Not really danced in the good way, but the back and forth of love and hate. It almost seemed that their feelings became polarized at certain changes of the moon. There really wasn’t a good way to describe it. She had never been able to full articulate it to anyone. If they were outside of the situation they couldn’t see it the same way, but maybe it was she, who was not clearly able to see it. The more see looked and tried to understand, or to simply justify her choice, the harder it became to find comfort in her decision.

After the last break up it probably should have remained broken.

That wasn’t something she wanted to admit. She was the one that pushed the hardest to reconcile. She was the one taking the blame for everything that was only partially her fault. At least that’s what her therapist had told her. Her therapist, she scoffed, the woman was a waste of time reiterating the things that were already floating around in her head. Not able to solidify anything or give her any type of direction except the “You have to make the decision for change;” how fully infuriating. She knew she had to change things if she wanted them different. That was the problem. She wasn’t sure that she was ready for it. That she could fully handle the change she was waffling about making.

“April. This is Tony.”

She looked up from her monitor to face the new guy, a brilliant smile illuminating her features and showing off her olive green eyes.

“Welcome to the team.” April said extending her hand.

He grasp it firmly, “Thank you.”

         A man of few words. She might be able to work with this.

Smiling broadly, “If you ever need any help I’m always here.”

         “That’s wonderful to know.” He said smiling warmly.

Tony and his escort continued to make their rounds and she returned her attention to her work, part of it anyway. For the remainder of his visit, she kept finding herself seeking out Tony. Every noise she’d glance up to see if it was him. Several times she caught his eyes and smiled; occasionally she would smirk knowing that it was him who had been looking first.

And so it began. The game some might call it, but I call it flirtation; an action that many of us engage in without even being conscious of it. This little action advertises to prospective mates that we are, in fact interested in seeing what they might have to offer. I don’t know what started it, or how I became so involved. What I do know is that I looked forward to it. I wanted to engage in it; even if it was unacknowledged. That I think made it more interesting. Neither of us acknowledged what was happening. I felt the need to continue to play coy and hope that he might make the first move; diligently following the rules of He’s Just Not That into You. Believing that if he were interested he would make a move, say something anything to indicate that the glances and the banter were simply passing work place flirtation to get through the day without ripping out hair.

I kept going over and over different scenarios in my head about how this was going to play out, each a little more fantastical than the next.  There was the favorite where each of us was staying late, last ones in the building and he would just finally lose his cool detachedness and kiss me. That would in turn lead to hot sweaty nastiness on the boss’s desk and so on. Did I mention that I had a dirty mind? That was just the most X –rated version my little brain came up with. The rest were slight variations, but none went quite as far as that one.

I just wanted a little passion in my life. We’ve all been so twisted around by every romantic comedy or love story. All of those characters get their happy endings, with the passion and the romance to keep it burning strong. No, we don’t know if all the Disney princesses would continue their happily ever after once the movie ended and he real world set in. I’ve been in the real world. I’ve had my responsibility. I want my great romance. For some nagging reason I felt that he was the one that could give it to me. There was something in the way that he smiled that said he could provided a happily ever after that I’d dreamed of.

I was just so afraid of what the next step had to be.

         She had always been painfully shy. It was the main reason there were few friends she could depend on. Acquaintances everyone had, there were a ton of people she could talk to just to have a conversation, but for those deep dark conversations there were less than a handful of people she could confide in.

         April was from a stable family, both parents, a brother and sister, dog, and cat. She’d come from something that was stable and safe. It was a life she felt was painfully boring. She’d wanted more.

         Enter the bad boy. There’s always a bad boy, one who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, had a broken family and feels that the law is more guidelines rather than hard and fast rules. That was what she needed, someone to make her life interesting.

         Frank was a break from her norm. He was raised by the fist and lived by the blunt. It was almost comical how he followed every stereotype. April wanted bad boy and she got it. Well, she got the bad boy with the heart of gold. That’s the one every girl wants, tough exterior but a stuffed with cotton.

Thinking of Frank in the good days made her smile. How he always wanted to take her places and show her something new. In the mornings after he got off work and would wake her up a little early for her morning shift with breakfast, she basked in his devotion and thoughtfulness; albeit a little grump from being woken so early, but still giddy and thankful. Any time they were together they had to be close. He would go out of his way to be close, and she in turn wanted nothing more than to be as close to him as she could get.

Those days were beautiful, and so peaceful. Then there was her dream, vision, whatever you wanted to call it. After a fight, about who knows what now, she saw them. Three children, pleading with her to go talk to their daddy, begging her to quit being stubborn. She knew deep in her heart that he was tied to her now, some cosmic force working to intertwine these two lovers. It was then she felt that she’d found her soul mate, and it terrified her.

We were so young, babies really, barely adults with only a foot out of my parents door. When this revelation smacked me in the face I was dumbfounded. Here I was and already my life was being laid out for me. I wasn’t going to have a choice in this. I’d seen my children, knew who their father was and now it was just a waiting game. That’s when things became muddled. I wanted to pull away from it, my destiny as I no referred to it. I believe I did. Hurting not only myself in the process, but the relationship that Frank and I shared

         There was a deep connection with him, one that was far beyond a normal good girl wants bad boy to piss off her parents. At one point in time Frank really understood who I was, am.

         Frank and April blossomed into a couple. They did couple-y things like keeping a household. That’s when the trouble started. They'd jumped far too soon into the particulars of being a couple, doing a great deal of it backwards. They were living together before really getting to know one another. Some part of her felt that it was too much too soon, but the rest I her screamed that their love could overcome every obstacle.

It was that love that kept me anchored in my current situation. I knew there was love there. I could feel it, part of the time. There was also a miscommunication that kept us from truly connecting, it lead us on different paths. We had different ideas of how things should be run, roles should be played.

Since I was brought up to be an independent soul it was, excuse me, is hard for me to bend to the traditional women cleans, cooks, and takes care of the children; all while the man who works all day lounges about to relax from his hard day. I guess I’ve just always seen that as unfair, especially when a woman works just as many if not more hours at her job, but then comes home to be forever working on keeping a household in order. It’s exhausting if you’ve never tried.

April would come home after a long day of slaving away behind a computer and expect to make dinner, clean the house, wash the laundry, and take care of children all while maintaining a smile on her every wearing face. She felt older than her years as she tried to maintain the fragile world she had spun around her. Each bit of it was intertwined and if one piece broke completely everything would crumble around her. She felt happy in her web of a world. At least that’s what she wanted to believe.

I wanted to believe in my happily ever after with the father of my children. I wanted my parents enduring marriage and I wanted my children to have parents that were together. I know no relationship is perfect. I know my parents are far from it. They fight, they bicker, and they get over it, move on because they truly want to have an enduring relationship. Above all because they love each other and want to share their lives. They’ve taken vows, which can be summed up in if we love the other as much as we are standing here before our friend and family and saying then we can get over the little shit and work through the big shit. That’s the long and short of any good relationship, sometimes it gets hard, but if we find it worth it we will work it out.

I guess that’s what I felt was wrong with the relationship I shared with Frank, we held on to some things too long; a great deal longer than is absolutely healthy.  I know I was in the wrong and I know that there was some of it I just could not let go. If you knew the whole story you would be asking why I was still able to speak to him civilly.

The remainder of April’s work day continued relatively normal with only slight distraction of a gentlemanly variety. She just couldn’t help herself. She felt drawn to him, like she needed to know him. It was an odd feeling, almost like it had felt her first night with Frank, but without the physical contact. As a woman of principle she knew that no matter the attraction she might feel for this man, she was never going to do anything while still, doing whatever she was doing with her man. It had become hard for her to want to speak about him to anyone. She no longer knew where he stood. She wasn’t really sure where she stood with him.

Letting out a groan she closed her eyes trying to erase the distracting, complicated thoughts that began to froth and foam in her mind.

“Done already?”

She was startled out of her reprieve to find the catalyst for her thought storm standing before her.  Tony stood next to her desk looking slightly uncomfortable possibly feeling that he had intruded.

“I wish.” She replied, “There’s still an entire stack of these that I need to get through before I can even being the reports.”

She gestured to the desk littered with paper clipped piles of pages. The stack would have been nothing to get though if she could just manage to focus, but with him standing here that was likely just a little bit out of her grasp.

         “Anything I can do to help?” He asked.

She could have sworn there was a hopeful glint in his eye, but it was there and gone so quickly that she could not say for certain. Smiling at him she replied, “The only thing you could do would be to help me sort through these, but I’m not entirely sure it’s something that the boss would like to find you doing.”

He had the good humor to look slightly ashamed, “I figured since there wasn’t much that I have been trained to do I could lend a hand with something I already know.”

The quirky half smile he finished with left her with almost a loss for words. There was a pause while she regrouped her thoughts into something that could pass as response. “Oh well, make sense why don’t you.”

He smiled again before snagging a chair and pulling it up to her desk.

She discreetly took a deep breath to steady herself as she proceeded to explain how she planned to sort the aforementioned pages into some type of cohesive order. There was a companionable silence that fell over them as they worked saying nothing more than a polite excuse me when one bumped into the other. It was almost comical how she tried to get in his way to coax a conversation out of him. So far there was no luck to be had in that department. Sadly she was never known for her great communication skills.

As April got older she became better able to speak to other people, whereas before it took everything in her to so much as extend a greeting. There was something that had switched several years back, providing a foot hold for her natural charisma. She could wasn’t orator of the year by any stretch of the imagination, but she was able to hold her own, typically with heavy handed sarcasm when her courage to speak failed her. The sarcasm alone made her seem more abrasive than she actual was, but to find someone that enjoyed speaking with her was almost a rarity.

With the day dragging on she finally managed to find something that would hopefully catapult him into a conversation. “What’s your background?”

How wide and vague a question. She almost face palmed.  Really? Could you sound more like you were fishing for info? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Her inner monologue continued for a beat before she realized he was waiting on her to elaborate.

She blushed, before sheepishly replying, “I mean how’d you managed to wind up in a place like this. Pushing papers around doesn’t quite seem like your gig.”

GIG?!?!? What a hipster you are turning out to be. I think I’ll just go over here and gag myself. She was berated by her conscious.

There was a pause as he looked to be gathering himself for an answer. An answer she hoped would tell a bit more about this adorably awkward man.

“I just kind of lucked into it.” He stated.

It was a no frills kind of answer. No room to get more information out of him without starting the inquisition. She wanted to scream at him. That was a rarity in and of itself; someone whom she wanted to physically shake for more information. She really did not want to start twenty questions, but if she had to that was going to take a great deal more courage than she had at this very minute. It might have to be the alcoholic courage, and there was no way to logistically work that one out.

She closed her eyes briefly to reset her thoughts on the task at hand. Her actual job, and not the part time position of detective she was going to have to take in order to unravel the mystery of the handsome co-worker. 

Hey there’s a mystery novel for you. Suspense, romance, and a chicken. Her inner monologue jeered.

A q-tip wasn’t going to be able to silence her brain. She would just have to work up to playing inquisitor. Right now was not really the time to get into all that. There were bigger fish to fry.

Her drive home was one of the few moments of peace April ever got anymore. When she was home peace descended as sleep took over, snoring munchkins were 99% quiet and that was about the best a mother could ever hope for. Children were only 100% quiet when something was wrong, and a mother never wanted anything to be wrong. Even though most mothers knew that every good moment was followed by a bad one. She’d take her alone time while everyone slept; use the time to catch up on some too long discarded reading.

Albeit tonight she wasn’t sure if quiet time was in the cards, because as soon as she crossed the threshold chaos closed in. It was almost like a disaster area, her toddler chasing the baby around. If they walk are they toddlers? Where was the distinction anyway? Focusing again she tried to keep the youngest, a new walker, from tripping over her own feet in purist of her brother. She knew that it was something of a futile effort. They had to fall and pick themselves back up to learn. She shook her head before starting on the task at hand, dinner and dishes.

Dutifully she made dinner and washed dishes, cleaned up the kitchen all the while refereeing for her children.  There was so much that had to happen in such a little amount of time, working like she did was almost counterproductive when it came to keeping her children on a schedule. This was yet another reason for doubting her abilities as a parent. It was just so frustrating. There was too much that she felt she could do better if only there was a way to make another of her to pick up the slack. She understood why some women chose to be at home so that they could control what their children were learning, but she didn’t think she could survive something like that. It was kind of hard for her to imagine even being “chained” to a kitchen. She was definitely not the domestic goddess type. She saw herself going insane staying at home twenty-four/seven. She wanted her home to be a place where she sought sanctuary, not some place she needed to escape because necessity dictated she stay put. April was a little to antsy to stay anywhere for too long. She'd moved every year since she'd left home partially for that reason. Since having her children she knew the road trips she'd dreamed of since she could drive were a thing of the past and distant future. There was no way she was brave enough to try it out both of them in a car for extended periods of time, she'd done it with one and that was not the most pleasant experience. She barely wanted to take both on a shopping trip. A road trip was definitely out of the question, but she could dream. She sighed and scrubbed a little more vigorously at the pot in an effort to scrub away her thoughts of anything beyond the here and now.



She closed the door gently and crept back to the living room. Whoever had said putting a child to be was like defusing a bomb was more right than they could ever know. Once April knew she’d successfully sent her precious ones to dream land she began the nightly recovery effort, and tried to return her house to something that looked like adults might actually have a handle on their domain. As she picked up the shoes, socks, dinosaurs, books, bottles, cups, and anything else her children could have seen fit to throw about the house, her thoughts returned to the quirky smile of Tony. There was something there that she couldn’t shake off. It wasn’t like the rest of her life she actually noticed that he noticed. Any other time in her life she would have not seen it. That thought alone gave her pause.

Why am I just now paying attention? I sat down, arms still full of things that needed to be put in their proper places. Why? It just kept coming back. No other time before had I ever, and I mean ever noticed anyone looking at me, noticing me. I always and still do for the majority feel like I am undesirable, even though Frank has tried to reassure me to the contrary. I just don’t feel it. There was a brief period where I felt it, but I had no one to reaffirm that for me, I don’t remember anyone noticing me. Back up, if they did notice me they didn’t give any recognition, or show it in the appropriate manner. Then there was the night where I was clubbing, but that’s a different story entirely. It just seems extremely odd to me to have just now noticed some one noticing.

She sat lost in thought, wondering why that was so significant. There had to be a meaning to it, a reason for it. Was it because she was becoming emotionally dethatched? She hadn’t really felt much for anyone other than her children for a long while now. There were moments when she thought she needed to seek out a professional’s opinion. It was almost too much at times, to not really feel much for anyone hurt. It felt hollow in her chest. She felt like she was watching her life happen around her, and she was not really participating. There was a time when she was emotionally vested, but not looking back she wondered if it wasn’t because she was pregnant and hormonal. She knew that for a stint there was true depression, it even went as far as suicidal thoughts. She shivered to even think about that time. It was not something she wanted to revisit. It wasn’t even something she wanted everyone to know about. There were only a handful of people who knew as it was, and they had helped her come though it standing by her side. She same couldn’t be said for others. She closed her eyes against the bad thoughts that began to creep up on her. April wasn’t sure anything good could come from her continued visitation of the dark past.

Breaking away from her thoughts she resumed straightening after the typhoon children. Once the house was as passably clean she gave up, trudging to her bed and falling into it, too tired to participate in any leisurely activity before succumbing to sleep.

The room was fathomless and bland. It was just like work, only larger, and it didn’t seem entirely out of sorts for me to be alone working away. In the blink of an eye Tony was there, just across the room. He looked out of place in just jeans and a t-shirt having never seen him in anything other than semi-professional attire. Even dressed down he looked slightly awkward, but there was something endearing about it. He was adorable. I just wanted to hug him, and maybe more, but the first thought was that I wanted. I needed to be touched by him. I crossed the room and stood before him. Only then did I notice the height difference. He was at least a foot taller, towering over my average five-five. I felt small. I absolutely hate feeling short, it’s one of the reasons I have so many pairs of heels. I stood before him trying to become comfortable with the difference. I didn’t have too much time to think. He stooped and firmly planted a kiss square on my lips. I was shocked at first, not responding, before my body and instinct took over. I rose to the balls of my feet, seeking more contact. His arms wrapped around me, assisting in reaching his lips easier.  He picked me up, easier than I thought he would be able too, and lay me down on a nearby desk. Tony began to kiss down my neck and unbutton my shirt simultaneously. He exposed my breast and began to lavish them with attention. Before he started on my pants he looked up at me, quirky grin in place and opened his mouth to speak.

BUZZ! BUZZ! I awoke with a start. I sat bolt upright in the bed and groaned with disappointment. Damn dreams. I didn’t need something else to worry about in my waking life. Going back to sleep would be a good idea right now. I lay back down and cuddled with my pillows hoping to seek solace in my dream world once again.

The alarm sounded and she almost cried from lost fantasy. She turned it off as she drug herself from the bed and went about her static morning routine. Except this morning she took a little extra care with her appearance. She primped for the first time in recent memory. She almost felt good, almost alive and participating in her life.

April closed the front door continuing her goodbyes to her children. She was glad to be going to work. There was something she was actually looking forward to that wasn’t a holiday, birthday, or weekend. It was a little funny that after meeting one person she was a little more alive today. That alone had to say something, but she wasn’t nearly in a state to start contemplating the meaning of it all. The implications were almost frightening and she’d not even begun to analyze them. She pushed it to the back of her mind and focused on the drive. It would not be a good thing if she had to explain that how she’d become involved in an accident because she was daydreaming about a coworker. She shook the thoughts from her head and the drive continued in relative peace, occasionally punctuated by her outrage at her fellow drivers.

Before getting out of the car I stopped, flipped down the visor, opened the mirror and began to check my appearance. Then before I could think about it I pulled the mascara out of my purse and began to apply it. That was something I typically reserved for special occasions. I wasn’t usually afforded the time to take time with my appearance, beyond brushing my hair and making it manageable.  My appearance was usually just presentable, nothing special, nothing beyond necessities. I didn’t have the time for more than the bare minimum. I was a low, and I do mean low maintenance type of girl. Once I was satisfied I returned the wand to my purse and went into the building.

She entered the building holding her head a little higher and smiling a little more. April hoped it was going to be a good day.

“April, I need those reports on my desk in two hours.” Her boss barked as soon as she sat down her purse.

“Got it covered Betty. They’ll be done.” She replied booting up her station and setting to work.

Diligently she set to work. She crunched numbers, and filled out the spreadsheets; only twice becoming distracted watching the adorable giant striding around the office. He was in a shirt that he wore at least once a week, blue with white stripes. It suited him well, brought out his eyes. His eyes. She sighed as pictures of the look he gave her before he’d scooped her up in the dream flooded her mind. That thought was all it took to derail her determination to finish on time. Again they played their game of catch the others’ eye. She seemed to be ever initiating, but she always managed to catch him looking too.

What’s a girl to do when she gets a crush? That’s exactly what it felt like was going on. It felt like I was in high school again. I was looking at the boy I thought was cute hoping he would notice me. It made me feel like dropping a note on his desk asking if he liked me, circle yes or no, was appropriate. I was 25 years old for god’s sake. I shouldn’t be dropping notes to determine if he really liked me or not. I should be taking action. I should be talking to him. I should be finding out more about him. I should be, as Tyra Banks would put it, fierce. But I’m a chicken shit. That’s putting it nicely. I’m not sure if many people would say that about themselves, but I’ll just be honest about it. Scardy cat that was me. I need to buck up.

         April’s pep talk seemed to be just that, talk. She wasn’t sure if she actually possessed the courage to do what she needed to do. Talk. Any other time she didn’t seem to have a problem talking; usually when it came to saying something important, or being outspoken about something that mattered she clammed up. She hated that about herself. She wished she was more outgoing, but she wasn’t sure there was a way to fix that, she almost wondered if she wasn’t having a mild panic attack. At the very least she was having a mild case of stupid tongue when it came to come out with feelings and such. Where most women had no issues confronting and voicing their feelings April was the exact opposite except when provoked and pushed to her breaking point. When pushed to her breaking point April was a different creature entirely.

         Her feelings, she shuddered to think about it. Not the feelings themselves, but what they meant. She didn’t have the energy to deal with the ramifications at the moment. That was something she was hoping to leave for another day, maybe another year. Hell if she could avoid it long enough another decade. The things brewing within her did not bode well for her situation. It was just going to make things harder and complicated, and…

“Time’s up. Where are those reports?” Betty strode out of her office and stood next to April’s desk hand outstretched.

April’s head snapped up uncomprehendingly, “Huh?”

“Really, April?  I need you focused and not off in some dream world. Those reports are due today. If you give me deadline I expect them to be finished. Not to have to drag you back to reality to find out you’ve done nothing.” Betty’s tirade began.

“Whoa. Who said anything about them not being finished?” April shot back.

Betty spluttered, “Well I assumed….”

“First mistake: assuming. Second mistake: Doubting me.” April produced a stack of papers with a flourish. “There you go, all done. Summary is on top. Math has been double and triple checked, and the back ups are on the server.”

April waited a beat to see if her mouth would close, “Anything else you need done?” She said as she batted her eyes.

Betty’s fish mouth finally closed, “Well actually no. Carry on.” She said as she scuttled back into her office.

“That’s what I thought.” April said under her breath, watching her leave.

“What did you think?” Someone said startling her out of her daze.

She blushed, tuning her eyes on Tony, “Not much.”

“I find that hard to believe.” He said, “Zack told me to come over and sit with you while he took a client’s call.”

April took a breath and tried to regain her composure. She’d done little else but think about her school girl crush all morning and her he sat. She almost wondered if she could slide him a note.

“That’s fine. I’m not doing anything particularly interesting, but I’m sure I could drum up something.” She beamed at him.

He returned his endearing half smile and she almost melted.

Great she thought that’s just what I need.

         The clock seemed to be stuck underwater, ticking at random, completely out of the normal sixty seconds per minute rhythm. It was as if for that period he was there time was to bend to their desire. After the first five minutes of searching for something to demonstrate she decided to use the software’s nuances as the topic. That lasted all of ten minutes. They were left in silence. Only the hum of computers and clicking of keyboards broke the silence. Desperately she wanted to be able to have a conversation, to find out anything about his mysterious man who was staring in her dreams. Where was clever plot point when the hero of the story spills his guts and gives all the background information you could ever desire. She wished life was like a book sometimes. It would make certain things so much easier. But then again if her life were a novel her hero would have to provide some background soon or her story might just fizzle out.

         As lunch hour began to roll around the lunch exodus began.  More and more people started filing down the aisle hoping to refuel or simply unwind for a brief period before returning to their never ending tasks. As the traffic became heavier Tony pulled his chair closer to April’s hoping to avoid being trampled by the herd. He turned to get a better view of her screen and brushed her arm.

         It was almost like static electricity, a quick jolt that shot straight to her core. She balked. She’d never had anyone touch her and affect her like that. A kiss, once, but never just a touch. It was unnerving. She looked up at him, to see him watching her intently.

         That could only mean one thing, maybe two, but I was hoping for the first. He’d felt it too. I wasn’t alone in noting that spark, a physical spark. Or, and this was the one I wasn’t fond of. There was a crazy look on my face and he was trying to figure out which ward I had escaped from.

“Did I shock you?” he asked, reaching out to touch my arm.

“Uh, I think so.” She replied, confusion still etched across her features.

As he made contact it happened again. It wasn’t unpleasant, just unusual.

“I’m sorry.” He said, “It must be this chair.”

“Maybe.” She replied, caught up by the new thoughts that began to wind their way through her neurons.

“It’ alright. In the winter the static electricity is crazy in this place.” She said recovering from her thought storm, and tucking it away for later analysis.

“Really? It’s that bad?” he said “Maybe it’s just my electric personality.” He joked.

She smirked. “Electric personality? You seem a little clammy to me.”

“I’m electric.” He said with conviction. “I’m just better when I know my boss isn’t breathing down my neck.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.” April replied, turning back to the task at hand.

He grabbed her sticky notes and jotted something on the pad. “Here.” He said, tearing off the note and handing it to her. “Find out.” he challenged.

She quirked an eyebrow, glancing at the paper in her hand, a phone number. “What am I supposed to do with this?” she asked looking up to find him watching her.

“Whatever you like.” He said, standing as Zack scurried across the office towards them.

“Sorry that took so long. Ready for lunch?” Zack asked.

“Whenever you are.” Tony returned. “Thanks for the info. I look forward to the rest.”

April stared for a second, images of her dream flashing before her eyes, “Me too.” She said with a half wistful smile. “Me too.”

The day continued at a much quicker clip, lunch, work, work, and then it finally came time to go home. She saw Tony once more during the day with much the same result as any other time. She would smile, and he would return with that endearingly quirky grin. She wondered, not for the first time, if she was the only one he grinned at like that. She hoped so, but with his background as vague as someone in witness protection it was a little hard to determine for certain. She quickly went over what she did know about it him: not married (no ring), adorable, and…. She’d sputtered out after two facts? Wow that didn’t bode well. Oh, his name. That was a big one. She smacked herself internally and continued about her day, as the clock ticked away.

         April looked down at her taskbar clock, five minutes left. She let out an audible sigh and slumped back into her chair. It was so close. She closed out her programs, checked her email one last time, and logged off. There was nothing like that lock screen at the end of the day and knowing it was going to be a good twelve hours before she was back in the salt mines again. As she bent over and dug her purse out of its drawer she thought she heard something, but only when she straightened up was it confirmed.

“Are you headed out?” Tony asked.

She stopped herself from spilling forth a very 90s DUH, and recovered with a slightly more adult, “Yes.” Quickly following with, “Was there something you needed help with?”

“Not really.” He volleyed.

She still felt the very strong desire just to shake him, or start torturing him for information. “Are you ticklish?” the question left her lips before she realized.

“Um.” He was thrown completely by her question.

Her cheeks flushed a becoming shade of crimson. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She rushed and quickly made for the exit leaving him staring dumfounded at the space she had just occupied.

         He shook his head as he muttered something about the weird ones before exiting the building, the first step on the journey home.

What the hell was I thinking? Now I sound like a brainless moron. I verbally berated myself on the drive home. Good job genius now he’s going to think there’s something wrong with you.

Of course there’s something wrong with you another part of me spoke up. You’re supposed to be with Frank and here you are flirting with some guy who you know nothing about. Don’t you think there’s a word for that? It’s slut. You’re a slut. Tramp. Whore.

Whoa! Whoa! Wait a gosh darn minute. I’ve done nothing with this man. Why the hell am I having this conversation with myself.  Oh god there’s really something wrong with me. I really am cracking up.

At that moment I really wanted to bang my head against the steering wheel in the hope that I could knock at least a little bit of sense into my jumble brain. Or at the very least knock out that annoying part of me that had called ma a slut. Stupid conscience.

As April arrived home and walked through the door the chaos began. She never seemed to be able to come home to a quiet house. She wanted just one night where she could sit down and relax before jumping into the fray. The night continued like any other. The same routine it had been for several months. The children would need separated, again and again. They needed dinner and the dishes would need done. Both of them would need cleaned up, teeth brushed, pajamas put on, and finally put to bed. Her son would want a story read and she would comply only too happily, albeit tiredly.

Her daughter on the other hand would fight bedtime. She would fight sleep until the bitter end. There would be no easy "Goodnight Gabby." kiss on the forehead and lay her down. She would scream and cry for five or ten minutes before finally succumbing to sleep. April would just sit outside her bedroom door dutifully waiting for her to calm and pass out. Every night it was getting better. There were still some nights where she could not allow her to continue, for fear of hyperventilation. Then she would pick her back up and walk the halls singing to her until she gave up. Only after April was convinced she was slipping into REM and she gave it another three minutes on top of that. Just to be sure.

It was only after the last one was down and Frank had given up on his video game for the night that April could think. Tonight she really needed to think. Or she just needed a lobotomy to avoid the thoughts of her earlier talk with her conscience. She dropped like a stone in favorite overstuffed armchair. She curled up and let her mind began to run. She wasn’t ready for the direction of her thoughts. She didn’t think now was the right time to start down the path her mind was wandering. Everything was too new and she was too uncertain about all of it for these thoughts to have begun their wanderings. She closed her eyes trying to redirect her thoughts. The thoughts she wasn’t ready to face yet.

If she wasn’t ready to face them awake, her subconscious begged to differ. It was ready to face them head on. Tony stood a little ways away from her in the fathomless room. They were talking about the most recent water cooler gossip.

“She just got up and left.” April said, “Shoved everything from her desk into the trash and stormed out. It was very dramatic.”

“Not a chance Alice couldn’t have done it.” Tony balked.

“Scouts’ honor.” She returned raising two fingers.

“That’s not the scouts.” He replied.

She looked at her hand. “It’s not?”

He stepped towards her and took her hand, extending another finger. “That’s scouts’ honor.”

She looked up at him, standing so close. She dropped the newly extended finger. “Show me again.” She said, voice dropping an octave.

Slowly he took her hand in his. Every point of contact tingled. She looked her hand laying in his much larger one. He used his other hand to once again extend the third finger. “That.” He said looking into her eyes “Is what scouts’ honor looks like.”

He searched her olive eyes for something. What she wasn’t certain. He cocked his now trademark half grin, making her swoon, before he kissed her. It wasn’t an overtly sexual l kiss, but one that was meant to convey all the emotions a person had to give. She kissed him right back with everything she had to give. She rose on her toes to provide some leverage for her force. His arms wrapped around her back, supporting her. Unlike the last dream they didn’t begin to strip their clothes off and get down to the deed.

It was simply a kiss. It was also more complicated than a kiss. All of that was bundled into one action; two sets of lips pressed against each other. They were each giving everything freely with that action. Her arms wound around his neck as she pressed her body against his, seeking to extending their connection. His arm tightened around her pulling her as closely as their clothes allowed. They stood locked together for what seemed like an eternity before the kiss became more. Their tongues began to explore new territory at the same time their hands began to roam. His hands slipped up the back of her shirt and pulled it over her head revealing her lacy bra. She broke the kiss and began working the buttons on his shirt, dying to explore new territory.

Just as she got the last button undone and it pushed off his shoulders Gabby’s crying broke though her subconscious. Just when her dream was going to reveal something new about Mr. Mysterious reality has to go and ruin it. That just meant she was going to have to find out in reality. That thought halted her progress to retrieve the crying child. She was going to what?

Gabby’s cries snapped her out of it. She tried to keep her mind blank as she focused on the task at hand. Her darling daughter was going to be stubborn tonight she could feel it in her tired bones. Tonight of all nights she didn’t want to be awake. She desperately wanted to get back to the dream she’d just left. See if there was something more her subconscious could drum up and keep her wishing she’d stayed in bed. Throughout her repeat bedtime routine one thought kept haunting her, finding out what reality was really like. What the hell had she been thinking?



To Be continued...