Always on my mind.

"A light on a hill." -Margot and the Nuclear So So's

"Stop it, Seeley!" She screamed with a giggle as she fell into his lap. "Why don't you mak-"Before he could finish his sentence, she planted a kiss on his lips. She pulled away and looked into his blue eyes, with a smile escaping her lips. "What do you think our senior year is going to be like?" she whispered as she laid her head on his chest. "I don't know, Nikki; Legendary, sad, exciting, frightening." He sighed and looked out off the roof of the old theater on the outskirts of their small town. It was perched on a hill, and it was the perfect place to be alone. He smiled and rested his cheek on top of her head "Look, all I know is that it's going to be worth it. Because I'll have you, and we'll always have each other. And no matter what, we'll stick together and just help each other. Because that's what it is all about."  He bit his lip expecting a gasp and I love you to come from her. He shifted his gaze and saw she had fallen asleep on his chest, drool dripping from her lips; he chuckled as he reached for his coat next to him. He gently placed it over both of them and kissed her head before closing his eyes and drifting into a peaceful sleep.


Ten Years Later.

The phone rings in the dead of the night, its sound almost like a drill forcing its way into Seeley's temple. He grunts and reaches for the obnoxious ringing, knocking over several empty liquor bottles as he does. "What..." he mumbles into the phone, waiting for a voice to answer. Nothing but a few crackles and silence on the end. "Listen, I don't know who the fuck this is, but you have exactly thirty seconds to talk, before I track you down, and gut yo-" He stops halfway as he hears heavy breathing and the sound of sobbing. "Seeley... She's dead, son..." The voice shakily mumbled. "Grandpa..? Who is dead?" Seeley sharply replies with worry in his voice. "Nikki..." and with that one word, Seeley's heart dropped, it ached, it felt like it was boiling in a pot with rusty nails and glass shards. He hung up and threw the phone against the wall as hard as it could. He clenched his jaw and let out a sigh, he looked at his nightstand at the picture of him and Nikki their sophomore year in high school. His memory quickly ran back to that moment for comfort.

"Cigarettes and Coffee" - Otis Redding

Seeley looked at the calendar hanging on the wall of the diner. "September, 19^th 2002." He said with a smile. Nikki glanced at him as she snapped a photo with her cheap disposable camera. "Okay then, Seeley... Thanks for the update." She jokingly replied as she turned and snapped a picture of the policemen drinking coffee. "September, 19^th 2002..." Seeley looked down at his watch "...At quarter till three in the morning." "Seeley what the fuck are you talking about?" Nikki questioned with concern. "September, 19^th 2002. At exactly three forty-five in the morning is the moment when I knew that I would love you for the rest of my life." He replied with a big grin on his face and a stern look in his eyes, the kind of look that made Nikki realize he was serious. She smiled and looked down at her plate of pancakes. "I'm going to love you for the rest of my life too." She whispered while her face turned bright red.  Seeley reached into the front pocket of his shirt, and pulled out his pack of cigarettes. Lighting one and looking at her with nothing but love in his heart. "Good, because I'd be nothing without you, I'd be nothing." He replied with smoke billowing out of his nose and mouth. He picked up his mug and took a big gulp as Nikki leaned over the table, with her lips puckered, smacking him to indicate she wants a kiss. He placed his mug down and quickly put his lips to her. He saw her extend her arm out of the corner of his eye; he closed them and waited for the click then the flash of the camera


Present day.

"My My Hey Hey" - Neil Young.

Seeley gripped the steering wheel of his old Ford Bronco, cigarette hanging from his lips, he merges with traffic. "Austin EXT one mile, San Antonio EXT three miles, Rest stop one half mile." He mumbled as he read the sign. He took a long drag out of his cigarette before removing it from his mouth; he looked hard at the setting sun, thinking about their first road trip. How she insisted on being a back seat driver, how she loved to lean the seat back and put her bare feet out the window on the side view mirror. He remembered the way she would have his sunglasses on, they were too big, and they would slide off her face, he remembered the cheap cigarette she was smoking, because she had already used all of her money in thrift shops along the way. He snapped out of it when he heard a horn and an angry man shouting. "Why don't you shut the fuck up, asshole?" Seeley screamed back through his cracked window. He quickly went back to the memory, the way she bit her lip looking at him driving. "You look pretty sexy with your hand on the wheel." She whispered, moving in closer to him, laying her hand on the zipper of his old jeans. He grabbed her hand and moved it back. "Calm down, you horn-dog. Wait till we actually get to the beach." He shook his head with a grin. "Fine." She mumbled and pouted, "I'll take a nap." His headlights hit the one sign he thought and hoped he'd never see again. "Welcome to Wimberley Texas." He sighed and continued onto the road to his Grandparents house. Seeley's mother died during childbirth and his father when he was 13. His grandparents took him in, even though he and his father were already living in their home at the time of his death.  After a few turns down a couple of dirt roads, he hit the long driveway.

Seeley awoke in his childhood room, his grandfather standing at the door. "I didn't hear you come in last night, kiddo." Seeley propped himself up on his elbows and wiped the sleep from his eyes "Yeah, I didn't want to wake you, gramps." He mumbled, reaching to the nightstand and pulling the last cigarette from the pack. He put it in his mouth and brought the lighter up. "Eh... I don't think so, kiddo. The rule is still the same. Even with your grandmother gone, take it outside." His grandfather smirked as he walked away and down the hall. "And breakfast is in fifteen!" he shouted back to Seeley.  He got out of bed and stretched, his back popping over and over again. He let out a yawn as he walked in front of the mirror; he took off his wife beater and stared, his hand going over the tattoo.


"I want to hear what you have got to say." -The Subways.

Seeley climbed through Nikki's window, tripping and landing on the carpet face first. "Awh, baby!" she smirked as she helped him up. "What are you doing here?!" She asked as she looked up at him with her eyebrow raised. Seeley looked around her room, before catching her gaze with his own eyes. "Just in the neighborhood... I heard the sounds of a dying pig, so I climbed up as fast as I could, only to realize that it was just you laughing." Seeley replied jokingly. "Hey!" she exclaimed as she slapped his chest. "Ow, ow, ow, ow!" Seeley gasped from the pain, taking a deep breath. "What?" She asked looking at the spot on his chest that she hit, slowly lifting his shirt, her eyes got big as she saw a white bandage on the left side of his chest.  She slowly pulled it revealing her name tattooed on his chest in a curvy pattern. "I thought you'd like it..." he mumbled as he looked down. There was a moment of silence before she smiled and pulled his shirt completely off before throwing him on the bed. She jumped on top of him and they began kissing and rolling around. Taking off each other's clothes off as quick as possible, knocking things off as they wildly threw them across the room.  "I love it..." Nikki muttered through kissed and gasps. "I love it more than anything, Seeley." She looked into his eyes before kissing him even harder. He pushed her back his hands tracing a pattern on every inch of her body, her green eyes looking into his blue ones. "I love you, Nikki." He smiled before they continued.

Seeley was startled out of the daydream by his grandfather's knock on the door. "I told you fifteen minutes. Let's go." Seeley rolled his eyes and nodded. "Give me a few more minutes." He asked looking back at his reflection. "Alright, alright... It's on the table when you're ready, I got to go out the pasture and make a few repairs, come find me when you're done, and I could use the help." His grandfather mumbled walking down the hallway. Seeley looked at the tattoo and the healed gunshot wounds on the right of his chest and down his side. He shook his head and muttered something under his breath before grabbing a new shirt and throwing it on as he made his way to the kitchen. His heart sinking ever deeper as the thought of that night lingered in his brain.



Seeley arrived at Nikki's parent's house. He threw his cigarette to the ground as he walked up the stairs to the front door. He knocked on it three times and took a step back. Listening for footsteps, searching his mind for what to say, "I'm sorry, for your loss Mr. and Mrs. Bankston, truly sorry." He shook his head, it wasn't good enough. He jumped to attention when the door swung open, in the doorway stood Nikki's older brother, Ben, a big man, always had been. He didn't like Seeley, but he still liked him more than his and Nikki's parents. "Seeley, how have you been?" Ben asked as he opened his arms for a quick hug. Seeley stood confused for a moment before welcoming the hug. The men pulled back and nodded, both staring at each other. "I've been good, just drifting from place to place, how about you?" Seeley nodded peering past the mountain of a man in front of him, to a little boy, with the same jet black hair as Nikki. "I've been good, working, offshore oilrig right off the gulf. The last I heard you were in the army? I thought your plan was to go to Oklahoma State and study wildlife or some queer shit." Ben smirked and followed Seeley's gaze to his nephew. Ben closed the door a little more, so Seeley couldn't see inside the home "Uhm, yeah... Plans change, I decided I needed to work off some rage and get some discipline I guess... Hey was that Nikki's son?" Seeley asked, gulping down the sadness in his throat. "Yeah, cute little guy. Arm like a champ, he get's that from his dad. Y'know the man my sister married and was actually in love with." Seeley took offense and clenched his fists, his jaw tightened, and he looked Ben right in the eye. "Listen, you're a big guy, probably scare a few people, but if you ever talk to me that way again, I will kick your fat-ass up and down this goddamn street." He moved in closer to the man and kept his stone gaze at his eyes. "You always did have ice cold water running through those Texan veins, boy." Ben chuckled and open the door "Come on in." he mumbled. Moving out of the way and extending his arm into the house, allowing Seeley to walk through. The smell hit Seeley's nose and his heart fluttered; it still smelled the same, like cigarettes and cheap whiskey, with the faint sent of her mother's cooking and perfume. 

Seeley walked into the living room, where her mother sat in tears and her father ever so stoic sitting beside her. John Bankston, an old marine who fought in 'Nam, and would tell drunken stories of the men he shot or the men he saved. Seeley wasn't afraid to admit that John always made a coldness shoot up his spine, but not only from fear, but from anger. John would beat his wife and daughter when he got to drinking too much, it all stopped after Nikki turned seventeen and threatened to move out, but Seeley could never let it go. John spotted the boy as he walked in, his blood began to boil, and he stood up. "You get the hell out of here, kid. You're not welcome in this house. You never were." Seeley stopped in his place and looked at John, he was even bigger than his son Ben, but Seeley wasn't afraid anymore. "John Oliver Bankston! You stop it; the boy is here to pay his respects." The mother exclaimed between sobs. Martha Bankston was a saint who met John in 'Nam where she was a nurse at the base he was sent to after he was injured for and I quote "Killin' those god forsaken motherfucking squint eyed gooks with my bare hands!" It was love at first sight, as the story goes.  "Seeley Williams, I haven't seen you since you were eighteen years old, look at you now. A lot has changed, you got a beard, your hair is long, but you still have those cold piercing blue eyes..." Martha paused and smiled a little, waving her hand to Seeley. "Come a little closer, I want to get a good look at you." Seeley nodded and did what she asked, kneeling down in front of her, and taking her hand. "I haven't seen you since that night you and Nicole broke up." Seeley dreaded this conversation, he always went out of the way to talk about it when it came up, but he never forgot it, he just pushed it to the back of his mind, and tried to hold it back from spilling out.


I've Got Dreams to Remember. -Otis Redding.

Seeley stood on the rooftop of the old theater, looking out over the town, his hands shaking, and the cigarette between his fingers close to burning him. He couldn't believe it, he just couldn't. She was with someone else; he was regretting to go out that night. "I should have stayed home..." he whispered, pushing the smoke through his clenched teeth. He had decided to go out and drive around for a few hours until Nikki got home from some church thing. He was on the middle of Main Street when he saw the two holding hands and kissing. He felt an uncontrollable rage take over, he was going to run him over, but he stopped, he took a breath and just drove away, but not before Nikki spotted him. He heard the clanging of someone coming up the old rusty ladder leading to the roof. He turned and saw Nikki's head peak over the ledge; he turned back and continued peering out over the town. "Hey..." She mumbled, stepping over the ledge and slowly walking over to him. "It's not what you think, Seeley... I swear.." Seeley clenched his jaw "Just shut the FUCK up, Nikki. I'm not an idiot, don't treat me like one." He threw the cigarette off the ledge and turned to her once again. "What did I do wrong? Huh? What's so great about this guy?" Before Nikki could answer, she once interrupted by the boy coming up the ladder. "Babe, why are we here?" He asked as he walked to her. "Who is this guy and why is he at our spot" he smugly asked looking Seeley up and down. "I'm the guy who is going to make you shit your own teeth if you don't shut the fuck up." Seeley focused his attention to Nikki. "Really, fucking really?! You brought this motherfucker here... And said it was your spot? I found this place, Nikki.. Not you, not this walking should have been an abortion.." Seeley spat as he split his attention between the two of them.


Present Day.

Seeley shook himself out of it and swallowed hard. "Yes, Ma'am, I know. I'd rather not talk about it though." John snickered and looked down at the boy. "Let it go, get over it." He smugly replied. It took everything Seeley had to hold his tongue. "John, I got you that beer, and Martha here is that cup of coffee you wanted." Said the man walking in with a tray, the boy Seeley had saw quickly behind him, almost tripping over his own feet. The man saw Seeley and slowed his pace as he got closer to the couch. "Who is this?" he asked while handing the beverages out. "No one" John harshly replied. Seeley let go of Martha's hand and stood up. "Seeley.. Just an old friend if Nikki's..." He quietly replied. "I'm Richard, her late husband and please don't say Nikki, she hated that, nearly stabbed me the eye when I called her that. She preferred Nicole." Seeley was taken back at this; she used to love when he called her Nikki. "I'm sorry, I guess I didn't know her as well as I thought I did.."  Seeley mumbled. "Obviously not." Replied Richard, very rudely. Seeley nodded and looked down at the floor. "I should get going, I've got things to do , stuff to pick up for gramps. It was nice seeing you all again and nice to meet you Dick, I'm sorry, Richard.." Seeley smirked and walked out the door, but before turning one more time to look back at the one thing that really tied Nikki to earth. His heart sank and he continued out the door to his Bronco.  He started it, waited a few minutes for the old engine to really warm up, and then he was gone.

Seeley drove around for hours, hitting his old spots when he was a teenager. He stopped at the old liquor store off Turner Drive; He went inside and bought a bottle of Jack Daniels, as he was pulling out the money he accidently grabbed two faded pieces of paper. He stared at them for the longest time trying to figure out what they were, and then it hit him. They were the movie tickets from their first date. Seeley swallowed hard and took his bottle and quickly walked out and sat out in his car as he took swigs off a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Day is Gone -Noah Gundersen and the Forest Rangers.

Seeley sat there, watching a few kids cross the street on their bikes, an old couple window shopping, and a group of jocks walking out the sporting goods store. He took a few more swigs from his bottle before lighting a cigarette. Here came his favorite part of drinking. Her, she'd appear, not a memory, more like a hallucination. "Seeley, why do this to yourself." Her haunting voice rang out in his ears over and over again. "I don't know, Nicole." He mumbled mockingly as he took a long drag. "He doesn't know what he's talking about, Seeley." "Who doesn't know what he's talking about?" he replied looking over at her.  "Richard, that's who, I loved being called Nikki." Seeley bit his lip and looked at the steering wheel. "You shouldn't be driving, Seeley. You'll hurt someone.. Please don't." She pleaded with him, scared of his safety. "Just shut up!" Seeley bloodcurdlingly screamed. "YOU'RE NOT EVEN REAL!" he let out as he wiped the newly formed tears from his eyes. "I know what you did, Seeley. Overseas, you killed men; you took them away from their families. I kept an eye out for your name in the paper, just to make sure you were still alive. I never forgot you." She cruelly mentioned while laying her hand on his shoulder. Seeley jerked back "SHUT THE FUCK UP. STOP IT, FUCKING STOP IT, PLEASE STOP IT!" he desperately screamed the veins in his neck almost about to burst. He sobbed with his head in his hands. "Just go away, please..." he begged as he took a deep breath. He was startled by a knock on the window; he quickly turned and rolled it down. "Can I help you?" he asked, wiping away the last few tears. "You alright in here, son? We've been listening to you sitting here screaming for awhile now, who have you been talking to?" The deputy asked peering into the vehicle. "Just a frie-" Seeley began to mumbled as he looked at the passenger side with no sight of his previous hallucination. He stared blankly at the seat for awhile before clearing the sadness from his throat and turning back to the officer. "Just no one I guess... Sorry, sir. It won't happen again." Seeley sighed and nodded to the police officer as he left.


Seeley pulled into his Grandfather's driveway, as he was getting out of the bronco, his grandfather came out of the front door. "Took you long enough, kiddo, did you get the things I asked for?" Gramps asked as he waltzed over to his grandson. "Yeah, I did; One T-square, one box of nails, and a level." Seeley mumbled, putting on a fake smile for his grandpa. "You went and saw them, didn't you?" Gramps asking looking at Seeley, he could clearly see right through the fake smile. "Boy, why would you put yourself through that hurt?!" he asked, getting angry as he thought about it more. "I swear you and your father, it's like you get off on the pain, you can't let it go, you have to let it fester and swell up inside of you. He did the exact same thing when your mother died." Seeley clenched his jaw and looked down at the pavement "I can't help it, she was the only thing I ever wanted it, and I thought that one day we could be us again, but now we can't!" he screamed, getting enough courage to look up at his grandfather. "I went to pay my respects to the family of the girl I once loved, that I still love." His grandfather, taken back at the way Seeley had spoken to him, shook his head and sighed. "I knew she was trouble when you came home from school just going on and on about her, I knew she'd break your heart, I never dreamed she'd have this much of an effect on you."


"Mr. Williams." The voice said over and over again, or at least it sounded like it, it was probably just echoing through Seeley's mind as he was asleep. "Mr. Williams!" it said again, this time with more annoyance in its tone. With a quick slap on the back of his head, he awoke to see everyone looking at him, the teacher in front of him shaking his head. "Seeley, if you will, please tell us about the Republic of Texas and how it became just an regular old state in the United States of America." Seeley was caught off guard and was drawing nothing but blanks. "Uhhhh.. Maybe you should tell us..?" He mumbled with a smirk as he looked up at Mr. Jameson. "Of course, well while I'm telling you all again, Mr. Williams here will be getting his stuff ready to go to detention for the rest of the day, where I will be sure to send tons of essays for him to write. Just to keep you busy." Mr. Jameson smugly replied looking down at Seeley. He got his stuff together and made his way to the detention room, a place he was all too familiar with, he wasn't a bad kid, he didn't pick fights, or not do school work, he just didn't like Mr. Jameson, and the feeling was mutual. He opened the door and walked in to see her sitting in the front row, he just stood there, staring blankly at her. She was chewing on a strand of hair, her pencil moving a thousand miles per minute, her black hair cut perfectly to show the features of her beautiful face. "Seeley, take a seat, please." Coach Harding kindly asked as he kept his eyes on the sports section. Seeley shook himself away from the thought of her as he moved to her row, he sat three seats away from her, watching her every move. "Who is she?" he thought to himself as he took out his History book. She felt his stare on the back of her neck and quickly turned to him, which scared Seeley half to death. He nervously looked around thinking of what to say, but his brain took over and he blurted out: "Texas used to be its own Sovereign Nation!" She laughed and turned back to her work, Seeley was red all over, his face burning hot from embarrassment. He hung his head in disappointment; she'd never talk to him now. "It stopped being a sovereign nation in 1846." She replied, keeping her eyes on her paper. It threw Seeley off, he just sat there smiling, thinking to himself that she was beautiful and smart, and he had to be with her. "I...I'm... Uhh, Seeley." He whispered to her as he looked at the Coach, who was clearly not paying attention. "That's cool." She whispered back, not really caring who he was or why he was here. Niki was a little cold hearted and only cared about school, she was only here because she was passing a note for that total slut Tiffany, and of course she got caught. Seeley watched as she continued to chew on her hair and work, she seemed like a creature of habit, and he liked that about her. "I bet that by the time we leave here, you'll tell me your name." Before she could rudely answer, the lunch bell rang, Coach Harding finally looked from over his paper "You go get lunch, you come right back here, you eat it, then you do your school work, got it?" He quickly mumbled and went back to his paper. Seeley jumped and almost skipped out of the room, Nikki following behind him "What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you like retarded?" she coldly asked, rolling her eyes as he looked behind him at her. "No, but today is burger day, and I love burgers, plus, it's an excuse to get away from the crypt keeper back there." He laughed at his own joke before she could even smirk. "Nikki." She mumbled as he reached the doors that lead into the cafeteria. "Hmm, I pegged you for a Samantha, or a Trixie." He jokingly replied as he held the door open for her "But it's nice to meet you, Nikki..Very nice to meet you." He smiled and watched her walk past him and into the cafeteria.

Present Day.

Seeley looked at his grandfather and nodded. "I'm sorry... I won't do it again, I swear I won't." He swallowed hard and looked out towards the pasture. "You still want me to help?" he hopefully asked, the work would get his mind off of the whole situation. "Nah, but you can work on the balcony stairs, half of the wood is rotted." His grandfather replied, still ever so worried about his grandson. He laid his hand on Seeley's shoulder "It's not your fault, son. Don't hold the weight of the world's problem on these shoulders; they'll give out on you." He smiled and grabbed the bag of tools and started towards the pasture. "I want those stairs done before sunset today, get to work." He called back to Seeley as he kept walking, his eyes forward, a little giddy in his step.

Seeley got to work on the balcony stairs, he spent all day on them, breaking the old rotted wood down, cutting new wood, making sure the measurements were perfect. He was interrupted by the sound of a car coming down the driveway; he looked up from the wood to see an old friend climbing out of a rusted old truck. "Daniel! You son of a bitch!" Seeley called out as he put a pencil behind his ears, walking to his old friend, hugging him as hard as he could. "Seeley, it's too long, brother." Daniel muttered as he embraced the hug. He pulled away and looked Seeley up and down "Jesus, you look and smell like shit." He smiled as he nudged his old friend on the shoulder. "Go get me a beer, bitch. It's been ten years, and you owe me that." Seeley shook his head "Fine, fine, I'll go, but try not to fuck my work up, okay? Cunt." He laughed as he jogged to the kitchen door to get two beers. He emerged minutes later, carrying two ice cold beers, and a sandwich. Daniel looked at him and couldn't help but laugh "Haaa, look at this pretty little woman, she got me a sandwich too." Seeley tossed the beer to him and sat down on a stacked pile of wood. "Why don't you suck my dick, douche. I haven't eaten since this morning. " he muttered as he hungrily inhaled the peanut butter sandwich. "What are you even doing here? How did you know I was in town?" He asked as he cracked open his beer. "Ben told me" Daniel said after taking a long swig off his beer. "He also said there was a little friction today with his family. What were you even doing there? You know his dad doesn't like you." He laughed and sat down next to Seeley. He took out his pack of cigarettes and lit one, offering the pack to Seeley. "I don't really give a fuck if John Bankston doesn't like me; I was there to pay my respects to Martha." Stated Seeley as he kindly took one of Daniel's cigarettes, he took a moment and fiddled with the label on his beer before mumbling "I saw her kid too..." he gulped down a sip of beer and then lit the cigarette "He looks just like her, man... It was fucking trippy..." Daniel nodded and sat his beer down on the ground "His name is Nicholas, I guess Nikki had to name her son after her, some ego trip thing, you remember how she was." He smirked and took a drag. "I came here to tell you something and I'm gonna do it, whether you get mad at me or not..." He took a moment to collect his thoughts and with a long sigh he finally got them out in the open. "You gotta let it go, man. Just no more contact with the family, go to the funeral, get it over with, cry, or do whatever. Then get the hell out of dodge." Daniel looked at Seeley and waited for a reply. Seeley sat there, getting angrier and angrier before he calmly looked Daniel in the eye and shook his head "No, why should I?" "Because you two were poison to one another." Daniel blurted out "You picture it as this wonderful soul releasing relationship, but it wasn't, not always. I mean, come on, Seeley... Why did you leave the army? Huh? Take a minute and think about that." Seeley took a drag and looked down at his boots. "Because of her and you can't use that against me. The son of a bitch was a little too possessive!" Seeley began to raise his voice. "YOU BEAT HIM HALF THE DEATH AND GOT DISHARGED FOR GOING AWOL AND ENDANGERING A MAN'S LIFE!" Daniel yelled. He took a minute and a few deep breaths. " Seeley, before you enlisted, before you went overseas, you were the calmest guy I knew, you didn't dare raise a hand to anyone, but afterwards.. You were different, you went looking for trouble, and it was like watching a movie and knowing how it was gonna end, and we tried to help you, but we couldn't..."  Seeley shook his head and stood up "I think you should leave." "Seeley.."  "Now, Daniel, before I endanger your life.." Seeley coldly replied before walking into the house and slamming the door behind him. He didn't care anymore, he didn't care that he didn't finish the stairs, he didn't care what his grandpa or his friends said, he just wanted to sleep, so he laid down and closed his eyes.


Seeley awoke the next day and managed to get out of bed. He walked down the hallways to see his grandfather talking to someone. His eyes still half closed he didn't realize who it was until he heard the sound of small feet on the hardwood floors. He wiped his eyes and fully opened them to see Richard standing there with his grandfather. "What are you doing.." Before he could finish, his grandfather cut him off.  "Richard and Nicholas was out running a few errands when their car broke down just up the road, so I took the old tractor and towed them down here." Seeley looked at Nicholas as his grandfather was talking, he smiled and knelt down to the small boy. "Hi, I'm Seeley." He whimpered holding back the sadness. Richard saw this and became very annoyed, but he kept it to himself. "Anyone ever tell you that you look exactly like your mother?" Seeley asked rubbing the top of the boys head. "Yes, grandma always says that, and it makes her cry, but daddy says it's not my fault." Nicholas replied, keeping his attention on the handheld video game. "He's right, it's not your fault, buddy." Seeley smiled and stood back up and tried to listen to the rest of what his grandfather was saying. "So, I told them you'd take a look at it and maybe try to fix it for them." Seeley was taken back at this "I thought I was suppose to stay away from them?" he harshly whispered to his grandfather. "Well, you never stay away from someone in need of help." His grandfather sternly replied. Seeley silently agreed and walked out to the barn with Richard.

"So, I don't know what happened, it just cut off while I was driving."Richard quietly said as he fiddled with the bottom of his shirt. It was awkward for the both of them, the man who she supposedly loved and had a child with, and the man she really loved and regretted never having children with. "It sounds like it could be the battery or the starter; I'll take a look at it." Seeley replied as he opened the hood and looked in it. "So, where did you meet?" Seeley randomly asked as he looked over at Richard. Who was confused by the question "You and Nikki." Seeley added. "Oh, uhm, after college, she moved to New York, and we met in a bar there, and after a few drinks we were already at her place." Richard smirked, trying to get under Seeley's skin. "Oh so you needed to get her drunk to sleep with you?" Seeley calmly rebutted focusing his attention on the car. Richard shook his head angrily and kicked Seeley at the knee, making Seeley fall, banging his ahead against the car along the way. "Son a bitch..." Seeley mumbled through clenched teeth as he got up, holding the now bleeding place where he hit his head. He removed his hand and looked at the blood on his fingers. "Alright, you wanna go this way, I'll go." He spat as he threw a left hook Richards way, it landed right on his jaw, sending him back. Richard quickly gained his bearings and lunged at Seeley tackling him to the ground. The men tussled on the ground before Seeley got the advantage and found himself on top of Richard, pelting him in the face fist after fist. He stopped when he saw Nicholas and Gramps watching him from the across the room, He quickly jumped off of Richard and let him get up. "It's your fault, Y'know..." Richard mumbled out of breath, his nose bleeding, his eyes black and blue, and his jaw starting to swell. "She killed herself over you." Those words hit Seeley in the core and shook his whole body. After all of this and didn't even ask how she died, and to find out this way, was earth shattering. "W-w-what?" he asked, shaking his head and muttering the word "no" under his breath. "Yeah, she always got sad this time of the year, because it was the anniversary of the day she fucked up and lost you..." Richard took a deep breath; it was hard to live in a man's shadow that didn't even deserve Nikki's love. "Y'know what I think? I think she was selfish, she had a son to take care of, but instead she let the love she felt for an undeserving asshole ruins her." He yelled at Seeley before taking his son and storming out of the barn. Seeley looked over at his grandfather who was shaking his head in disappointment. "Get yourself cleaned up, Seeley." He sighed and followed Richard to give them a ride home.  Seeley grabbed a wrench and threw it through the windshield of the car and screamed at the top of his lungs out of pure anger and sadness.


The next couple of days passed with no real significance, Seeley mostly sulked around the farm, taking quick shots from a bottle of cheap whiskey he hid in his coat. This morning was gonna be a hard one for him, it was the funeral, and he was determined to go. He woke up, scratching at his beard, and stretching before getting up and slowly making his way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Gramps was sitting at the kitchen table reading a few bills. He took of his thick glassed and looked at Seeley as he made his way into the kitchen. "Today is the day, you sure you wanna do this?" he blatantly asked his grandson. "Yeah, gramps, I have to. It's what she would have wanted." Seeley sleepily replied as he poured a big cup of coffee. "I was afraid you'd say that. I got you some disposable razors to clean yourself up. You can't go to the girls funeral looking a like a homeless junkie. " He sighed as he got up from the kitchen table. "They're in the bathroom, I got you some shaving cream too, and I suggest you get a haircut." He coldly mumbled as he walked to the door. "I'm going out of town to look at some equipment to buy for the farm; I'll be back day after tomorrow. It'll be late. Don't fuck up my house, boy. Don't steal anything either." He nodded to Seeley before walking out the door.



"Chain Smokers of America." -We Are Trees.

Seeley sprayed the shaving cream in his hand and applied it to his face. He stared blankly into the mirror at his reflection as he shaved. His blue eyes beginning to water, his lip trembled. "Damn it, Seeley. Get it together!" he whispered sternly to himself before continuing shaving where he left off. He looked at himself when he was finished, he wiped away the remaining shaving cream and blood before getting in the shower and letting the hot water cover him. He took a few deep breaths and thought about what he had to do to make everything right. When he got the idea he needed, he stepped out of the shower and looked at himself one more time and nodded. "It's the best thing." He mumbled to the reflection to reassure himself. He got ready and put on his grandfather's old suit. He headed out the door and off to the Church. He stood in the back during the outdoor service. Not making eye contact with anyone, but still looking around at all the sad people, feeling their pain, their tears hitting the grass. When the preacher finished his sermon, everyone began to walk away as Seeley walked closer. He looked down at her in the casket; her lips, her hair, her eyes, her everything just as he remembered. He grabbed her hand and bent down "I'll always love you, Nikki. Always." He felt his own tears streaming down his face as he walked away. He saw Richard and he calmed himself down enough to go talk to him. He extended his hand for Richard to shake, which he did not. "Look, I know you hate me. You have every right to, I don't blame you." Seeley calmly said as he looked into Richard's blackened eyes. "Let me do something for you, just one thing to show my respects for you and your son." Before Richard could say anything, Seeley handed him an envelope and walked away. Not to his car, not to any of the other grieving people. He just walked out of the graveyard, down the road, and back to his grandfather's home. 

Richard opened the envelope when he got back to his home. He was shocked to see a wad of hundreds and a set of car keys. He nodded and thanked Seeley to himself before walking into the living room and asking Martha to watch Nicholas as he went and retrieved the bronco.

Richard packed the old bronco with him and Nicholas' belongings; He looked down at his watch and swallowed the sadness as he looked around the home he built with his late wife. "Come on, champ. Let's get going." He smiled as he picked up his young son. "Daddy, what about Mr. Seeley?" Nicholas asked, his innocents showing in every word of the sentence. "Mr. Seeley has to take care of some stuff, son. We'll see him again one day, I promise." Richard mumbled as he kissed Nicholas' forehead before putting him in his car seat.

"The Ocean." -Noah Gundersen.

Seeley stood in front of the bathroom mirror while the room filled with steam. He watched his reflection disappear as the mirror fogged up. He took a deep breath and cut off the water in the bathtub, dragging his finger through the warmness, creating ripples, not just in the water, but almost in time. His whole life flashed before his eyes, Nikki, his parents, the army, Gramps, his endless drinking to chase a memory he should have forgotten a long time ago. "Fuck..." He half whimpered and sighed as he lowered himself into the warm water.

Richard and Nicholas had made it on the interstate; his young son was in the back, reading "Green Eggs and Ham." And gripping his mother's old teddy bear tight, Richard changed lanes, almost gliding through traffic. With the sun blaring on his face, he let a smile slip as he thought about the new life he was gonna build with Nicholas, how he was gonna be the best father he could be, because he knew it would make Nikki proud.

Seeley took a few deep breaths, grappling with what he was about to do. He took apart the cheap disposable razor, carefully grabbing the blade from it, He held it against the vein in his left wrist, taking a few more deep breaths, and then he slowly dragged it across his skin.

Richard began singing children's songs with his son as they barreled down the road. "This old man, he played one, He played knick-knack on my thumb; with a knick-knack paddy whack, Give the dog a bone, and this old man came rolling home..." He cheerfully laughed with his son. Looking through the rear view mirror at the big grin Nicholas had, and the deep dimples that once belonged to his mother.

Seeley had trouble gripping the razor, blood was pouring out, making the then crystal clear water a dark red. He let out a sob as he finally held it steady enough. This time much easier since he was already so close to death, a few quick slices, and his right wrist was letting out just as much blood as the left. He sunk down into the tub, his energy quickly fading, he looked up and saw Nikki hovering above him, he let out a smile as her hand extended to him, tears streaming down her face, her head violently shaking, her mouth moving as if she was screaming "no" at the top of her lungs. With a smile Seeley shook his head and let out "I love you..." with a whisper finally closing his eyes and finding peace.

Richard stopped at a gas station and let his son out to use the bathroom, he began pumping the gas as he waited for Nicholas to return.  He looked through the window of the bronco and saw the old teddy bear, he raised his eye brow as he opened the door and grabbed it, looking it over, and he found a hidden zipper. He looked around as almost if he was doing something bad, with a quick movement, the zipper was undone. He pulled out an old letter, a locket, and two faded pieces of paper. He opened the letter and quietly read it: "Seeley, I love you. More than anything, you're the greatest single thing to happen to me. You are my knight in shining armor who rescues me from the depths of the dragon's dungeon. Always be my knight, my protector? Love, Nikki." Richard felt a tear slip off his cheek as he opened the locket to see a picture of a young Seeley smiling, no casualties of war hidden in his mind, no heartbreak tearing through his every fiber. Just a smiling young teenager with his whole life ahead of him.







This story is dedicated to my lovely wonderful girlfriend. Happy Valentine's day, Chimen.