An Overdue Change to a New Life

Jalyssa Trinity sits in her office on what seems to be another routine day at the office. She has a stack of paperwork that she should be working on, but she just can’t seem to bring herself to do it. She keeps catching herself dazing off into space, daydreaming about the world of “what if”. Wondering what her life is going to look in in ten years of the same thing she is doing now. Wondering what her life could be like if she was to step out & take a huge risk, and start even just one of the businesses she has always dreamed of. Then there’s her family, who has always discouraged her, told her that she will never succeed, that in order to provide for her children, she needs to work a 9 to 5 job, acquire benefits & a 401k, and build up a retirement. She has never been forgiven by her family for the mistakes she has made in her life; she has a small criminal record including a felony that is over 10 years old now, she has made many financial decisions & personal choices in her life that have caused more problems & hurt in the end. But does it even matter that she is totally unhappy, that she feels unfulfilled? She hasn’t completely forgiven herself for many of her choices in her life. Then she goes home at night & tries to encourage her children to go for their dreams, that they can be anything they want; all the while feeling almost like a hypocrite because there are things she wants to do & isn’t doing them. She encourages her children to dream, to explore, and to believe in the possibilities. Yet when it comes to her doing the same, for some reason she can’t seem to bring herself to do it. What is stopping her? What are the hurdles in her life that prevent her from living the same things she tells her kids on almost a daily basis? the next few weeks going over her financial files at work; her 401k, her pension, her benefits, and so on. She looks at them; she knows that those are important for her family, but she also feels like those are the only things that are keeping her there. But is it really worth it? She examines the time that she has been at the company; all the times that she has gone for promotion & been rejected for one reason or another time after time. She recalls the times she had her yearly reviews; she requested a raise, and had plenty of records & proof of achievements to show that she surely deserved it. Time after time she was denied, and told to keep working hard and “it will happen”. She looks at the photos of her kids on her desk, and remembers all the school events she’s missed, all the incidents at school she wasn’t there for, and the hours in the evening engulfed in her work while her kids had to entertain themselves with Disney movies. She can hear in her mind how even her children have grown accustom to using the phrase, “when we have the money…” All of a sudden, her heart starts to hurt; not in the way of a panic attack or something medically wrong, but more in the way like this empty feeling of guilt, regret, and disgust.

How could she have spent all this time living a life that wasn’t truly her? Yes, she has a family that she needs to provide for. Yes, she needs to be a ‘contributing member of society’, as the judge told her so many years ago. In many ways she was lucky to even be able to get the job she has. After all, she applied for several years & never even got a rejection letter. She landed this job out of a referral from her family; ironically, the same people who have emotionally & mentally helped to oppress her for the majority of her life. She tries to count up all the hours her children have had to be without her while she is working towards what has come to show nothing. Jalyssa goes home that night & sits on her couch after cooking dinner. She sits there quietly watching her children enjoy their television program, and she truly begins to think. Her daughter turns to look at her and says, “Mommy, don’t you have work to do tonight?” Jalyssa wanted to cry, but she couldn’t in front of her children. She realizes that her kids have gotten so used to the usual routine of getting whatever of her is left, of their mom being too tired to watch a movie with them, too tired to go to the park with them, or too busy to cook a meal with them. She realizes her kids have grown quite accustom to the TV being their nightly companion. She was no longer satisfied with that. She no longer can see herself living a lie. Not only is she fed up, but she’s determined more than she has ever been before.

Ironically, this hit just before her vacation time. She goes into work on her Friday before her ten days of vacation starts. As much as she hated to do it, she plugged through her daily tasks with much determination; almost to the point of frustration. She went on her lunch break, but spent it in her cubicle eating her lunch while sitting in front of a legal-size notepad & pen. Initially, it was blank for the first ten minutes. Her intention was to start to recall some of the dreams she had & what she wanted to be when she grew up. After a few minutes, a rush of emotions overcame her. She started remembering the things that she had always wanted to be, always wanted to do, always wanted to experience. For only a brief second, a reminder of all the things her family tried to tell her came back to her in a flash, but it was almost as if she swallowed it & kept pressing on. Memories, insults, and mental control were not going to keep her from finally finding out what she truly wants to be, and most of all who she truly is. By the time her lunch break was over, she had a double-category list. One side of the paper had a list of all the things she wanted to do, dream careers she once was so passionate about. On the other side of the paper she listed all the characteristics she always thought she was deep down, as well as all the characteristics she wanted to be. While she finished the rest of her day, she glanced over at that list. The more she peeked at the list, the more determined & empowered she felt to embrace the unknown journey to find the entire person she was meant to be, and the life she was meant to live. Then she went home.

Jalyssa gets home after picking up her kids from school to find a voicemail from her parents. They’ve invited her to a dinner get together at their house with some friends of theirs. She’s not sure about going to an occasion like this because she’s afraid it might turn into another Jalyssa-bashing session in front of her parents’ coworkers & friends. They brag about her accomplishments at work, and then turn around & bash the rest of her life; she’s an unwed single mother from two different fathers, she isn’t trying to pursue becoming married as she is her professional life & being a great mother. To her parents, Jalyssa isn’t fulfilling her ‘full potential’. What her family doesn’t realize is that statement alone is true, but not in the way they perceive. On the other hand, with the empowering feeling she has, maybe this would be a starting opportunity for her to finally speak up for herself with the people in her life who have been her greatest pain. After debating the possibilities of what could happen, along with the possibilities of how it could be different this time, she decided to accept the invitation. In the meantime, she decided she was going to take the list that she compiled earlier that day and put it to work. After getting the kids settled in, helping them with their homework, she made dinner. She then informed the kids, “Mommy needs some quiet time. If you need me, you can knock on my door. Otherwise, I’ll be out in a bit.” She went into her bedroom/office & closed the door. She pulled out her list, and focused specifically on the dream careers. She looked at her list & circled the five on that list that stood out to her the most, or that she felt the strongest about. She then sat down in front of her computer, and went on the internet. She took her top five on the list and did some research; qualifications, requirements, educations needed, as well as salary comparisons. She also checked out various sites where people in the various careers gathered & discussed their lives in the chosen fields. Considering her experience, skills, education, and determination, there really wasn’t much stopping her from fulfilling her dreams in one of these passion-filled careers… except her! That’s where the other side of the paper came from that listed the characteristics she knew she always was & wanted to be. She studied that list, and compared each one to who she was at the moment; it made her sick. Suddenly, the thought of being in her parents’ home playing “quiet, successful, punching bag” wasn’t as appealing. She quickly felt animosity, hostility, pain, frustration, and all the emotions that mix in together when a person realizes they let others control their entire lives over a lie. What’s even worse was Jalyssa realized she not only came to believe it, but she was living it. But did she really have it in her to do what needed to be done to not only put an end to the oppression, control, and degradation, but also to take a journey that was long overdue?