Invisible

SHADOW...
that should have been my name when I was born,
Jamie doesn't fit.
Jamies are strong, open, and free people, who make friends. They speak their minds, and are beautiful. They find themselves beautiful in every way. Jamie?
No.
I'm Shadow.
Never noticed. Never thought of. Silent. Friendless. Alone.

It was meant to be this way. I already knew that. Why I tried to pretend that my life should be like everyone else was a mystery I don't think I will ever find out. Why I cared, however, was an even bigger mystery. Certain questions would often bother my thoughts. Why is it that nothing ever goes the way I plan? Why can't I be good at one thing, for once in my life? Is it because I've done bad things? To myself, my friends, my family? Is it because I was just born into a bad family? Is that why nothing I say seems to be heard by anyone? And why, for the life of me, am I writing this? No one cares about the thoughts of a sixteen-year-old fuck up. But I'm continuing. If I don't, these thoughts will make me hurt again. And I'm tired of hurting. Tired of bleeding. Tired of caring.
I really noticed that I was a shadow a little more than a year ago. When I thought, mistakenly, that I was in love with someone who would hurt me the most. That's the magic of being fifteen. Nothing bad will happen, and when someone says they love you, in your mind, they do. He was an "emo" guy, and i was known to the world as an "emo" girl. I knew I was being selfish. He was hers. My dear friend Danielle. And I shouldn't have gone near him, even a month after they broke up. He made her poor depressed soul think he loved her. Two months later, I was happier than ever. For the first time, I had a group of friends who were considered to be kinda cool. They accepted my habits, and wouldn't question any cut on my body. I could be free. Danielle was upset at first, but got over it. I think. I'll never know now I guess.
She left. Gone with a whisper from the wind.The cold, snowy, wind, that would be the last weather she would ever see. She tied herself in the basement and let go, upturning everyone's lives who knew her. While she was in the hospital, he forgot me for my best friend Shannon. Everyone always looked past me to Shannon. She was thin, tall, and a completely ditsy brunette.More confident, and more easy to have sex with, than I was. I wanted to see Danielle. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, but I couldn't. I wasn't allowed.Every one blamed me for dating him.Even he blamed me. They never saw how long her pain was in her eyes though..
But, being fifteen, I believed them. They threatened me. They stepped on me. They told me to kill myself. And at times, I wanted to. It would only be right, wouldn't it? An eye for an eye. I didn't though. Instead, I took to cutting myself like I had done so many times before, I was too weak to kill myself. Too scared. Once again, I was alone and hated by all. Just like in elementary school and middle school. Why should high school be different?
Even my teachers seemed to forget me. I don't know how many papers they never gave me. I don't know how many times I had raised my hand to answer or ask a question, and had the teacher turn. Most importantly, I don't know why.
Did I not belong in AP Classes? Did they know what had happened? Did they blame me too? Did they think of me differently after seeing me cry in their class? Worst of all would have been if they had known my life outside of school.

I guess I didn't belong in AP classes. I was poor, with a broken down house that I was scared to sleep in, yet grateful it was there. With barely enough food to keep me going through out the day. With a drunk father swearing at me and reminding me of how pointless I am, and how stupid I was. He reminded us daily that we made him want a bullet in his head. My mother never did much. She would look after my sister's destructive kids and clean up when she felt like it. I was only talked to when they needed something, even someone to whine to real quick. I never let them know when I was upset, angry, or hurt. I was scared they would think of me as crazy, like my older sister. We cant forget my perfect brother, prince of the house. He was nice, but awkward and weird to talk to. My other brother later revealed his boyfriend to us, which wasnt that big of a surprise. They all got along really well, but I was an outsider...Thats not a good feeling when you feel that way in your house.
Winter turned to Spring, as it generally does. By that time, I had accepted that I was invisible and nobody liked me. My grades were so far down that I couldn't pass. I passed two classes that year. I would be a "fresh-more" the next year. I had given up. i started skipping school, drinking, smoking weed, not eating right or sleeping, and I felt no need to. My life was the typical out- of- control- teen movie. And I was loving every minute of it. No one would notice if I had cut again, smoked before school, skipped school, or almost passed out on the ground. That's how my new friends were. They didn't care as long as they were high. That's when I met another untrustworthy friend, who became little more than that when we kissed. He wanted more than I was willing to give. My virginity. So he skipped me and went to Shannon. Never saying one word to me.
As I write this.. I can't help but thinking that I was the biggest idiot. I had trusted that girl a lot before, and she had always screwed me over...That time was no different. So I quit talking to them. That's how I coped with pain. put your tail between your legs and run away, like a wimpy pathetic animal, scared to be hurt.
I would sit there at the park for hours alone, just writing, and watch the world change as much as myself. Alone, scared, yet happier each day. Then we talked again. Shannon wanted to stay the night so we could "talk." at about 12 a.m. we left to go to Jimmy's. He was a friend of hers that she had just dumped from boyfriend position. She got mad at me, and Mike, a mutual friend, took her side. I was alone, and Jimmy told her she could stay the night.
So after sitting alone in Jimmy's room for a while, he came in. We talked. He won me over in a matter of moments. Mike walked me home, and Shannon didn't speak to me again. Jimmy did.
He was one of the few who had ever noticed the good parts of me. I would stay late there at nights, or even stay the nights. We would look up videos on youtube, and laugh, then watch t.v. I remember the look in his eyes when he asked me "Can I kiss you?" and how speechless and excited I was. I hadn't felt that happy in a long time.
It broke my heart the night he found the cuts etched into my arm, and begged me to quit. But I couldn't. Only worse was the times he'd beg me to eat, or stand outside the bathroom door to make sure what I did eat didn't get flushed. But he stayed with me. And I'm sure he will for a long time. I gave him everything this past year, and he has done the same for me. Around him, I'm Jamie. Not Shadow. He'll never meet Shadow.
The other four days of the week that I don't see him (he moved) I am Shadow. Called upon when needed for the convenience of a cool breeze, then left to stay when they are cooled and wait when they are cooled until they need me again. My life is lonely, and getting expelled didn't help, but I'm taking it one day at a time. Living my life as a shadow. Its peaceful, I am learning, and kind of happy when I leave and want to be alone to just sit under a tree and write or think. I have a lot that has happened in my life to think about, and I have a lot to plan for in the next few months. But the things I remember, Shadows are strong. They see everything around them without being noticed. Shadows know weaknesses and strengths, and shadows watch, willing to disappear when they spot they aren't wanted. Shadows loyally follow those who could be dangerous and leading them to the dark, where they will disappear. But shadows always come back. You can't bring us down for long.