Distant

Maybe i shouldn't kill myself.

maybe after telling the words i needed to speak i can rest, i slumbered for 13 hours.. it must have tired me out, i told of the issue told of the reasons explained as best i could the situation, now i't sat writing trying not to cave in and undo all the work i've put into this, i'm on my way to being clean(er) i mean i'm not about to give up all my narcotics... la la la. la la la ooo la la la no fucking way i love those babies there here to stay..

just opiates. there the demons i fear i'll latch onto once more.

i dont care what form i get them in i just want them in. the distance the instant they hit its like space im beyond caring about what happens what i need what i have, all i need is those 2 4 10 pills just another chance to melt my mind in the trance...

i know that if i keep using i will die.i know now i have to avoid all forms or paracetamol or my insides cry.
i haven't had cocaine in 6 months, before then longer ? i always thought dust would be my angels must. but it seems my soul craves to be a smack head.. i've had no issues with not having uppers, i medicate with sedatives, suffer from respiratory distress find in painless.

when it comes to smoking though. each one a nail in my coffin. i wanna smoke smoke smoke all day every day, that i knows here to stay,

mary jane you take away all my pain. i love you.

jeezus i'm so high i may die if i go higher, i spent all my doller on this bag and now its so close to done i gotta make funds..

subbies to night to combat the demons 2 homies will be in the room wont know it but by god i hide it so well these days
no one can tell if i'm even in the haze, so messed up i guess from drugs and life itself, that barley able to speak is just another day of the week.


anyway.. back on topic back to the subject matter, i feel like crap again today, but not sad. thats important. i guess like nothing else matters,, i'm staying positive and working on ways to increase positives.
told a girl i've liked for a long time how i feel. was a weight of my chest i guess glad that our friendship is stronger then that.
working with my close friends to build a support net is what you'd call it.. i know who to go to when i need help, i know who's gunna get through
to me in the later stages with expertise from sheer practice of putting me back together,

i'm trying to be happy with who i am. while at the same time changing what i am.
i'm less angry since all of the time since i increased smoke decreased opiates, caffeine reduction helps. but sleep itself is elusive i still close my eyes until i surface, some nights better then others, i wonder if meds would help this ?

i write because if i do not write then the words inside will turn to weapons and damage my soul.

i've been lied to, cheated on, beat on and betrayed, made to break promises some thing my soul tore from.

i understand i didn't break the promise, it was she but i still broke my word by not being able to fix things.
i refuse to let that go, that is not good. i know this. but its my cross my boulder my burden. a love that was golden will never be forgotten.

its okay i've proved to myself my hearts not quite dead, love each one of my closest friends my road dogs ladies and bestest of best friends. i love my angel and my fallen angel my pocket friend and those loves so distant from way back when. because i can not stop love. it just is.
regardless of the pain i may cause from this. i refuse for love to die.

wearing the heart on the sleeve as best you do if you believe so when a strangers arm brushes apon your sleeve the chance of the moment two hearts beating together. a perfect harmony, then with a sorry or a nod you each take your leave.