Transending Eternity

         He was eighteen and the love of her life. Here it is thirty-seven years later and she can still feel the same about him. She can still remember the day they met.

         It was a cold February day in 1972. She was visiting her aunt and uncle in Denver, Colorado, trying to get ready for her up coming wedding in April. She was marrying Danny, her aunt's brother and had been writing to him since she was thirteen. She was now almost eighteen.

         Danny and Jerry were cousins and this story is about the love that grew between her and Jerry during those last few months of Danny's life.

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         Even though you think you know how your heart feels and your mind knows all the right answers, sometimes something will happen that can blow your heart and mind right into left field. That's what happened to me.

         I came back in Febuary of '72 to Denver to prepare for my wedding to Danny. Danny and Jerry were third cousins, but were more like best friends or brothers. I was seventeen at the time, Danny was twenty-four and Jerry was eighteen. The three of us were constantly running around together, spending many days and nights hanging out, riding around on country roads, singing and going back to Jerry's place to play cards.

         His name was Jerry Bonham. He had such a warmth and kindness to him that few people had. You could look into his soft blue eyes and see such a depth to them. It was as if when he looked at you, you knew he could see right through to your soul. But there was something about Jerry only a few family members knew. I noticed Jerry didn't have as much strength as most young men his age and at times it was almost as if you could see a mild yellowing to his skin while under a certain light, like a bulb hanging over the kitchen table while we sat there and played cards.

         I remember always being in the middle sitting between the two guys while we were out driving around in Danny's car going down country roads or sitting by a lake where the moonlight would glisten across the dark, muddy waters. We'd go to ice cream socials and dance to soft country music. It was always Jerry who would ask me to dance. He'd listen as I'd talk and pour out my heart. The three of us would just sit in silence a lot of the time too.

         Danny and I never seemed to agree on much. His father was an alcoholic and Danny was constantly having to deal with that. What was worse was after three years of knowing someone, writing back and forth, day after day, I realized I didn't feel the same way about Danny as I did Jerry. Danny never made me feel the way Jerry had and I've never come close to that feeling for anyone since. I didn't know what to do at this point. I knew I cared for Danny, but I knew I didn't love him. What wasn't good was the wedding was less than eight weeks away and everything was already set in motion. So it was agreed between me and Jerry to go ahead with the wedding plans for April 15, 1972. even though I knew where my heart belonged, I knew deep down I had no other choice.

         By the time March came, things for me and Jerry had become pretty strong. But Jerry's physical health began to worsen. We had spent so much time together and even though I wanted to end the relationship with Danny and begin a life with Jerry, I knew it would never come to pass. You see Jerry was dying. He was one of five siblings born with Chronic Bright's Kidney Disease. http://www.doctortreatments.com/Chronic-Brights-Disease.html
It is a genetic disease which affects the kidneys and usually is not treatable because it's often caught too late. Jerry's older sister died the year before during her eighteenth year, leaving behind a young husband.

         It was during an outing at a friends house the three of us were on that Jerry and I ended up alone together. Danny had taken off somewhere else in the house which left me and Jerry alone. Up until this point in time we both knew our feelings for each other and so we tried to keep a distance between us because we didn't want to hurt anyone, especially Danny. I went into the kitchen unaware that Jerry had watched me go in. I remember it being really dark and cold outside as I stood by a window and looked out at the large field ahead of me. The moonlight made the snow glisten like diamonds across the field and I just stared out at it all. Jerry had come in, softly calling my name. He walked up behind me and in a soft whisper only I could hear, he asked if I was alright and what was on my mind. I had been crying. I explained to him that I was thinking about what was happening to me, how unhappy I was about marrying Danny. All I could focus on was what I really wanted and what I knew I could never have. He took a deep breath and turned me to face him. As I looked up at him, I saw tears welling up in his eyes. When he spoke, he had the slightest quiver in his voice and he explained that though he felt the same, though he loved me as much and wished it was us getting married instead, he could not do to me what her sister had done to her husband. He knew he was going to die and could not give me the kind of life he knew I wanted and deserved. He told me that though he loved me, he wanted me to continue on with my wedding. He said this way he could at least die in peace. All he could offer me was his heart and his love. He said that he would have at least a small piece of mind knowing Danny would take care of me after he was gone.

         It was then I felt my heart break, as if I already knew I would never find this kind of love ever again. Jerry's love was so unselfish and more caring than any man I would ever come to know. At that point I wanted to throw away everything and spend the rest of my life with Jerry. After a few moments spent in silence, feeling as if no one else in the world existed, he dropped me from his embrace. I told him how I wanted to break it all off with Danny and that I'd be willing to be with him no matter how short a time it was. I wanted only him and I loved only him. But Jerry had said for us this could never be. He didn't want to leave me a widow at such a young age, as I soon found out the beginning of the end had begun. Jerry begged and pleaded with me to carry on with the wedding. He had said he would be watching over me once he was gone but for now he needed to know that I would be taken care of and not alone. So the lies continued, I promised to marry Danny.

         Finally the warm weather had arrived. It was the middle of March and Spring had come early this year. By now I was staying with my grandmother. My mother was due in from Illinois and she had sent my wedding dress ahead to my grandmother's so it would arrive at the same time she did. Jerry was calling everyday to see how I was holding up but we hadn't seen each other in awhile. By this time I barely saw Danny as well. He was either working or at the church getting it ready for the wedding. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get into the planing of the wedding. I let Danny handle it all even though I was supposed to arrange for the flowers yet.

         One day Jerry had called and asked if I would go for a drive with him, that he wanted to talk because he missed me. I jumped at the idea of being alone with him. It had seemed that there was a distance between us now and I had missed him so much. He picked me up in front of my grandmother's in his old Chevy truck. It was a chilly and windy day, not hot enough for summer apparel, but not cold enough for heavy winter clothes either. The snow had already melted away and now began the rainy season, it wouldn't have surprised me if it had rained that day. I got into the truck and sat in the passenger side, next to the window. I was a little nervous and unsure of myself. I asked him where we were headed and he had said that he had no place in particular, that he just wanted to talk. So we headed to our favorite spot on a country road. We drove for awhile just having small talk and looking at all the sites along the way. It was only us in that moment in time. After an hour of driving around we ended up on the country road and Jerry pulled over, turning the truck off except the radio. We sat and listened to the music and talked some more. Then he started talking about how sick he had become and how it had affected everything and everyone, including us. Then he began to talk about his feelings towards me. He explained that he had never meant to fall in love with me, but that he had. He said he had been thinking long and hard about everything and decided that this would be the last time we would ever be alone together. It hurt so much and he wasn't sure he could control himself after I was married to Danny. He had said again that he loved me but he needed to know I would be safe and taken care of by someone he trusted, Danny. He continued on saying if things would have been different, if he could give me the life I deserved, he would of married me himself. The way it stood now though, I would only get a few moments of happiness in between his sickness and finally his death. I had been looking out the window at the trees blowing in the wind. I reached for the door handle, wanting to get away. Jerry put his hand on my shoulder. Tears were slowly slipping down my cheeks as I realized he had been speaking only the truth. He touched my shoulder again and I turned my head from him again so he couldn't see me cry. He pulled me close and as I put my head on his shoulder, my tears fell harder down my face. He took his firm hand and brought my head up to look at him and he gently kissed my lips. The soft tenderness of his kiss brought on such an urgency between us. He held me tighter and his kisses became deeper, as if he was trying to kiss me harder and longer so it would leave a lasting memory that he could hang onto in the rough times to come. Jerry began taking his kisses to a deeper level within him, a place only the two of us shared within our hearts.

         We made love for the first and only time that afternoon in his truck. There was an urgency in our feelings trying to grasp every moment possible, leaving nothing untouched or felt. Our emotions were running so high that the pain of knowing we could never be totally together was erased from our hearts and thoughts for these few short hours. When it was over I could see tears in his eyes as he softly told me he loved me and always would. It took awhile to digest our emotions and try to regain our strength I knew I'd need to get out of his truck and on with my life. The sun had begun to sink and the sky was getting dark by the time he dropped me off at my place. When I left him at the curb I knew my heart would never be the same. Jerry had touched such a deep part of my soul and no one could ever erase the memories that we had shared. Jerry had kept his word, that was the last time he and I were ever alone together.

         My mother arrived from Illinois with my brother, who was only five at the time. She was bringing the dress I was to wear on my wedding day. I had tried on several dresses including Jerry's sisters, but I just wasn't interested in wearing a wedding dress until I saw Jerry looking at me. When he smiled, my heart broke all over again. As day after day continued, I tried to forget about what everything was leading up to. There had been confrontations constantly with Danny and his family and most of the arguments were about the small church we were to be married in. Danny's family had gone there for years and most of the weddings had taken place in that same small church. Just days before the wedding my father-in-law to be showed up at my grandmother's drunker than I'd ever seen him. He was cursing and shouting at my mother, telling her to take me back to Illinois, that I was too lazy and spoiled to be married to his son. Of course, I was all for it. I still didn't want to get married. I felt my world was ending now, my future was filled with unhappiness already. But as always, everything had already been set in motion and was soon approaching. There was no way I could walk away now.

         April 15th came on a crisp Spring day. Early that morning Jerry had called. We talked for a good forty-five minutes, as he wished me much happiness. His final words before he hung up were that he'd always love me and he'd be watching over me when he died. Finally, two p.m. came. As I walked down the isle towards the alter where Danny stood, my eyes shifted to Jerry who was the best man. Jerry was barely smiling and his eyes were wet with tears. At that moment I wanted to turn around and run away, but I didn't.

         For the next five months Jerry came around everyday, but it was only when Danny was home or he'd show up with his mother. I could still sense him watching me and he always lent a hand when something needed to be done. Then the calls and visits became shorter. He'd call just to ask how everything was and that would be the end of the conversation. You could hear in his voice that he was sick. His voice cracked and was at times shallow. He was going to the hospital three times a week now for dialysis treatments, which in the end didn't help.

         September came and I was turning eighteen. I got the phone call that I never wanted to hear. Jerry had been taken to the hospital again, only this time it would be the last. His skin had turned yellow, a sign of jaundice. He lost so much weight that when he was moved in any way, you could hear his bones break like a twig under your foot. He was too weak to fight any more, he had lost his will to live. He was deteriorating and all the doctors could do was ease his pain. There were times when he was alert though and those moments gave me a false hope.

         Danny had gotten a phone call that Jerry was asking for him. By this time Jerry was in ICU and only immediate family were allowed to see him unless he requested someone. Things had gotten as bad as they possibly could have that morning for Jerry and he knew his time was very near. What I recall now about that day was Jerry had a conversation with Danny that had been about me, but I will never know exactly what was said. Jerry made Danny promise to never discuss what was said. What ever was said must have really hit Danny hard though because when he came home that night he was a different man. Danny and I never talked about that day ever again.

         The following Tuesday, Danny made a trip to the hospital to be with Jerry. Jerry had just turned nineteen a week or so before and Danny had a present he wanted to give to him. It was a clear blue summer day with no clouds in site and no breeze blowing in the wind. Danny had stayed with Jerry all afternoon but I had stayed home. I was looking outside when I felt someone standing close behind me. Then I heard, what I know to believe was Danny's voice speaking so loud that I had to turn to see if he was actually in the room with me, but he wasn't and I knew that he couldn't have been. He had whispered to me then that he loved me and said good-bye. I don't know what made me turn to look at the clock but when I did it was two p.m. Somewhere in the creases of my mind I knew Jerry was gone from me forever.

         It wasn't until eight that night when Danny came home and confirmed what I had already knew. For the next few days I couldn't think, eat or feel. The hardest part was yet to come. We buried Jerry on the 23rd of October, 1972 at 10 a.m. on a warm Fall day. Eight months after he had entered my life, I lost him and that was something I just couldn't fathom. As the family and friends all gathered at the little church in Springfork, my mind started recalling the very memories of that day six months earlier. Danny and I sat on the right side of the church in the second pew. His mother and siblings were placed in the first row directly in front of us. Jerry's casket sat next to the wall right in front of us. All I could see was the outline of his body lying in the beautiful Mahogany casket lined with light blue silk. He had on his white jacket, white shirt, black tie and black pants. In his lapel were the two small silk, red roses that he wore to our wedding only a few short months ago. In his hand was the same red rose I had given him out of my wedding bouquet. All I could do was cry. I kept asking him to stop playing these games. I told him it wasn't fair, that I needed him to get up out of the casket and take me away from the church. My mind was reeling with fear, anger, confusion and finally grief and sheer pain. Once my eyes started to burn, I wiped them with a white handkerchief Danny had handed me. I realized then that Danny had been watching me the whole time. It seemed the funeral lasted hours but in reality it was about forty-five minutes long. As everyone stood to follow his casket out of the church, I started to feel dizzy and Danny caught me before I went down. Jerry's mother asked if we'd like to ride with her, seeing as we were all so close. Together we all rode in the car, following Jerry to the cemetery where he would be laid to rest.

         The Able Cemetery was the Bonham family plot out in the country. Jerry was to be buried next to his sister Carolyn, who had died two years before of the very thing that took Jerry. There was a bushel of Chrysanthemums at the foot of their head stones already in place when we got to the cemetery. The heart shaped head stones had been put in place long before their deaths and Jerry's only had his birth date written on his. His death date would be added with in a few days. We all arrived at the sight where the chairs were set up by the casket, five seats in front and five in back. Danny and I had sat in the back. After a few moments of silence, the priest officiated and began talking about Jerry and the kind of person he had been and how tragic it was that he was so young yet. When it was all over the priest walked to the family, giving condolences. At the end of the service, as the family and friends began to leave, I went over to the grave sight and threw a single red rose in on top of his casket. there had went the final piece of my heart as I knew my heart would never know or feel the love or friendship that Jerry and I had shared ever again. As I walked away, hearing the casket finally come to rest at the bottom of the whole, I whispered to him "I love you." I knew my life was forever changed in that moment, but I swore to Jerry I would be back some day.

         Two weeks after we had buried Jerry, I left Danny and went back home to Illinois. I hadn't the strength or the will to eat, sleep or think any more. My world had changed dramatically and I didn't know how to handle the grief and the loss of losing Jerry. I could no longer think for myself, I was lost and I knew it. I went home to my parent's and for six months I mourned the loss of Jerry and knew I needed to find myself again. It was a long hard road to travel, but after six months something happened that can only be explained by miracles and belief in salvation and after life. I had been living by myself since I left Danny and one night as I slept, I was woken up by someone softly calling my name. As I opened my eyes, standing at the foot of my bed was a shadow of a tall slender young man. The voice sounded so familiar and it dawned on me that it was indeed Jerry. All I remember him telling me was, "it was time to go home now, everything would be alright." Then he disappeared. After that I felt healed inside and my heart didn't hurt as much as it had been the last half year. I knew I would always love Jerry and I would always miss him, but it was time to let go and move on with my life.

          Within a month I was back home with Danny and trying to salvage my marriage. I was five months shy of my twentieth birthday when I gave birth to a 5lb 6oz baby boy. He was born May 8th, 1974, Mother's Day. God had taken so much from my heart in the past and now here was this little baby that added twice as much happiness then pain. The next thirteen years I tried to keep the promises I'd made to Jerry and my baby boy. I had visited Jerry's grave every Spring and Summer and a few times during the Winter as well. I'd always take with me a red rose and leave it on his grave when I left. When I'd visit him, I would talk to him and tell him about everything that had happened over the time since my last visit. One day I went to visit him and I had planned to tell him that I couldn't take any more of the abuse Danny had put me through and that I was moving back to Illinois. I promised him that I'd always love him and I'd never forget everything he'd ever done for me.

         My divorce became final April 1st, 1985. I had then married again, but this time my marriage only lasted seventeen months. He was abusive just as Danny had been and I wasn't going to go through all that again. I felt I deserved better. So I left. I drove out of town, heading toward the highway that would take me to Jerry once more. I pulled into the old cemetery, grabbed the single red rose I had purchased along the way, and took off towards Jerry's grave. I sat down in front of his head stone, placed the rose on top off his grave and leaned forward to kiss his head stone. I sat there and told Jerry how sorry I was for letting him down. I explained that I had gave all I could give to fulfill his wishes, but it had never been enough. I told him again how much I loved him and missed him and explained to him that I was once again heading to Illinois to start a fresh new life.

         For several years I had been back to visit Jerry's grave, each time leaving a single red rose as always. In 1990 I had married again. Through this marriage I had another son, who will be twenty this year. He was the only positive thing that came out of the marriage that lasted nineteen years. I stayed with this third husband because I had given up on ever finding a love like I had, had with Jerry. I settled for what my third husband gave me, until I couldn't take any more abuse and I had told myself none of it was my fault and that I didn't deserve it all and I finally left.

         It's been over six years since I walked away from my last marriage and the divorce is just now going through, it should be final within a few months.

         It's been thirty-seven years come October since I lost Jerry and yet I still feel exactly the same about him today that I did all those years ago. He was a young man who gave me so many memories to last a life time. I still talk to him and still look to the sky in the day and at the stars at night and whisper to him that I love him and always will.

         They say love is never ending and for me it never will. To this day I have yet to find or experience what Jerry and I had shared. I know even now he still watches over me and he is keeping me safe. He also knows he will always have my heart.

Until the day we met again, I love you, Jerry!