Paging Nurse Vicki

    1:30 am. A small town about fifteen minutes from the bay. She rushes through the door. "Where have you been?" I asked.
"Stopped at the store and got a few things.Haven't you missed me?" She begins to pull candy bars and a bottle of Dr. Pepper out of her purse and place them on the kitchen table." Yeah, of course." I mumbled. She reaches in the pocket of her scrubs and pulls her hand out slowly, "I got you a suprise!" she said in a playful tone. I knew what she had. I held out my hand and into it dropped six white tablets. It was hydrocodone and was a pleasant relief from the turmoil I was experiencing at the time. I reached for a glass of water and she headed off to the bathroom to shower. "Don't take them all at once,Ha!" she said, and the bathroom door closed behind her.
For some reason, I used to attract, and be attracted to. women in the medical field. Maybe it was the "Nurturing thing" maybe the shape of a woman's ass in scrub pants... I don't know. I don't care. I've since been cured of that problem for more reasons than I care to mention.
Vicki was strangely attractive.We'd been together for about a year. It was hard to pinpoint exactly what drew me in... But I was drawn. She always wore too much makeup and her hair was bleached brittle. I would always think about what my Grandfather told me. "Boy, the more makeup a woman wears the more she got to hide." You could say she looked like a drag queen at times, but, there was no doubt in my mind that she was anything but a woman. Yes she did look rather nice in a pair of scrub pants and she was a bit of a nurturer. I'm just saying...
We met at the local hospital.She was a nurse on the second floor and I was a maintenance guy from the basement.She left the hospital to work in a nursing home for reasons, which, at the time, were unknown to me. I left to find a less traumatic and depressing job. We had an agreement that I would care for her three daughters, ranging in ages seven to sixteen, and keep up the house until I found a job. It didn't take long for us both to get comfortable with the situation.There were plenty of good times and I really did enjoy being with her. But I just didn't feel like the connection was "locked in"
Tension began to surface when I noticed her trips to the shower were more frequent and lasting longer.I began to suspect she might be taking more than a handful of pain pills.It seemed odd, as well, that after "shower time" it was bed time.Both sexually explicit and, more recently, not. The more I questioned her about it, the more my life became difficult. I soon found myself waiting for her to work one of her dayshifts and the girls to be in school so I could begin my investigation. I remember Frank, a co-worker, telling me, "If there's somethin' you don't wanna see...Don't go lookin' for it.". That made sense, but, I wanted to see. I was very proud of my meticulous attention to detail and my ability to think like someone that had something to hide. Been there done that.The results were fruitful and not suprising. I managed to find six empty ampules of Phenagren(sp?), about ten empty ampules of Demerol, random pills, four syringes, one with a severely bent point, a scarf in the medicine cabinet,and a pair of gel breast enhancers... I'm all for catching a "buzz" every once in a while, but, Damn, girl! You might be better off just shooting heroin!
I remember when I figured out what she was up to. We met her whole family at a local skating rink for her youngest daughters birthday. She was incredibly anxious when we first arrived. Once the family showed up, she bolted for the bathroom. When she came out, she was calm and somewhat flirty. I noticed she had a bandage around her hand and it seemed to be a little swollen. Knowing she was not hurt prior to her hour in the bathroom, I asked her what happened. She began to tell me some thing about moving something at work and, boom! It hit me, " This bitch is shooting up!" There was the rational part of me that needed to know for sure, and, the addict part of me that became somewhat jealous that she was getting higher than I was...Pathetic, either way.
So...Here we are. She has been in there for an hour and a half and I know exactly why. Feeling the effects of the two and a half Vicodin I just took, I begin to clean the house in places that aren't usually cleaned. I felt a little burst of warm happiness comes over me and I could have cleaned all night. That opiate-based euphoria was to be short lived.The bathroom door opens and "Little miss sleepy-head" waltzes out of the bathroom onto the couch, stopping to pat me on the head like a dog. I realize I'm on all fours, with a rag, wiping down the baseboards. Her baseboards.I abruptly stand and get a little reeling sensation.My head takes a few seconds to catch up and I sit beside her. She is smoking one of those 120's and it looks like she's chewing on a pen."Do you love me...Really, really love meee?" she purrs in my ear. With a big sarchastic smile, I mutter, "That depends...How long will you be awake?". Her facial expression changes to a scowl."What is that supposed to mean?". I just look at her and smile again. "Nothing,what do you want?" She puts the cigarette out and opens the soda."Would you fix me a bowl of Malt-o-Meal?" "Sure." I say and get up to go in the kitchen."What? no kiss?" I lean over and kiss her on the top of the head. "Gee,Thanks." and she puts the half smoked cigarette back in her lips and lights it. I start boiling the water and a feeling of dread comes over me. It's time... Time for "The confrontation". My codeine enhanced bravado has determined that this is the moment.
It has also guaranteed that I will not handle this in a proper or well thought out manner.
I look into the living room. She has the junkie head-droop working overtime and the cigarette is just about to fall... there it goes, onto the carpet. The carpet I just vacuumed before the girls went to sleep. I pick up the smoke and put it out. I pull her head up and she's drooling on herself... wish I had a camera.What a pure vision of beauty...sigh... I shake her a little and she comes to life, sort of. She's able to focus and she looks at me and sleepily smiles. "I guess I dozed off.Heh,heh." I turn my head away from her. Words and sentences begin forming a pattern and grouping together in my head. I know that this could mean the end of our relationship, the end of a place to stay, and the end of any little "Pharmaceutical vacations" I might be taking in the future. So be it.This is toxic and if it continues, I know myself well enough to know that it won't be long before it will be my turn in the bathroom. I don't need that shit! Went down that road with coke and I swore never to return. If she's not goinna be honest and let me try to help her, then. it's time to go.
"I guess it's hard to stay awake when you're shooting fucking Demerol into your hands,or have you started sticking behind your knees already?" A little spark of clarity makes a connection in her brain and her whole physical demeanor stiffens. I tighten the rope around my gloved hand and dig my spurs into the thighs of the beast. The horn blows and the gate slings open.This is gonna be one helluva a ride.
I remember my grandma tellin me,"Young man, If you know what's good for ya, never confront an alchoholic. especially when he's drunk!"...I know, from what I've seen, that the same applies to any addict. I know what's coming.
I try to take pride in my ballsy intro to the situation, but the look of rage on her face sucks that notion into oblivion. I am starting to feel afraid. "And just what in the fuck is that supposed to mean?" She is now standing about a foot in front of me.I can feel her heated breath and she is looking at me like a curious alien that has possibly found a meal. " I know what you're doing in the bathroom and probably in the parking lot at work before you come home! I called and Lisa and she told me you clocked out hours ago but your car was still outside.She said you sit there in your car alot." she turned away and started angrily, pacing the floor.I continued," I went through this house with a fine tooth comb and found all your little hiding places so don't try to deny this bullshit!" She stopped cold."You did what?"... She rushed towards me, stopping just short of head-butting me. If it came down to it, I would not hesitate to physically defend myself against this woman. She was stark raving mad at this point and capable of almost anything, considering she would not feel a thing and was out of her mind before this ever started.
"I can't belive you! I've trusted you with my children and my home! I've trusted you and this is what you do?" she got quiet and grunted through her teeth."You bastard! You don't know what the fuck you're talking about! How do you know that I didn't bring that home from work and hid it so you wouldn't think..think...this bullshit! You invaded my privacy like that?" I raised my voice and responded." First of all, I know that you're supposed to put that shit in a biohazard container or a sharps box! Second, you know what I've done in my past. Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out?" she started screaming "You are a liar and you're evil!,You've betrayed me and my daughters over some paranoid fantasy! Why are you doing this?" "Look" I yelled, "I had to find out if the woman who brought up the subject of marriage the other day, was at least going to be honest about shootin the fuck up! I had to know for sure and I knew you wouldn't tell me!" She walked to the middle of the kitchen and looked down "There is nothing to tell... You are just looking for a reason to leave, aren't you?" "No" I said, and approached the kitchen door."Yes you are...You piece of shit! I make a little comment about marriage and off you go? Is that it? just abandon me and the girls all together.You chicken shit..." I stop her."Look Vicki! You have a problem with this shit and you need to get some help otherwise you're going to drown in a bowl of Malt-O-Meal,or set the house on fire, or god forbid wreck your car and get killed!".She snapped her head up"Now you care? Now you give a shit about me?...I want to know. Did you ever love me? You told me you did! did you?" I just looked at her "I let you fuck me, I fed you and made sure you had whatever you needed. I welcomed you into my home and this is how you show appreciation? That's real mature!" I felt a sense of urgency to wrap this up and get the hell out. She continued to scream"You know, your little drug addict ass didn't have any problems taking all the pain pills I brought you! Did you?" she becan to speak mockingly," Aren't you the one that said "I like taking these before we have sex.They make it feel better." was that you pill head?" I then decided to take a vow of silence as she ranted circles around me, I paced the house as she made every effort to belittle, humiliate and dehumanize me.The only thing I really heard was, "So coward, are you leaving? go just get your shit and leave!" over and over, usually,followed with "So tell me...Do you love me or not liar?" this continued until daylight. With every moment of my silence she began to get more animated, waving her arms and sticking fingers in my face. I finally started packing my things. Her tactics changed. She began crying."I can't believe you're going to do this to me!" I just looked her in the eyes and stepped around her as I headed for the front door. "Three boxes."I thought."Is that all I have here?"
By the time I got the third box in the car, I began to sense things were going in the right direction. She stood in the doorway and as I approached the house to see if I missed anything, she grabbed my shoulders and stuck her face close to mine."Please don't do this!" she cried. " I'm not doing all that!" I pulled my head back and looked at her swollen eyes."You are doing "all that" and I'm leaving." she started to get angry and again I was a "coward" ,a "chicken shit" and "evil". Without turning my head I shouted in a very flippant manner "All you had to do was be honest!" and I shut the car door. After I backed out onto the blacktop, I looked towards the house to see her standing on the front porch cryin'...And that was it...It was like a country song.
I found out later that she was fired from the hospital district for taking patients medication, including Demerol, I learned that she had been in trouble before for faking prescriptions and that her trips to the "Doctors office" were actually court ordered NA meetings and legal proceedings to try to get her nursing license "un-revoked". A mutual friend said she was still at the nursing home and was about to be remarried. "Whew!" Maybe that won't come back to bite me in the ass later." I thought to myself.
Overtime, I've come to realize that I was delusional, as well. I was in denial of our relationship and it's meaning, not to mention, my own drug addiction. I was really surprised that I was able to just cut someone from  my life, like that. But, I did...No regrets.