After a night's drive.

Deception, Outcomes So Unexpected: Suicidal thoughts. Every teenager goes through this, right? That's what I always told myself to believe. But to not fear death itself? How can that be? Is that even possible? How does a person dig a hole so deep, so inescapable that death seems to be the only realistic outcome, rather it's become an unquestioned decision. Driving home, racing a friend, rather a brother with another in his passenger seat, this was an every night occasion. Who could get to point b the fastest? I don't lose, I just don't. I don't accept a loss as silly as it may be but I refuse to lose a race between brothers through my own streets. A trip home turns into a heated battle down a narrow straight away with the darkness clouding what cars, if any, may be ahead. He jerks to the left as if he'll toy the idea of using the other lane to pass me by. So be it. 80 mph. You can't pass me when I'm moving so much faster, other lane or not. He backs off, pulls back behind my vehicle. What a pussy. If he won't ride the other lane then allow me. I insist. Maybe that's where my mind took a turn for the worst, or maybe I just now realize the severity of the darkness clouding my mind for years now. 90 mph. So be it, ill prove my point. As a slight hill comes to vision, what may lie ahead cannot be seen. But I don't pull back. In fact I speed up. Frost clouds my windows while the pedal begins to approach the floor of my vehicle. 100 mph. Here comes the hill...nothing, not a single car to be seen. But ofcourse it is almost 3am at this point. Maybe I just played my odds right. I begin to question my motives later that night as I lay in my bed. What if? What if? But I'm asking that now, why not until now am I asking these questions to myself? I seem so un phased by my actions but also so concerned as well. That's when I began to really question my sanity. See I'd thought of suicide before, numerous times. Life had been bad at times, my luck had been down. But I knew I'd never do it, I believed..no I guess, thought I'd never follow through with it. So what happened on that car ride? What was I thinking? How could I put myself in that danger? Over 100 mph in the opposite lane, no light, pitch black out, only darkness in my view and I didn't even hesitate to keep going. In fact I found myself almost hoping to see those lights, to see the headlights of another coming right towards me. The rush. Could it be that I have welcomed death so easily into my life that I've now taken it into my own hands. Can I really not fear death in its entirety? What has become of me. My life has become so worthless to my own self that I toy with these moments, they seem so sinister and comical to me in the long run. So why not? Why not play your cards out until you go bankrupt. Maybe I want to lose it all. Maybe I need to lose it all just to gain any inkling of sanity back. What will come of me?