The patio in the summer

She asked me what was wrong with me, and I told her that a lot of thoughts about trying to understand things makes me tired. She said I shouldn't try to understand everything all the time. I never liked those people who could just sit around and not try to make sense of things. Maybe it was really because I envied people like that but it didn't matter because I wasn't one of them. I told her after a while I started to feel detached. I don't think you are supposed to go through life feeling detached. She said no you're not, but I knew she didn't know what I was talking about because she has never felt like that. She is the type of person who was always attached to things and people so she would never feel scared. She would never let that happen. She had a steel cage around that heart of hers and nothing was getting inside to hurt it.
I asked her about her childhood because I wanted to know why she was like that. I needed to know what her life was like. She wouldn't tell me much. Just that her father left, and she played alone a lot. When she was a teenager she met a lot of men who weren't good men. I knew there was so much more but I would never know. I knew that because there were so many things I wouldn't tell her. Her or anybody. Not because I'm afraid to, I just don't know how. All I know is that everything around me felt incandescent. The air was bright until one day. Like a light switch hides a room in an instant, my mind went dark.
She said she didn't understand what I was saying so I closed my eyes and she kept drinking the tea that she made for us. I kept my eyes closed and felt the warmth of the sun of my face. I heard her turn the pages of her magazine and I felt like I hated her and loved her so much at the same time, and I didn't know how that was possible. I hated her for not knowing what happened after she left. Not trying to know. Maybe it would be too painful for her but sometimes if you love someone you have to be willing to feel pain if they feel it.
I didn't want to tell her too much about me anyway because she always tried to act like my therapist. She gave me advice even though nothing about her life would make me want to follow it. One day we might tell eachother everything unknown but that day I fell aleep under the sun and when I woke up she wasn't there.