YELLOW

She came to a halt right outside her apartment door, moved a couple of paces sideways to the window, and pressed her forehead against the cold, cold glass. There was something disturbingly poetic about the motion she thought, something about giving expression to the immobility she felt in her soul. The same immobility that reeked out in her drive back home, her trudge to the lift, her trudge out of the dysfunctional lift, and finally the stairs. The stairs were soothing though; they gave one something mechanical to do—one step at a time, like a drug.

The glass felt nice. She didn’t close her eyes; being alone with oneself seemed the scariest thing in the world to her. ‘Better to know that the street light existed too; the streetlight and the sidewalk and the people who walked on the sidewalk. Do blind girls get pregnant?’ she thought ‘How do they not lose their mind…to be alone in the dark…all the more aware of one’s body…of the thing that grows in there. But then of course a child is different, it must be…not that she would know…but…STOP. Stop it. Your mind is wandering Shalini’.

Shalini shut her eyes for a fleeting second. When she opened them again there were no pregnant blind girls on the pavement, just the streetlight shedding the same shade of yellow on the passerby’s as the bulb that hung on the corridor drenched her in. She glanced at the sky expecting to see something graceful, something white drift down from the sky. Funny what yellow light does to you—enclose you in a bubble and transport you to a parallel world; at least it did that to her, in this moment.

Forehead still slumped; she looked sideways and regretted it the very next second. The boy who lived next door stood at the end of the hallway looking at her. How awkward the exchange of looks felt! He would have walked away pretending it never happened had she not sealed the self-conscious second by something that seemed like a half-smile hanging about her lips. He had no choice but to smile back, though embarrassed he was at having caught her in such an embarrassing position.

“Anything wrong?” he asked. It was his turn to be civil now. Shalini smiled—a real smile this time. ‘Just the travails of an adult life’ she rehearsed the words in her head before giving them utterance.

“I wish it would snow or I wish I were someplace it snowed”. Those words! Where did they come from! That’s not what she meant to say.

The boy relaxed. “It’s Delhi. ‘no heat waves’ is good enough for me. But hey! Maybe if you’re lucky you’d get a thin layer of frost on the top of your car tomorrow morning. Then like all other Delhiites you can pretend like you’re in the middle of snowfall in New York”

“My friend used to say snow has such healing effect. Everything seems to become fine when it snows”. She knew there was a smile on her face while she said this. A soft, poignant smile.

“Your friend sounds quite philosophical.”

Shalini chuckled. The light played with her features. Her lips appeared redder than they were. “Not really. I think she said it in context of a T.V. show. She was a realist; an epicurist rather.”

He gave a low, quiet laugh. There was interest in his eyes. It was the reference to epicurism. He knew no one else in the building would understand it. The fact that she knew he would…

“Was it the friend you used to come home from school with? You know the one with the high ponytail and chink eyes. I always thought she kind of looked the type”

“Anita. Yes. She was frivolous, and rude. I loved her”.

He smiled that lovely smile of his. “You always do. Love such people I mean. They’re fun to hang out with.”

Shalini stepped forward and sat on the topmost stair. He stood at the base, leaning against the balustrade. “Funny” she said “I never realized you noticed me back then, or my friend.”

“I knew you; plus my friend thought your friend was cute. You must have known him. He sent her flowers once. Through his cousin I think.”

“Oh! You mean the fat one with the razor cut hairstyle? Didn’t know he was your friend. We used to make fun of him.”

“Yeah! He knew. Still loved her though.”

“Loved?”

“Sorry. Thought he loved. I know love is a highly misused word.”

“No. I believe love is a relative term. Love comes cheap for some people.”

“And for others it’s so lofty that it never comes”.

Silence. How do you follow up a statement like that anyway? The boy still had a smile on his face. A reflective smile… He looked at her face. Her guard was down. It’s easy to tell when a person is pretending to be someone else. People pretend all the time in society. They either don’t trust you with their real self or they don’t trust their real selves. But she…the innocent little figure on the stair head with her grey eyes and sad smile; she trusted him completely. Poor misjudging soul!

He was looking at the window. She was looking at him. And then she remembered…The pain came rushing back. Why her? It could have been anyone. Why did she have to be the one to venture into this deep, dark abyss? Oh the urge to tell someone, anyone! It wasn’t such a big deal, why shouldn’t she? Besides it felt natural. Just like the conversation so far; just like the present silence. He’d understand. They were two souls trapped in a bubble of yellow light. Way beyond social protocol.

“The doctors say I,ve got a heart condition, an abnormal growth of the valves. If I don’t get a surgery it might be very dangerous. They say it’s not a big deal and if I get the surgery in time there’ll be no harm at all but I’ll have to take so many rounds of the hospital and I hate that. I don’t like that place.”

Shock. He wasn’t expecting this. Instinct told him to look away, but then he looked right into her eyes trying to figure out the truth. Was she serious? Looking at her he knew she was.

“Oh my god! I am so sorry. I…I don’t know what to say.”

“No seriously. Don’t look like that. I told you it’s not like my life is on the line or anything. I only get nervous when people react like you just did.”

“Oh!”

“I’d be fine. I just hate the thought of having to go to the hospital so many times.” She said it bravely with a smile but her voice betrayed the truth. It carried a plea …a plea for assurance. He understood it.

“Of course you’ll be fine. This is no big deal.”

“No it isn’t. That’s what I keep telling myself.”

“I mean people die. They die all the time. In accidents, terrorist attacks. Get shot at like dogs. One second and then they never breathe again, ever. Get wiped off the surface of the earth, forever. This…this is wonderful.”

“You’re right. To get to live at the end of the day it is …it is wonderful.” She said it like she meant it. She said it with a spark in her eyes. “God! You must think I’m totally nuts.”

“No. Not at all. Best of luck.”

Shalini stood up. To live, what a wonderful gift that is. As she walked back to her apartment door she turned around and smiled—not a sad smile but a bright one, an enchanting smile that spread to her eyes. “I don’t have a car but I hope I wake up to find a layer of frost on top of all the other cars tomorrow morning.” She said it like a ballerina who knows all eyes are on her.

Shalini walked up to the mirror in her bedroom and stood facing it. She turned this way and that, checking out her profile from every angle; how she looked smiling, how she looked sullen. Of a sudden she whispered “Ohh! Why did you say it? He must be thinking you’re such a moron Shalini.” The very portrait of feminine embarrassment she looked with her face buried in her hands. Who’d deny though that there was fire in her cheeks and stars in her eyes?

The boy stood in the hallway for about a minute more thinking about the nymph who’d just disappeared.

‘Wow that was totally unreal. Oh well something to tell Sanjay about. He always has something interesting to say where girls are concerned.’ He thought of how he could frame the words to make them sound funnier. ‘Dude. You wouldn’t believe it. The girl who lives next door she is such a nutter. You wouldn’t believe what she told me.’ Well what harm was a little guy talk anyway? She’d never come to know. Would have been different if she were dying but she’s totally fine.

Sanjay would think it’s a howler. ‘Never know what kind of people you’ll come across’ he’d say to him ‘but man she had the prettiest smile’. The smile he knew was haunting him.

He entered his apartment. Sanjay was lying on the couch; beer can in hand watching the Liverpool vs. Chelsea match. “Two girls in the audience wearing bikinis, totally hot man, you missed them by a second” was how he greeted back his friend. Funny, thought Aakash, how he makes everything sound so cheap. Funny also how he couldn’t remember anything but Shalini’s smile.

“Where’ve you been to bro? Took so long I thought you had a heart attack on the way. What happened?”

“Nothing. The corner store was closed so I had to go round the block.”

“Oh yeah! Were there any pretty girls round the block?”

“No, no girls at all. Tell me the score.”

The corridor was empty. A mouse skittered near the window after a crumb of bread. The bulb made it appear yellow…