Realization

How the hell did this happen? She thought in panic. She sat on the couch motionless, eyes on her boyfriend. They hadn’t been going out for long; five months, to be exact. Her boyfriend was still sitting next to her, his deep brown eyes glued to the television. They had been watching a movie when it hit her.  They had only just be cuddled up together, close and comfortable like always, when the thought had struck. It had been like a colt of lightening.
No, maybe not lightening. That was too cliché and over-used. This was more like a punch to the stomach, or a shot in the arm. It was something that sent tremors through her body and set her mind on fire. She realized that there was no way to describe it without using such lukewarm terms.  It was simply the heart’s way of realizing something extraordinary and connecting with the body to let her know exactly how it felt.
Was this how it always worked? She wondered about that as she leaned into her boyfriend’s embrace. She didn’t want  him to know how she felt just yet. She didn’t want to be the first to say the three little words that could make or break a relationship.
I love you.
         Did everyone feel this way, when they finally found out they loved someone? Did they feel that sudden spark shoot from the heart, whistle through the nerves and veins, and burst into their brain? Were they also just sitting, watching reruns on T.V. and thinking of nothing in particular? Did they react the same way she did; just staring off into space, while their sweet, unassuming boyfriends had their arm curled around them, completely clueless to their thoughts?
         She tucked her feet up underneath her and snuggled closer into his arm, and felt his grip tighten comfortingly while she thought. Her initial panic was slowly waning, only to be replaced by suspicion. Did he feel the same way she did? Did he love her? If so, why hadn’t he told her yet? Well, perhaps that was an unfair assumption. After all, she was now utterly certain she was in love with him, and she was petrified of telling him. It was possible that he felt the same way and was just too afraid to tell her.
         “Are you ok, honey?” her boyfriend asked, leaning over to look into her face with worry. She had been quiet for some time now, her brain buzzing with thoughts, questions and worries. Usually she was much more talkative, but right now she really didn’t have anything to say. “Sarah?”
         “I’m all right, just tired.” She said quietly, although that was the last thing she felt. It was true; she had felt a bit fatigued when they had first started watching television. But now her whole body was filled with adrenaline, and there was not even a possibility of sleep. Nevertheless, she laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes, pretending to be sleepy. He settled back down, willing to let her doze off while he sheltered her underneath his arm.
         How was she going to tell him? She wondered as he stroked her hair. Could she just blurt it out like all those movies? But the people in the romantic comedies were usually fighting, or in a disagreement about something when they told each other they were in love. Or at least that was how it happened in most of the movies she had seen. She wasn’t about to go and make a romantic dinner, and tell him during the middle of a candlelit meal. God, how embarrassing would that be? If she told him she was in love with him, and he simply told her he did not feel the same way. Sarah shuddered, making her boyfriend squeeze her tighter.
         There were other ways; poetry, gifts, sky-writing….she muffled a laugh as she imagined the look on his face if she paid for someone to write up in the clouds I love you, by Sarah. People would think she was promoting a novel or something stupid like that. Poetry was never her strong suit, and all the gifts she could think of were too girly for her boyfriend to tolerate. What was she going to do?
         Why was it so much easier to tell a friend you loved them, but not your boyfriend, she pondered. She told her friends she loved them all the time. But that was different, she told herself. Friend-love was different from boyfriend/girlfriend-love. It was easy to say “I love you” to a friend because the chance of them not saying it back were slim. After all, why have friends who don’t love having you as a friend? With a boyfriend-or a girlfriend for that matter-it was different, because there was always the chance that they weren’t as serious about the relationship.  It could make things incredibly awkward if she told him she loved him, and he said he didn’t feel the same way.
         “I thought we were just in a causal relationship.” He would say. Sarah’s heart ached at the very thought.
         “Honey?” Sarah looked up into her boyfriend’s face, startled out of her reverie. “If you’re so tired, maybe you should go home.” He said tentatively. “Or if you want you can go nap in the other room, so the television doesn’t bother you. You don’t have to stay in here with me.”
         She bit her bottom lip. “Maybe I should go home…” she said slowly. Maybe she should take more time to think about how she wanted to say the words. But they were threatening to jump past her lips. Damn it, she had to leave, otherwise she would just say it.
         “Ok.” He said cheerfully. “Want to hang out tomorrow?”
         She nodded and stood up, desperately searching for her purse. If she said something it might just burst out of her. If she so much as sighed she might say those three little words.
         He followed her to the door, and waited patiently as she put on her shoes. When she looked up to say good-bye, he framed her face with his hands and kissed her gently. She closed her eyes and leaned into him, feeling the anxiety melt away. She loved when he did that. She loved being close to him; loved being able to smell the soft, clean scent of his clean shirt; loved being able to stand on tiptoes just to reach around his neck. She felt his arms tug her closer and sighed. She really loved him. He protected her, cared for her, and made her feel like the only one who mattered. She loved just being near him, talking or joking with him.
         He leaned away and smiled down at her. She beamed up at him, and without even thinking about it, said the words she had been thinking about all day.
         “I love you.”
         Immediately she stepped back, shocked by her own admission. She had just blurted it out. Damn it, this was just what she was afraid of. She watched his face carefully, saw the surprise and nervousness. Was he nervous because he didn’t feel the same way?
         “I-I just wanted to t-tell you that.” She stuttered, unsure of what to do. Panic had made her inch closer to the door, but hope made her stay with one foot inside the house, waiting for an answer.
         He cocked his head. “You love me?” he said it as if he couldn’t believe what he had heard.
         Oh, God. “Yes, I love you…frankly I only just figured it out.” She whispered. Crap, now she was starting to make it sound like she was going to die from it or something!
         She blinked when he started to smile. “You love me.” He said again, “You really mean it?”
         She glared, starting to get annoyed. She may be in love with him, but he was so oblivious sometimes. “Yes. I. Love. You.” she said slowly and succinctly.
         She yelped when he picked her up and hugged her so hard she couldn’t breathe. “I’ve been waiting forever to hear you say that!” he crowed. He put her down and kissed her wildly.
         “What’s gotten into you?” she spluttered when he pulled away.
         He grinned, his whole face alight with amazement and happiness. “I love you too.” He said.
         She stared at him. “You love me too?” she said, baffled. “Since when?”
         He laughed. “For a while. I’ve been waiting for the right chance to tell you, but every time I did I chickened out.” He pulled her closer. He chuckled and said into her hair, “I was so scared that you didn’t feel the same way that I just decided to keep it to myself. It’s a good thing you never keep your emotions bottled up.”
         Sarah fell into his arms, completely satisfied with his answer. She just looked up at him and smiled.