I want to be loved

I want to be Loved

I only want one thing
I want to be loved
I want someone to hold my hand
To put their arms around me
I want to be loved

I don't want to cry for hours
I want to sleep at night
I want to be loved

Let the sadness go
and tears dry
I want to be loved
I want arms around me
I want to be safe

I want to be loved
I want to be loved
I want to be loved

Just as I am for who I am
Just love me
Love me
I want to be loved

I struggle to sense
the source of my screams
that wake me in the night

I am weary.
It's been a long road of sadness and despair

The tears are always there
Darkness surrounds me
Shadows of doubt and worry lurk nearby

Sadness is my only feeling
It's all I really understand
Crying don't change anything

Dark night of my soul is every night
It's all I know

I wonder,"Does anyone care?"
"Why don't they love me like I always love them?"

The madness of depression is dark and threatening
All my life it's been there, menacing and cruel.

I learned to pray to keep it away
And to bow
And sit quietly within the Great Stillness of Peace.

I'm still afraid and sometimes I can't sleep --
It's my life and how it is for me,
how it's always been.

Sadness, deep sadness is what I know,
It's all I've ever understood.
I know about the darkness,
I live there a lot.
I spend more time there than I want.

And I know about peace, love, and understanding.
I breathe --- and quietly return to calm.
The dawn is always near.
Here comes the sun.
It'll be a bright new day.

There's always hope.
There has to be.
I must have hope to keep going on.
And faith.
Faith's ship sails me through the darkness
into the light again.
On faith, I can rely.
There is an answer although no question.
This is the language of depression, sadness, faith,
and redemption.

Once redeemed and renewed
on into our new day we go
knowing of the dark places we have been
grateful to be alive.

I need to keep going
I can't stop now
Always I must go on
"Gate, Gate ..."
Always becoming

Moods and feelings are emotional landscape i traverse in my mind
They exists only in my separate mind
The mind that I created separate  from my true self.

To end this separation would be a goal
but the separation does not exist
except as delusion in my own mind.

There is no separate self.
Not two,
Body and mind are one
Body and mind are one.

This is not intellectual conjecture
It's direct experience
I cannot explain something that is absolute
No explanation would suffice
or is needed.

What I know or what I think I know doesn't matter
Nothing matters

I keep going
the pen glides across the lines of the journal page
rolling out words
I keep going

Looking to see what comes next
finding nothing
Falling into scribbling gibberish
what has become a favorite pastime

If I sit here and write
I don't have to sleep
to hear the ringing in my ears
to see my fears circling me
like vultures around a corpse

I'm tired of all of it
I'm very, very tired
I just want to be loved
I just want to be loved.