Arlington

That was where I first met him. In a place so full of sadness and longing and history that it took me by surprisethat I found something that attractive and full of life in a place like this. He was in a uniform, which imediately made me stare. It wasn't the fact that he was so intense and I wasn't the only one looking at him, I could tell just by looking at him he was more than some army slave. He was meant to do more than just follow along with a drone who stared at thim and barked orders. When he was walking that straight line as he changed guards with the other soldier I knew that I was destined to know him. Little did I know tht he life would change mine so fast.

I watched the whole 10 minute ceremony without blinking. The whole time I was staring at him, and like a 15 year old girl, I thought he was staring back at me too. He had dark, closely cropped army cut hair, steel blue eyes, and a dark tan. I found this rather odd since it was mid March when I saw him for the first time. It was my first college spring break and instead of going with all other sorority girls down to PCB to drink jello shots and partake in wet tshirt contest. I decided that I would go with a few of my closest friends, Sarah and Damien to Washington DC to be a part of history. There were a bunch of rallies we were gong to be a part of, everything from anti-war, to green peace, to gay rights. Afterall, we were all just a bunch of modern day hippies trying to save the world one issue at a time.

Although we spent most of the two-weeks on The Hill, protesting and yelling and meeting people that shared the same causes, this usually led to drinks after. Since I was only 19, when we would go out I would always be the designated taxi hauler/ Metro navigator. Damien had an awful habit of singing Cher at the top of his longs while Sarah screamed "Why can't we be friends?!" for the whole ride home. I usually just laughed and kept to myself while Sarah and Damien would try to get every guy in the bar. It was like a secret competition between them, where Damien would usually end up victorious. This would only get Sarah more competitive and work harder to wear a lower cut shirt, or a higher cut skirt the next night. However, on this night, we decided to check out the sights from DC while we could.

We went up the Washington Monument, walked to mall, and saw the memorials for World War 2, Vietnam, and the Korean War. However, there was something that I wanted to see, General Lee's house in Arlington Cemetary. It had the greatest view of the capital and it was always on the lists of best views in the whole city. It creeped out Sarah and Damien that we were going to a cemetary at all, but I wanted to look around. We asked for a map at the visitors center, and decided that we would walk around the cemetery instead of taking the tour. We figured would could do it, and whatever we saw was what we were meant to see. We were all big into fate and destiny and knew that we would just let our feet take us where they wanted to go.

As we headed up the steep hills of the cemetery, we got an impromtu tour of the touristy sites from a man who happened to know the area well. When we asked how he knew it so well, he explained that his son who worked here, and didn't explain much more about it. He showed us the Kennedy's (all of them) grave sites. Taft's grave site. As well as some of the better known soldiers burried at the site. He explained that they can fit multiple people into a grave site so they can all be together in the after life. I fould this poetic, while Damien and Sarah replied in unison "EWWWWW". We continued the tour and when the man stopped at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, he said, with a smile on his face, that we were just in time to see a show.

I tried to find a place in the middle to see everything and started taking shots with my old Polaroid, you know, the kind that print the pictures right then and there. I always felt that it was more personal, and I hate the waiting. I'm also notorious for never getting pictures printed and is constantly used as a joke with friends and family. I started snapping away at the farthest guard who looked like he should be there. His suit was emaculate, he was well groomed and his uniform was neatly pressed and his gun was shining in the early sunlight. He looked deligent and ready to defend his post if anyone dared to take it.

Yes, the man looked attractive, but the man next to me looked far more attractive. I caught him looking and I immediately blushed. I took another snap as the guards met in the middle of the tomb to exchange positions. The man next to me was standing extremely tall, at attention almost. It wasn't until I happened to look down that I realized that I handn't seen his camoflauge uniform and name tag that read Peacely. I found it ironic that a man in the army had the word "peace" in his last name. When the ceremony was over and the bystanders all left to look at the other parts of the cemetery, I saw that the soldier was still staring at me. When he winked I must have turned 15 shades of pink. He smiled and said his name was "Kyle". I laughed and responded "I'm Reagan".

I knew it was all over.
I stopped hanging out the Damien and Sarah and the times I could I would meet up with Kyle.

As we were watching the people in the mall sitting on the steps leading up to the Lincoln Memorial staring at the reflcting pool, Kyle had told me that he use to be a guard at the Tomb. He said that it was intense work, but it was safe. I admired him that he wanted to preserve his body and not go to war to kill someone who never did anything to him directly. He told me that after getting sick of watching people stare at him day in and day out, every half our, 24 hours a day. That he needed something more. He went to his officers and decided that he would get out of the service and become a doctor, but when his best friend died from cancer, he couldn't go back into a hospital. He was lost and couldn't find someone to talk to about it, so he re-enlisted. He said that he needed to take out the hatred and anger he felt inside. I thought that was admirable. I found it sad, and brave all at once. I told him that and he said that we wasn't. He said that it was the "cop-out way to do things", that he should have just dealt with the pain he was feeling. He went on to tell me about how scary it is in the Middle East and that he hated fighting someone that didn't do anything to him, but that he had to because when he saw them, he saw the fear that he couldn't battle.

Then he turned to me and asked what I liked to do. He asked about my life. I told him that I grew up in a small town in the midwest, and I was going to school for something I wasn't sure of. I knew I wanted to help people, and leave my mark on the world. I told him that I wasn't a Democrat nor a Republican. I hated lables, the war, polution, and fake people. I talked about my father issues and how he left my mom and I, who remaired but never seemed to recover from the hurt she felt by him. I said that I wasn't sure how I felt about him, which made him perk up.

"What do you mean" he asked.
"I'm not sure. You strike me as the 'Love em and Leave em' kind of guy".
He laughed, "You know, I've only had 2 serious girlfriends in my life, both of which ended things with me".
"Oh, I'm sorry". I felt like such a complete idiot.
He laughed and said it was no big deal, that he knew they weren't for him anyone.
"It's hard to find a girl who can love a soldier, but I think you could".
"It's only been a few dates Kyle, for all you know, I could be a stalker" I tried to sound creepy but it didn't work.
"Right" He laughed."I'll keep it in mind if I ever see you watching me sleep".
I giggled and turned to look at the reflecting pool.
When I looked back, Kyle was looking at me intently.
"Do I have something in my nose I asked".
"I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone." He looked very serious, which made me nervous.
"Alright..."
"I don't want to go to the base anymore. I don't want to go away and I think I'm actually going to leave the army."
"Good for you Kyle. You should do what makes you happy."
"You don't understand. I'm not happy here anymore. Everywhere I go, I don't feel home. I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to, there is no one that understands me. I've seen a lot Reagan. More than you could expect. And I mean why shouldn't you? You are only a Freshman in college, you have your whole life ahead of you. Go out and be who you want to be. Don't let anyone get in your way". His voice was rushing around trying to find something to grasp onto.
"I love you" I told him I couldn't stop it before the words could stop them. I don't think that my eyes have ever been this been as they were when those words came out.

I knew that they were true though, I knew that when I said them that I told him that I meant it and that I shoudn't be afraid of the words. However, I couldn't look at him for a few minutes and just stared at the water.

When Kyle finally spoke he turned and had tears in his eyes.

"Reagan, you are sweet and I know what I said. You could love someone in the army. You have that mentality, the heart and I have loved talking to you. But I am not someone you want to be a part of."
When I looked at him quizically as he explained further.
"I'm going to kill myself. I'm going away and won't be coming back. I knew it, I have this feeling that it will happen and I have accepted it and if I fall in love with you the I won't want to except it anymore and it will be that much harder for me when it does happen."

I started to cry.

I asked him to not say it back, but to try to keep in contact with me.

For the first few weeks he was away he wrote me, he told me about the sites, and the people and his fears that he was getting closer to dying, and further from me.

It made me want to cry out of sadness and joy. He had finally admitted that he was in love with me, but said that when he went away, that I couldn't be upset. That it was a part of life that he had accepted and I had to as well.

2 weeks came and I hadn't heard from him, then came 6 weeks.
10 weeks past before I got the news.

Kyle had been investigating an area where Iraqi soldiers had been known for starting riots as well as killing women and children who had been seeking refuge in the desert. He caught a bullet in the neck and had bled out. What they also told me was that he had also been diagnosed with lung cancer just a few months before we had met and decided not to seek treatment. The fear and anger that he felt after losing his friend was the same fear and anger that he was feeling about himself. He knew that he wasn't coming back, not because he wanted to, but because he knew that either way he wouldn't make it out of the desert.

I hadn't cried that hard ever in my life. For weeks I wouldn't leave my dorm room until I got his last letter.

Dear Rea,
I know that by the time you get this I would have either been too sick to realize what was going on, or dead. I'm so sorry I never told you earlier, it just would have made it more real for me and it was selfish but if you didn't know that was easier for me to get to know you. It was selfish but I got to be myself while I was with you. Please don't cry too hard for me. You said that you wanted to do something with your life, so go out and do it. Be who you want to be. Go out and make something of yourself. I dare you to be great. Greater than I am. Find a way to cure the disease that kills so many people. Find something, anything, everything that you want to find and make it your lifes work. I loved you and will always love you. that day in Arlington I knew that you could change my life and you did. You made me want to fight this, but I'm glad I didn't. Everything I chose to do in my life was how I wanted it to happen. I'm so sorry I left you. But I'm so much happier that I knew you and loved you and that you loved me. Thank you for making my life as best and you could.

Kye

P.S. Go to where we first met, I have someone there for you.

I followed his last request and went to Arlington on the next break I had. It was a lot colder which I felt was appropriate since everything felt colder without him. When I wound my way up the hill to the Tomb I was alone, the guards weren't changing but the man who I had met the first day I met Kyle was there. He looked at me with sad, knowing eyes.

That's when it clicked.

He was Kyles father. His name was Michael Peacely and had been a General in the Army. All of his sons had been in the military but Kyle was his favorite son. He cried as he told me about Kyle's life and about how he should have known what was going on. He was happy that his son had fallen in love and felt sorry that he couldn't have seen us together but thankful to me for keeping him alive for as long as he did. He told me about the funeral and that he was burried here and invited me to see him whenever he wanted. We both cried and when I left I felt that I was weaker now than I ever had been.

I left and went back home and transfered to Georgetown. I still go running in Arlington and stop to talk to Kyle. I still write him letters and decided to major in political science and English to become a lawyer to help anyone who needs it.

Although Kyle is gone, I undertsand myself and him better than I ever could have. He gave me the push to be better than myself and I am always thankful of him. I became closer to my own father and started dating a guy who is in the Army. He is a member of those men who guard the Tomb and I feel that he knows what I am going through. We both talk to Kyle.

Arlington will always be a part of my life and know it is almost a second home. I am tied to a place that is free of me. Where no one really cares if you visit because they can't talk back, but every once in a while on a summer day when I get a random breeze flows through my hair that I feel him. I will always love him, and Arlington.