Where am I?

Where am I? Spiritually, where am I?  I am lost. I cannot locate the inner person that has been with me my whole life. Thinking back to younger ages, I can't remember who I am. I'm searching aimlessly; desperately trying to resurrect the person that once was, but no longer can be found. The outer shell of a person I am now, screaming from the inside. I try to hear myself, to see myself. Who are you? What have you done with the girl that once was? I try to recall past feelings, thoughts, actions. I can't. Why can't I remember who I was? My dreams, visions, desires. There is no recollection of any of these.

Where am I? Who is this shadow of a young lady looking my way? Hollow eyes glaring out from a hollow soul. I know she wants to be happy. Here, take my hand. Where are you? Where did your Spirit go? Why do you find it so hard to be happy? No wait, don't leave again. I can't see you. Behind my eyes, the world doesn't see me. No one knows who I am. How can they? I don't know who I am. I'm gone. I've been gone all of my life. How can this be? How can someone go their whole life and not know who they are?

Problems, anger, hurt feelings, lies, manipulations, mental abuse, physical abuse. There's the other girls laughing at you again, making fun of you. Make them stop. How can they be so cruel, they don't even know you. Why do you take their abuse? Fight back, say something. No, I do nothing, like always, because deep inside it is what I believe I deserve. Do they not know how deep their words go? For someone whose soul already feels dead, it makes the wound bigger.

Wait, where are you? Do you think a boy can give you the love you need? That is not what you need. Don't do it. I want to be loved. I want someone to really know me like no one else has. I have been aching to be loved, now I can be. No, not like that. There is still plenty of time, you are young? Am I? How can I be? I have already felt hurts that only adults should feel. All is not lost, there is still time. No, it is too late. I have already crossed the line and cannot go back. Where is the love that was suppose to be? Again, there is the pain. Why? How can endure this much pain in life. Who is that? Who is this young lady, wandering through an adult world searching for happiness?

Where am I? I know I'm a teenager, who is this man wanting to love me? Does he? Please don't, he is just like the other one, but worse. No, he can take me away from all the pain I grew up with. You can't, he will just destroy you will and desires more. How could he hurt me like that? I believed him and he hurt me. Why would he want to be with someone else? Didn't I love him enough? And how could he hurt me the way he did? Hitting me? What did I do that was bad enough to be hit? All I did was love him. You deserve better. No, no I don't. No one can love me. There isn't anything inside of me left to love. Who am I? I've got to get away from here. Don't leave. I have to. Maybe things will be better once I get away, far away.

Where am I? Although I left that place, I brought the same hollow, confused, shell of a young lady I left behind. You should of known it was going to happen. You can't escape. There you are, hitting the bars and getting drunk still. No, it's different now, no one knows me, I can start over. Then do it, find some one to love you as you are. Why do you have to drink? I'm not able to open up to people unless I do drink. And look, people like me. No, they are just seeing a pretty, young thing that they may can take advantage of. And look, you haven't been with anyone yet, but still the rumors start. Here look, who is this man? He says he loves me, but how will I know for sure? This time you need to hold out on your heart. Do not open your heart wide open again until you know, without a doubt, that this is the man where your happiness lies.What about the age difference though? Isn't he too old for you? I agree, he is somewhat older, but couldn't that be a good thing? The men close to my age cheated on me, used me, the hurt me. The age difference may be what I need. The younger years are gone behind him and now he is ready to settle down with one woman the rest of his life, and I will be her. Just make sure you love him also. Well, I already do.

Where am I?