VINCENZO WANTS A BOY

VINCENZO WANTS A BOY                                                                                                                                                                

         "This is Caterwaul reporting from GRUFF; Group Residence (for) Unwanted Furry Friends. I understand that many of the animals here are hoping to be re-homed and re-loved. I see a likely talker sitting alone. Excuse me, sir; yes, you sir. I couldn't help but notice your sleek grey fur, wild whiskers, and long, twitching tail. What do people call you?"                              

         "Well, that's a loaded question. I've been called many names in my life. When I was learning to walk and climb, I heard 'get down', 'shoo', and 'stop that'. For years now, I've been known as Mr. Whiskers. I shuddered every time I heard this. Do I look like the cutesy, cuddly type? I'd like a new name; something suave and sophisticated. My new roommate has to address me as Vincenzo.                                                                                                    

         CAT: "Roommate?"                                                                                                    

         VINCENZO: "Yes, roommate; I prefer that term to 'owner'. After all, he and I will be sharing everything."                                                                                                              

         CAT: "So, you'd choose to live with a boy? Why?"                                                            

         VINCENZO:"I crave action and adventure. I want my boy to be a bike rider. His bicycle must have a basket. I'll stand tall in there with my hind legs braced and my fore paws free to wave, or swat bugs, or high-five the kid. I want to feel the wind ruffling my fur. I want my heart to race as he pedals faster. Is it like flying? Actually, I'd really like to propel my own bike and coast down a hill."                                                                                                              

         CAT: "This sounds like fun. What else would your ideal boy be willing to do?"                    

         VINCENZO: "It would be great if he wanted to be a pirate, or pretend anyway. I'd like to play pirate. What's a 'swashbuckle'? Maybe, he'd know. I'd like him to explain 'poop deck', 'crow's nest', and 'shiver me timbers'. We could create cool pirate costumes to wear. He could teach me to swagger. I'd stomp around on a peg leg and squint around an eye-patch. I draw the line at wearing earrings, though. My former roommate insisted on clipping them to my ears. Ouch, earrings really hurt!"                                                                                                    

         CAT: "So, you had an owner, excuse me, a roommate before? I'm guessing it was a girl. What was she like?"                                                                                                              

         VINCENZO: "She was a good egg; no, really. Her name was Emily Grace Georgina, Egg for short. She was always talking to me and singing to me. I miss that. She especially liked to play dress-up. She would tie bows in my fur and force me into tight doll clothing. I told her that this was undignified; I was a boy. She wasn't too happy with me when I squirmed and the dresses tore, but I had to breathe. I just couldn't stay still while she tried to paint my nails. I liked the Barbie jeeps she let me drive. They were kind of neat, but I wasn't crazy about the pink one."          

         CAT: "So, what happened? Why are you here?"                                                            

         VINCENZO: "Egg cracked. She developed allergies. Apparently, my fur irritated her. Shaving was not an option; bald isn't a good look for me. The non-stop sneezing and the itchy, red, watery eyes were terrible. I could barely see her when we said our goodbyes. Now I want a healthy boy who will roll in the dirt, run, and whoop and holler outside. I can't wait to make noise."                                                                                                                                  

         CAT: "You seem fascinated with the outdoors. Have you never been outside?"                    

         VINCENZO: "No. Egg's Mom was hard-boiled. She warned my former roommate never to take me outside because I'd run away. She made Egg soft and afraid. I know what the sunshine feels like as it reflects through a window, but is it stronger outside? Does it still feel warm if I run through grass? Does grass tickle? Will a breeze make me shiver? I've never felt rain. I'd like to splash and splosh in puddles with my boy. Mud looks like fun. I think I'll need rubber boots."                                                                                                                        

         CAT: "It seems like you've given this a great deal of thought. Are there other things on your wish list?"                                                                                                              

         VINCENZO: "Food is important to me. I'll admit I like so-called junk food, but I rarely got to enjoy it. The boy should have access to potato chips. We don't have to munch them every day, but if he wants to I'll agree to that. It would be fantastic if the boy loves cookies like I do. Chocolate chip oatmeal ones are the best. Egg was always giving me dog biscuits. Do I look like a dog? Cheese is another favourite. I think most boys like cheese."                                                  

         CAT: "Where would you like to live? What kind of bed do you fancy?"                              

         VINCENZO: "Oh, I'm not picky. I suppose I could live quite comfortably in a house or an apartment. I don't require a big space or lots of rooms. I can curl up anywhere, but I'd like to share a bedroom with my ideal boy. Come to think of it, he'd better not be a snorer. I'm a light sleeper. For some reason, I find it difficult to fall asleep at night. I prefer a soft mattress with no pillow. A blanket or two would be perfect to burrow under. There should be enough room, though, to expand."                                                                                                              

         CAT: "Expand? What do you mean?"                                                                                

         VINCENZO: "Well, someday, I'd like a mate. My boy needs to be open to the idea of a family in the future. He and I would have great fun with some little rugrats running around."          

         CAT: "Okay. You keep referring to your dream co-inhabitant, this nurturing and playful person, as 'he' or 'the boy'. Does he have the perfect name?"                                                  

         VINCENZO: "That's a good point. Names are important. I'd give him a short name like 'Joe', or 'Moe', or 'Art'. I'll probably be tempted to think of a nickname for him after we meet. Off the top of my head, I'm warming to ' Mojo' or 'Dojo'. How about 'Brojo'? 'Slomo' has an impact. The possibilities are endless."                                                                                

         CAT: "Well, thank you for speaking with me, Vincenzo. I must say, your charming personality has me wondering why people use labels such as 'dirty rat' and 'rat fink'. You certainly are deserving of your ideal roommate, and somewhere, your boy will hear this interview and realize, 'Vincenzo is the rat for me'."                                                                      

         VINCENZO: "Thank you so much Caterwaul! Let me just emphasize that this rat never abandons any ship."                                        

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