Shadow self

Shadow self

John Hastings arose from his single bed, cold and alone. The brick walls were cold; the lino floor was cold, he, himself was cold. The light was spilling through the high windows inside his small room and John couldn't stay in bed any longer. He carried himself over to the bathroom and made himself stable on the basin. The pills that he took before going to bed made him feel faint the next morning and gave him terrible nightmares, but they helped him sleep right through the night rather than staying awake. Washing his face usually helped but today he was feeling worse than he usually did. As John brought up his face from the basin of water, he stared at his eyes. People always told him, how he had such lovely eyes, such innocent looking eyes. But that was a long time ago, and a lot has changed. Well, his eyes were still blue, yes. He sighed and dried his face. But innocent?

"God dammit!" A sharp inhale and fist was thrown, into the perfect mirror which mocked him. Shattered. That's how it should be. Like him. His hand then opened, and red smiles appeared and sent blood tendrils running down his arm. He was still uneasy, and that quick movement made his eyes turn to static and his head light.

'No, not now, not again.' John crashed to the cold floor and fell into the nightmarish land of his broken thoughts.

The nightmare again had begun, the same one. Jess was there. In his mind. She was in the middle of the darkness.

"Jess!" She didn't move, not a twitch, not a shuffle. John ran towards her; his hot tears stung his eyes and the warm mucus that ran down his throat made him choke.

"It's ok Jess. I'm here. Just... just wait there." John's lungs gasped for air, but each breath felt like fire down his throat. He ran and ran and ran but each step was harder than the last. Running in a nightmare was pointless. Just as John was about to give up he reached Jess. He stumbled and grasped her beautiful face. It was perfect; her blonde hair ran through his dirty fingers. She was pure, and he was not.

"Jess speak to me, please" John cried out her name but it was to no use, Jess was gone and there was nothing he could do about it. A tear rolled off his cheek and dropped onto Jess's body, sparkling diamond on a perfect body. But the tear was tainted, tainted by John's deeds. The shining tear quickly turned black and started to cover Jess's entire body with tentacles of darkness; John's thoughts scattered and he panicked.

"No! What is happening? Jess!" The black liquid took hold of Jess and her eyes shot open with a blazing red furry.

'John!' The dark creature screeched. "You killed me, took away my life and stole my love. I was happy, but not with you. You are a poor excuse for a human being, and I never loved you!"

'Please, I know you loved me, I wouldn't hurt you, and I didn't hurt you. Please!' The dark Jess flew up and raced towards John; a black mass with burning red eyes was about to crash right into him.

"This isn't fair, I didn't, I wouldn't, no, I wouldn't do that to Jess." John waited for all of his sense to return before he stood up. The room spun, and his stomach churned, but the basin wasn't spinning. "Ugh another nightmare." There has been more since that night with Jess.

"Some parts are all too clear. Like a horrible film being played back over and over. But, but I didn't do it"

"Some parts are all too clear?" The man said in a mocking voice. "Please, you couldn't tell someone what happened even if you did play it back over. But since you think you know the story so well, why don't you tell me it again" The snarky man had appeared at the first sign of denial. He wasn't real, but he was. Sort of. He was from John's head, and well John's head wasn't all there.

"I would, but Jack, you tell it so well" and the hostility rose.

"Ah good, I was hoping you would say that because you know I love story time ever so much. Well, once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who got lured into this person's home. Then he chopped her into bits and fed her to God; he found out, turned you into a real monster and here we are." Jack sniggered. "Oh, wait that wasn't you, but it was close enough wasn't it?"

"Tell it how it was" his churning stomach was now a burning core of fury, Jack never helped at all.

"Okay, but I don't think you'd like this version any better"

"I don't care"

"Fine, no need to get grumpy" the man laughed, in a cruel patronizing way. Jack sat down in front of John, and his grin stretched from ear to ear. John hated this, but it was the only way of coping with what he did or what he didn't do.

"Okay, but if I tell the story you can't interrupt me, I really hate being interrupted."

"Just do it"

"It was a beautiful summer's day and you had just got home from work. Jess was out. So you went to bed since the heat made baby Johnny sleepy. And you awoke sitting at the table with Jess laughing across from you. "Why are you laughing and how did I get to the table?" you asked. But you knew. You knew that I had woken you up. That I was making Jess laugh, making her smile. At me, not you and I thought I was thee "fake" one. Well, Jess certainly didn't see it that way now did she? You were the fake John, you."

"Shut up."

"Don't interrupt."

"So you couldn't have her believing that you, her boyfriend was the fake. She had to know that Jack that bastard was the fake. But she wouldn't listen. "Why were you laughing at him? He's the fake. Why were you laughing?!" You have quite the trust issues now don't you John. She was scared now "Get away" she yelled. Why? Why would she say that? If she would just listen to you that you weren't fake. "Don't come near me, or I'll call the cops" she warned, but you couldn't let her call the cops, they wouldn't understand. So you tried to stop her but he hit you on the head with the phone. That was a bad move on her part now wasn't it? It just made you angrier. Words then came screeching in like knives to your ears that hit to the head made them worse. So you took your big meaty hands and tried to squeeze that siren shut."

"Stop, please" John now was starting to regret this. This, was not what he wanted

"No, this is the best part. Then you held her up with your brute strength and watched as the windows to her soul, slowly closed the curtains. Jess screamed and screamed for mercy, but that fell on deaf ears, didn't it? You saw her lying there, her perfect face mangled. "She's ok" you mumbled under your breath. "It wasn't my fault" the steps you took were heavy and your voice snapped just like your mind. "Stop faking" you yelled, but not even your harsh voice could scream the black and blue bruises off her neck. You had killed her."

"No I didn't"

"You were her lover and you had killed her. Jess lay in the corner of the room, it was dark, cold, dirty, just like your heart" Jack sneered

"I can't, I, I, stop, no, I can't. You're not helping!" John fainted again from becoming too upset.

"John! John! Wake up John!"

"Ah, nurse."Mayer, sorry about that, I got a little upset, broke the mirror and cut my hand. Oh and it's Jack now, by the way