Nowhere Warm

Final assignment: “Nowhere warm”
You say, come
Here. I creep
Towards you—
My eyes avert from
The mirror veiled
In the corner.

She inhaled; the crisp air cleared her conscious. She looked down below, the bustling streets busy with life. It will be tonight, she thought. After slow and meticulous planning it was here, finally here. She had no drinks that night, no substance inside her, her body the cleanest it’s been in over 5 years. The night sky was overshadowed by the great light emanating from the city. How she wished for a blackout, just for a couple of minutes so that she may see the stars before she went. She sighed and took another look down below, the height was great. But that did not matter, for the culprit was inconspicuously in her pocket. She patted it, assuring herself that it was indeed there. She wanted to be clean, well, mostly clean before she went.
“It’s almost time…” It told her, its voice hallow.
“Is it really?” She replied, “Are you not going to fight it then?”
The voice grew silent. She sighed again and closed her eyes. She could see red behind her lids. She clenched them until they hurt. When she opened her eyes again, her vision was blurry. She was welcomed with a symphony of circle lights and colors. She was amazed in the brief moment of sensory lost.
“Are you uncertain now?” The voice returned, “You must do it now.”

She nodded. Her eyes were filled with wonder and still in awe from the last sight. Then, she began to feel it, the feeling. She could feel the insects crawling just below the surface. Her fingernails dug into the skin, there was no pain. With exasperated screams, she continued to dig into her arms.
“Get them out get them out get them out!” Her eyes widened. She fell forward, her foot missing the edge of the roof. She stretched her arms before her and fell down to the city below. The air shattered.

It was 7 o’clock again. It was the same dream. The alarm rang, her hand hit the snooze, she pulled the sheet over her head, she sleeps for another 5 before the alarm startles her awake again. She’d groan and push the clock onto the floor. It made a thud on the soft carpet but the alarm kept ringing. She’d groan again and pull the sheets off. She’ll get sit up on the bed, and slouched to reach her screaming clock. She’d finally turn the alarm off, now permanently echoing in her mind. She grabbed the cup on her bed stand. A single small white tablet sat on a napkin. She picked it up next, and popped the pill into her mouth before washing it down with water. She’d get up and walk to her dresser. She pulled out her clothes for the day and head to her bathroom. Urinate, wash hands, undress, shower, wash hair, put on robe, brush teeth, blow dry hair, get dressed, shoes, and then head downstairs for breakfast all before 7:45. She sat at the empty table. Again, no one was there to greet her.

Breakfast was neatly placed in containers and left on the table. She grabbed a plate to her right, and began opening the containers. She had her usual scrambled eggs, a single slice of toast and a cup of yogurt. She silently ate her meal, giving quiet thanks after she finished. After cleaning the table, she picked up her bag and leaves to school. Classes until 3 and then the 5 minute walk back home. It was a cycle that was enforced. She was not to stray from it for it kept her grounded. Her parents said having routine made the world normal, it made life normal. Most importantly, it made her normal. She didn’t remember always having this cycle. She dreamt of long drives past the paved road, where they would explore hidden groves and far off cliffs. When she closed her eyes, she could remember her parents and the world as it used to be; in Technicolor, vivid and alive with attitude. Her world had become dull. It had become the ouroboros , fated to eat its own body forever and repeat the cycle. Those fuzzy memories receded to the crevices beneath her fingernails where others couldn’t reach.

Later that evening after dinner was had; she was in the room with her father. It was unusual for father and her to speak. Despite that, she was pleased when they did. If talks were to be had with her parents, it was always her father. Her mother wasn’t much of a talker. He began with asking her about her day, and listened intently as she recapped. He nodded to her words; his eyes looked over her head rather than her face. After her retelling, he let out a tired sigh.
“I’ve got some news for you.”
“Oh? What is it?”
“Starting tomorrow, we’re going to have to up your doses.”
“My— doses?”
“Yes, these.” He held up the familiar flat white tablet. “You need to start taking three a day now.”
“Oh, ok.”
“Don’t forget to take this one now.”
He stood up and placed the tablet on her nightstand. With a pat on her shoulder he left and closed the door behind him. She remained on the bed, her eyes focused on the 100mg tablet. She looked at her room, how normal it must look, she thought. I’ve never been normal. Kids don’t ostracize other ‘normal’ kids, did they? Why do my walls look like this, why are they normal. Why are they not… Empty? The voice was clear. Empty. The walls need to be empty. She stood up and walked to the furthest wall across from her. She took hold of the corners of the large poster on the wall and tore it down. The sound of paper ripping and the adhesive destroyed brought calm to her. In frenzy, she tore down the oppressors off her wall. She wanted her room to be clean. The ritual took an hour, more than an hour, she couldn’t tell. Her mind trudged through the screaming voices. They were loud, each sound carefully echoing off the room’s walls. Her ritual complete, she slumped onto her bed and embraced the onslaught of voices.
The walls are beautiful now, she thought. Hey, come over here, I need to talk to you.
“What is it?”
How beautiful can you think this room… No, this world can become?
“Infinitely so.”
I think I can make this world beautiful again. I can just paint it beautiful again.
She sat up in her bed again and scoured the room. She hopped off the bed and sprinted to her closet. She artfully dodged the obstacles in her way and made her way to the closet. It refused to open its doors. Her momentary persuasion got her access to its store within. From it she retrieved an old mirror that was hidden away by her mother long ago. That mirror was the site of all her nightmares. Beastly creatures climbed their way through the portal and into her room. It had terrified her, but she couldn’t bear the thought of destroying it. In a botch attempt to mend the situation, her mother had originally banished the mirror to a dark corner with a sheet draped over the front. She recalled too vividly though, that night where she awoke and even in the darkness of the room, she could see the mirror in the diagonal corner. The sheet had somehow been pulled up over the head and the little light coming through the window reflected off its surface. She could see herself in her bed, but she was not alone. In the reflection she could see that there were many others residing with her. It took one loud scream in the middle of the night to have the mirror permanently banished to a shallow closet in the room. Her mother locked the door to ensure safety. It had been several years since, but she thought she was ready now. She was too young to realize that this was the portal to her own world, where the colors were vibrant, and there was always an infinite expanse before her. This is where her old world had gone; it was locked away in the closet to which the mirror was banished. She pulled the mirror out of the dank closet and pushed it up against a wall.
“I’m sorry for not saving you sooner,” she whispered to the mirror. She picked up a dirty shirt from the floor and wiped the years of dust off the mirror. After several wipes, she could see her reflection in the ancient piece. Only the tips of her fingers touched the glass. “Please give me my old world back.”

The mirror pored over her soul and read the words within it. It understood her plea, and told her that it could not give her what she wanted unless she wanted to leave this world for her old one. She agreed without hesitation. She kneeled before the mirror and leaned her forehead against the glass.
“Julie, get off the floor we’re going now.” Julie’s mother called to her. She turned to the voice and stood up.
“Mom!” She ran to her mother and hugged her.
“What’s gotten into you?” Her mother chuckled.
“It’s been so long since you called me. I thought I was losing my identity.”
“Are you feeling ok honey? You’re being strange.” Her mother placed her hand on Julie’s forehead.
Julie said nothing and enjoyed her mother’s touch. She felt relieved, it had come back. She could feel the warmth that she craved for so long. This was the world that she had unintentionally and unjustly trapped inside a dark closet. On that night when the mirror was banished, she didn’t realize that she would be trapping herself, or that the others with her were the memories and parents she long sought after. This was her world. Julie looked up to her mom and kissed her on the cheek.
“Come, your dad is waiting.” She walked away from her. Julie turned quickly to the mirror and kissed it.
“Thank you,” She whispered before joining her mother.
Later that night, Julie’s parents found her. She was kneeling before the mirror; its shattered pieces a glistening ocean. The ocean had become the red sea without a Moses to part it. Julie was far out on that ocean, in the world she had long ago locked away as a child. Her world was as it was supposed to be, a vast Dali landscape. Her father reached out to her, but her mother stopped him. She shook her head. Kneeling before the mirror, Julie smiled, knowing her tail was not going to grow back this time.

I reached out
My hand, you
Gave me a smile.
I said— sorry mommy,
I broke the mirror.
But you smiled, still.
I knew I was home,
Finally.